160 Things I'm Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts
by Cliodhna
Summary: 160 tales of rules Fred and George broke during their time at Hogwarts. Ten new tales including 'I will not refer to Hagrid as the BFG, even if I think he secretly likes it,' and 'I will not pay Peeves to rewrite the school song.' R&R!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: All characters belong to J K Rowling, and I got the list (which I will post at the end) and the idea from a website.

A/N: Fred and George and their various misdemeanours throughout their years at Hogwarts.

Everything they do here has come from a list called 150 Things I'm Not Allowed to Do at Hogwarts. I picked my favourites, and the ones I thought more appropriate...

Additional A/N: If anyone wants to publish this story in another language or wants to do anything with it, then that's totally fine - but could you please let me know first!

Another additional A/N: This list was not written by me! It was written by Atalanta_Pendragonne, a writer! I am not in any way claiming it as my own! I just write about it! Thanks to Roos for letting me know who wrote the list.

* * *

_Number 8 – I will not use Umbridge's quill to write 'I told you I was hardcore.'_

'It bloody hurts!' Fred whimpered, showing his blood covered hand to his twin.

'Looks wicked though!' George enthused. 'It'll be worth it when it heals!

'Why didn't you do it too then?' Fred grumbled. George rolled his eyes.

'Trust me, you'll be showing it off in no time.'

Fred's head whipped up as he saw Harry, Ron and Hermione enter the common room.

'Ron! C'mere and check this out!' he cried, extending his arm.

Ron waved his arm away. 'Before you tell me anything, I've to tell you that Umbridge is looking for you. Something about her quill?'

George burst into peals of laughter as Fred's face fell. 'Dammit,' he muttered, as he trudged out of the common room.

* * *

_Number 11 – If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm._

Fred was bored. He and George were in History of Magic, and Professor Binns was lecturing about Goblin wars. _Again. _Slowly, Fred felt himself drift into unconsciousness, and his head slipped from between his hands and slumped quietly on his desk, unnoticed by anyone but George.

George looked at his twin, draped over the desk to his right, with his arms hanging down. Suddenly he was struck with a brilliant idea. Dipping his quill in ink, he lifted Fred's heavy arm onto his desk and quickly sketched a drawing onto his left arm.

When the bell rang, Fred jumped awake, and began to pack away his things. He was headed out of the classroom when, for the first time ever, Professor Binns stopped him.

'Fred Weasley, report to Professor McGonagall immediately. I cannot believe even_ you_ would joke about such things,' he ordered, before drifting out of the classroom.

'What the -' Fred stopped, noticing his arm. 'Very bloody funny, George,' he said to his twin, who was shaking with laughter just behind him. 'I'm telling McGonagall it was you, by the way…'

* * *

_Number 59 - I am not the Defence against the Boring Classes Professor._

'You all know why we're gathered here today,' Fred greeted the small crowd in front of him.

'But in case you don't,' George continued, 'we're here to find the weary battle against boring classes.'

The group of students surrounding the popular twins were quiet. Harry, Ron and Hermione were in the front row; Hermione had her arms crossed.

'Our first task is to – oh bugger it,' Fred muttered, staring at the door of the classroom they were gathered in.

'Your first task is to make sure no-one tells me about these hilarious meetings of yours,' Professor McGonagall said from the doorway. The group craned their necks to look round at McGonagall, and back at the twins who were looking sheepish.

'My office, now,' she said to the brothers. 'Defence against boring classes, I ask you…' she muttered, as she swept out of the classroom, Fred and George following.

George ducked back and said in a carrying whisper; 'If that was_ you_, Hermione…' he gave her a menacing look before running to catch up with the Professor.

Ron and Harry looked at her, eyebrows raised comically.

'It wasn't!' she insisted, not meeting their eyes.

* * *

_Number 75 – I will not put books of Muggle fairytales in the History section of the library._

'Here it comes, here it comes!' George whispered excitedly to Fred; they were hiding in the stacks of the library.

'Shh…' Fred whispered absentmindedly.

They were staring at a pureblood first year girl. They'd done their research; they knew she'd never been exposed to any knowledge of muggles. They were waiting for her to finish reading a book that they'd planted on the shelves where they knew she'd go for a History of Magic project.

She turned the final page, frowned a little, and closed the book.

'It's now or never…' Fred chanted.

The girl stood up, grabbed the book, and tiptoed over to Madam Pince, who was stacking bookshelves.

'Madam Pince, I have a question about this book.'

'Jackpot!' George beamed.

'It's doesn't actually mention what spell the wicked witch uses to poison the apple, and seeing as that's how Snow White died, I think I should know. I promise I won't use it,' she explained.

Madam Pince's face was black for a moment, before she registered the muffled giggling coming from two rows away. A knowing look on her face, she grabbed the book, only glancing at the title 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarves,' before bewitching it to chase Fred and George, still laughing, out of the library and back to their common room.

* * *

Number 76 - _There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth house at Hogwarts.  
And I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder._

'And why has Professor McGonagall sent you both to me?' Dumbledore inquired of the Weasley twins, smiling politely.

'Um…well, we sort of…formed our own Hogwarts House, Sir,' Fred answered, looking guiltily at his brother.

'I see,' Dumbledore paused. 'Then what happened?'

'Well, we were trying to install our own hourglass in with the others…only McGonagall – I mean; Professor McGonagall caught us filling it up with…' George trailed off.

'Yes?' Dumbledore raised his white eyebrows.

'With baubles with pictures of our faces on them. It was the Weasley House, you see,' Fred finished, gulping, while George smiled weakly at the Headmaster.

'Ahh…' Dumbledore sighed, trying to hide his smile, and failing.

The twins heard his quiet chuckle and their faces brightened.

'How had you planned to recruit students?' Dumbledore asked, still smiling slightly.

'Well, we were going to ask the Sorting Hat to seek out students who were the most like us!' Fred said, more eagerly now.

'Yeah, then we were going to help it rewrite its new song to include Weasley House qualities,' George added. 'It would have been hilarious.'

'I'm not sure everybody would have seen it that way. Perhaps it's just as well Minerva caught you when she did,' he said, standing up. The twins' faces cracked into identical grins.

Dumbledore chuckled again, before excusing the two from his office, punishment free.

* * *

_Number 79 – I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I foresaw her death._

'You should be able to discern shaped in the crystal ball now, if you have been meditating properly…' Professor Trelawney said in her dreamy voice. 'Use your books, children, and hone your inner eye…'

George kicked Fred under the table they were sharing. Fred looked up from his crystal ball.

'What?' he whispered.

'Follow my lead!' George replied, grinning.

George stuck his hand in the air while assuming a worried expression. Fred immediately copied him.

'Yes, Fred, dear?' Trelawney floated over to them.

'It's George, Professor,' George said automatically. 'But that's not important. I think I'm seeing something…something awful…' he let his voice trail off delicately, watching his teacher's face assume the same expression he wore.

'What do you see?' she asked in a hushed tone; only he and Fred could hear.

'I see you, professor…I see you with a Grim…'

Fred gasped loudly; the class swivelled round to face them.

'The Grim, Professor! That means...' Fred's face was a picture of horror.

Trelawney's face turned purple, she grabbed George's crystal sphere and peered into it herself.

'No, not the grim, anything but the grim -' she broke off her frantic murmuring when she heard the hysterical laughter around her. Fred was lying on the ground, his hands clasped around his throat, his mouth a comical 'o' shape. George was shaking with laughter.

'Sorry Professor, I must have mistaken you for Fred!'

Trelawney's face was like thunder as she sent them both, still laughing, to McGonagall.

* * *

_Number 80 – I will not use Slytherin first years as Christmas decorations._

'This isn't going to be enough, George,' Fred commented, surveying their handiwork. 'We still need two more.'

'I'll go get them. You finish with this one,' George said, gesturing carelessly at the mess in front of them.

'Okay dokey,' Fred said, grabbing their last Slytherin first year, immobilised with the Pretrificus Totalus curse, and painted gold. He forced a tutu round her waist, and a crown on her head, and levitated her to the top of the tenth Christmas tree in the Great Hall.

'Perfect!' he said happily. He looked up at the girl, who managed to look hateful, even with her features frozen. 'Oh, don't worry,' he sighed. 'We'll let you down before the feast tonight.'

He turned as George walked back into the Hall, carrying two more immobilised Slytherin first years under his arms.

'Excellent. Let's get these two kitted out then!' Fred said, reaching for his wand, preparing to turn them both into Christmas tree Angels.

'We have a problem, Fred,' George admitted, setting the first years down. He stepped aside, and Professor McGonagall strode in, her expression murderous.

'You two, my office. Now.' She swept out to lead the way.

Fred and George looked up at the Slytherins, perched on their trees. They shrugged, and, turning their backs on them, followed McGonagall into the Entrance Hall.

* * *

_Number 88 – I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my professors._

Fred and George sat alone in Professor McGonagall's office, waiting impatiently for the Transfiguration teacher to arrive.

'That was brilliant, right?' Fred muttered to George, growing tired of the silence.

'It was wicked,' George agreed. 'Not sure McGonagall will see it that way though…'

'Oh I don't know. She might,' Fred shrugged hopefully.

The door was thrown open before George had a chance to reply.

'You used a silencing charm on Professor Umbridge.' McGonagall stated, her eyes wild.

'Um…yes,' Fred cringed, his hopes of no retribution dashed.

'And you _somehow_ managed to cast it so that it _cannot be removed,_' she seethed.

'Uh huh…' George replied, not meeting his Professor's eyes.

Sighing, McGonagall threw herself into the chair behind her desk. 'I don't know how you two can do it,' she muttered. 'You've probably caused us another few Educational Decrees.' She sat up straighter. 'I'm going to have to give you a punishment for this,' she said evenly.

The twins braced themselves.

'But I'd like you to know,' McGonagall spoke in a much gentler voice, 'how grateful I am.'

The twins stared at her.

'For the minute anyway. We will have to get her voice back sometime. But until then, I don't have to hear a single unnecessary cough…' she trailed off.

The twins were utterly incredulous.

'You're still getting lines though,' she added; and their shoulders slumped.

* * *

_Number 96 – I will not follow Potions instructions in reverse order just to see what happens._

A huge amount of steam shot out of the cauldron, fogging the entire classroom. George couldn't even see his twin, next to him, never mind Snape, who was clawing his way toward him, a venomous look on his face. Suddenly, the steam disappeared; Fred had Vanished it, eagerly anticipating the Potion Master's reaction to their latest experiment. George looked into his cauldron. Green sparks were dancing across the surface, and it looked like parts of the potion were trying to crawl up the side of the cauldron and out onto the floor.

Snape, having regained his sense of direction swooped down on the twins.

'Having trouble with the lesson, Weasley?' he asked, his hooked nose inches from George's.

'Um…'

'Did it ever cross your mind, as you did the potion _backwards,_ that your foolish experiment may have killed you?' he snarled, turning to Fred. 'Did you not think about the effects that an Elixir to Induce Euphoria might have if ingested when created in reverse?'

'Well…' George began.

'We were just having a laugh,' Fred said, knowing the outcome would be the same whatever they said.

Snape narrowed his eyes. 'Fifty points from Gryffindor. And a month of detention.'

He swept to his desk to record their 'experiment.' 'And if you _ever_ do this again, I _will_ have you expelled.'

The twins shrugged in unison, unnoticed by Snape.

'That was excellent!' Fred whispered to George.

'Yeah, we should do that again!' George replied, beaming.

* * *

_And finally, Number 126 – I am not allowed to declare an official 'Hug a Slytherin Day.'_

'Here goes, brother,' Fred muttered to his twin, as he straightened up, and strode toward a skinny fourth year Slytherin boy, and warmly embraced him. The boy was too shocked to react, and Fred had scampered back to George by the time he had realised what had happened.

The two ducked out of sight before the Slytherin could do them any damage.

'Soft option. You went for a fourth year! A skinny one! Ron could have taken him!' George reprimanded him.

'Fine then, you go do it!' Fred insisted, pointing his brother toward a tall seventh year witch in Slytherin robes walking toward them.

'Blimey,' George muttered. 'She's terrifying.'

'We're not doing this because it's easy, George,' Fred reminded him. 'We're doing it because it's _funny_.'

Nodding, George headed toward the girl, hugged her briefly, and quickly cast a shield around himself to deflect the spell she cast at him in retaliation.

'Nice one,' Fred whispered. 'She was definitely part troll.'

'Where are Ron and Harry? They're supposed to be doing this too!' George complained.

'Um, George…' Fred nudged him in the ribs and pointed to the staircase in front of them.

George burst into laughter; Harry and Ron were dashing down the stairs, chased by an angry mob of Slytherins whom they'd tried to hug.

As he watched them streak past, George calmed his laughter to a chuckle.

'Crikey…can't say they didn't try, though…'

Fred nodded, grinning. 'Let's go watch the fight, shall we?'

George chuckled and followed his brother to the Entrance Hall, where they could watch the ensuing confrontation with front row seats.

* * *

A/N: Just a silly little idea there, I hope you enjoyed it. This was my first Harry Potter fiction! Please review!!


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: See chapter one.

A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews! I thought seeing as this seemed to be pretty popular, that I'd add another ten rules for Fred and George to break. If anyone has any favourites, let me know and I'll try to include them next time!

* * *

_Number 37 – There is no such thing as an invisibility thong._

'This is genius, George. I'm adding that to the list,' Fred said, dipping his quill in ink and scribbling down George's latest idea for products to sell.

'What's genius?' Ron said, plonking himself in an armchair next to the fireplace in the common room, where the twins were huddled.

'Just a little stretch downwards from out invisibility hats…we have a prototype somewhere, if you want to see…' Fred grinned at his brother.

'What, that invisibility thong?' Hermione asked, sitting down in the chair next to Ron. 'A couple of first years found it and gave it to McGonagall.'

'What?' George exclaimed. 'That was sure to be a big hit, too!'

'At least she doesn't know it was us…' Fred consoled himself.

'Actually, she seemed to have deduced it was you,' Hermione stated, reaching for a book.

'Fred, George?' Harry called as he climbed through the portrait hole. 'Dumbledore wants to see you. Something about giving McGonagall 'invisibility undergarments' as a Christmas present?'

The twins froze, and turned to Ron.

'You didn't,' Fred hissed.

Ron couldn't contain his laughter. 'First years are just _too _easy to bribe!'

* * *

_Number 50 – I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter._

'Fred? George?' Harry stepped into their dormitory. 'Does this have anything to do with you?' He held a thick envelope. 'Filch told me some muggle mail had arrived for me…it seems like someone's tried to take a muggle life insurance policy out on my name.' He frowned at the twins, who were frozen on their beds. 'They've refused my cover, saying that 'throwing myself in front of evil overlords' is just too much risk for them.'

'Uh...yeah…well, in our defence, we did send that application a while ago. We'd completely forgotten…' George muttered.

Harry chuckled. 'I don't mind…but Filch would like to see you. Something about 'wasting undercover wizard postmen's time for foolish practical jokes.' Or something to that effect.'

The twins stood up grudgingly. 'You know, if that hadn't fallen through, and you had died, we would have won over a quarter of a million muggle pounds…'

Harry grinned. 'Sorry to disappoint, but I'm just not that easy to nuke. Even by 'Evil Overlords.''

* * *

_Number 61 - It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the result would be._

Hagrid frowned down at the twins, who were sitting awkwardly in his small cabin.

'Yeh tried to interbreed Crookshanks with the Chinese Fireball that Krum had ter fight?'

The twins nodded.

'By lockin' them in an enchanted paddock for an hour?'

They nodded again.

'And giving them both love potions?' Hagrid insisted.

'Yep,' George gulped.

And yeh thought this'd be a good idea?' Hagrid pressed.

'Uhh…yeah,' Fred shrugged hopefully.

'Ahh…boys after me own heart,' Hagrid beamed. 'But I'm not explainin' to Hermione why her cat can't walk anymore…'

* * *

_Number 65_ - _A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I become._

Fred and George were sitting in their last period Divination class, the Friday before their Easter holidays. Their lesson was finished; the class was waiting for Trelawney to test them all.

Fred was itching for fun.

An idea struck him, and he leaned across the table to where his wand lay with George's, and quickly grabbed his wand. Muttering a spell under his breath, he conjured a miniature muggle snooker table, and kicking George under the table, challenged him to a tournament, using their wands as their cues.

Professor Trelawney looked up as she heard the quiet cheers coming from the Weasley's corner. Sighing deeply, she stormed over to them, dropping her airy demeanour.

'You two! This is the _third time_ this _period_! Do not use your wands for anything but _casting spells_!'

* * *

_Number 83 – I am not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here._

'Fred, George, could you come with me please?'

The twins looked up from their breakfast at the sound of their Head of House's voice.

'What did we do?' Fred asked, confused.

'Nothing. Just come with me please,' McGonagall smiled thinly at the twins, and lead them to Gryffindor Tower. 'Wattlebird,' she said to the Portrait of the Fat Lady, who swung open to admit them.

The twins followed her up the stairs to their dormitory, and their confused frowns deepened when she walked inside.

She waiting until both brothers were inside the room before backing quickly out, and magically locking the door.

'What was that for?' George exclaimed.

'We have visitors from the Ministry arriving today,' McGonagall's muffled voice came through the door. 'We had a staff meeting and decided this was the best course of action.'

'What?' Fred wailed. 'You could have just _asked_ us to be good!'

'I'll come and get you tonight, when the officials leave. Have a nice day!' They heard her footsteps fade away, and they both sat moodily on their beds.

'At least it's a lesson free day,' commented Fred.

'Shut up, Fred,' George snapped.

* * *

Number 95 – _I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort._

'Oi, Malfoy!' Fred Weasley called down the busy charms corridor.

Malfoy turned, a bored look on his pale face. 'What, Weasley?'

George joined them, grinning. 'Give this to your Dad, would you?' George handed him a letter inscripted 'Lord V.' 'Tell him to pass it on to the Head Cheese.' The twins gave him the thumbs up and walked away, high-fiving each other.

Malfoy frowned, and ripped open the envelope, tearing the letter out and unfolding it.

'_Dear Lord Voldemort. _

_We are two concerned citizens worried about the fate of our lives. _

_We're going to ask you to stop. Just stop being such a control freak, and get on with your life. _

_We'll leave you alone if you leave us alone._

_Lots of Love,_

_Two concerned citizens._

_P.S. Our names are Lucius and Draco Malfoy._

Malfoy grimaced and was about to rip the letter up, when an idea struck him.

'Professor Snape?' he called after the professor who's just walked past. 'Fred and George Weasley gave me this…'

* * *

_Number 100 – I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing._

Fred and George were hiding behind a tapestry on the second floor, waiting for something.

They were quickly joined by Harry and Ron.

'How did you know we were -' Fred began, before Harry cut him off.

'Marauder's Map,' he said, pointing at the parchment. 'You hiding from Filch?'

'And McGonagall,' the twins said together.

'They're pretty scary,' Ron grinned. 'But it was worth it.'

'Where's Hermione?' George asked.

'Her dormitory. She got covered in blue paint during the first attack.'

'First attack? He's still going?' George asked.

'Yep. The Great Hall looks as if it's exploded,' Harry grinned. 'You should see Malfoy. _Covered_ in yellow.'

Suddenly, the tapestry was swept back again. The four were faced with the Headmaster.

'Fred, George, I believe Professor McGonagall is looking for you,' he said, his eyes twinkling.

'Aw no…' Fred muttered, stepping out of the safe zone, followed by his twin. They shrugged in unison, and followed Dumbledore back to the Great Hall, were Peeves was waiting for them, armed and ready.

* * *

_Number 113 - My name is not "The Dark Lord Happy-Pants" and I am not allowed to sign my papers as such._

Professor Sprout handed the twins back their essays about Venomous Tentacula.

'There were a few minor problems with your essays, boys.' She raised her eyebrows. 'Firstly, you both signed them with the same name.'

The twins shared a glance.

'Secondly, you both signed it with the name '_The Dark Lord Happy-Pants_.''

'Yeah…' George smiled weakly. 'We did.'

'Can I enquire as to_ why_?' Sprout asked, her face incredulous.

'Um…a dare?' Fred suggested.

Sprout sighed. 'Please don't do that again.'

The twins brightened. 'Sure, Professor,' George grinned.

'And tell me whose is whose,' she demanded.

'This one's mine,' Fred said, grabbing one of the sheets, 'and that one's George's.'

'Good. They're both completely wrong. They have to be rewritten immediately.'

The twins' faces fell, and Professor Sprout smiled.

* * *

_Number 123 – I will not dress up at Voldemort for Halloween._

'Can we come in yet?' Harry and Ron called from behind the twins' dormitory door.

'Yep, come on in.' The twins turned to face Harry and Ron.

It was the night of the Halloween feast at Hogwarts, and everyone was dressing up this year. Harry was a Pirate, and had drawn on several more scars on his face to match the one on his forehead. Ron was a muggle surgeon, and had on green scrubs and a stethoscope.

'What the _hell_ are you wearing?' Ron hissed at the twins.

'We're You Know Who!' They answered in unison. They were wearing black cloaks, and had transfigured their faces to change their eye colour to scarlet, and their skin tone to bright white.

'Mum's gonna freak when she gets the letter home…' Ron said, sighing, as he lead the way to the Great Hall with the twins following behind. Harry brought up the rear, still laughing.

'Voldemort…oh I can't wait to see McGonagall's face…'

* * *

_And finally, number 150 -_ _Getting everyone in the Great Hall to do the Time Warp will not earn me any house points ._

Fred and George had prepared a long time for this moment. They had watched a muggle film, on a muggle computer, at a muggle library. They had perfected the dance routine. They had taught it to as many people as they could in the room of requirement. They had even taught the house-elves.

And now the moment had arrived. It was the Hogwarts Christmas dinner, and everyone knew what was coming.

'_GO_!' they yelled, and watched in awe as at least half the student body rose from their seats and started dancing the Time Warp, perfectly in time, without music. They beamed as the house-elves streamed in from the kitchens to dance alone with the students. They laughed out loud as they saw Harry, Ron, and, grudgingly, Hermione, dancing along with everyone else.

They didn't stop laughing even when Professor McGonagall appeared next to them.

They laughed even more when they saw that Hagrid had joined the pupils, and was dancing along with them. They laughed as they entered McGonagall's office, and they were still laughing as she began to write a letter at her desk. They stopped laughing abruptly when they realised that she was writing to their mother.

* * *

A/N: I hope you enjoy! Please leave a review!


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: See chapter one.

A/N: Due to ongoing popularity (!) I'm posting another chapter of Fred and George's rule breaking antics. I hope you enjoy, and as always, please leave a review.

* * *

_Number 7 - The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball._

'So I'm taking Angelina,' Fred stated, a frown on his freckly face. 'And you're taking the Giant Squid.'

George grinned. 'Naturally.'

'I think you'll find that's pretty unnatural,' Ron commented from his armchair next to the fireplace.

'How on earth are you going to take the giant squid to the Yule Ball?' Hermione quizzed George.

'Who're you taking, Hermione?' Ron pressed.

Ignoring his brother, George beamed at Hermione. 'A very large tank. And a sturdy summoning spell. Care to help me out with that?'

'No,' Hermione rolled her eyes and continued knitting elf hats.

'So where's this tank right now?' Harry asked.

'In the kitchens. The house elves are keeping it safe for me,' George grinned. Hermione frowned.

Suddenly, there was a loud crack! next to them. A house elf had appeared next to the hearth.

'Mr Weasley?' the elf said nervously.

'Yeah?' George said, his grin gone.

'Professor McGonagall…found your… tank. She'd like to see you if that's alright.'

George rolled his eyes and headed resignedly to the portrait hole; the elf disappeared back to the kitchens.

'He's too late to get a real date now, too!' Fred said gleefully, clapping his hands.

'He can go with Hermione!' Ron said. 'We all know she's making her date up…'

* * *

_Number 23 - I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class._

'What the hell is that?' Lee Jordan whispered to the twins.

'It's a magic eight ball; we found it in a muggle shop. Apparently it tells the future!' George whispered excitedly.

'What do you do?' Lee asked, eyes alight.

'Ask a question, shake it, and turn it upside down,' Fred answered, jiggling the ball about. 'Let's pit it against Trelawney, shall we?'

The professor was busy sorting her teacups at the other side of the room, so George said, in a very loud, carrying voice; 'Magic Eight Ball: Can Professor Trelawney really predict the future?'

He turned the ball over; Trelawney whipped her head around.

'Outlook not so good,' Fred read aloud, peering over his brother's shoulder.

'Hmm. Let's try another. Will Fred and I get into trouble for this little display?' George asked the ball, a grin spreading across his face. Trelawney looked furious.

'Better not tell you now…' George read. 'Blimey, that doesn't sound good. Shall I try again?'

His twin nodded, grinning. George repeated his question, and looked at the answer.

''It is certain.' Hey, this thing's good!' he exclaimed, laughing, as Trelawney sent them, wordless, to McGonagall.

* * *

_Number 28 - I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or a piranha._

'How many times have we discussed this?' McGonagall exclaimed, pacing round her office. 'I tell you three time, and time again, not to bring unauthorized animals into the school, but no, you just go ahead and do it anyway!' She paused, and placed her hands on her desk. 'First, that ridiculous python -'

'_Reticulated_, actually,' Fred corrected.

She glared at him. 'Then the _snow leopard_!'

'It was winter!' George insisted. 'We though he'd like it here!'

'The Tasmanian devil?' She pressed.

'That was just for fun,' Fred admitted.

'And you, Hagrid!' she turned on the third person in the line of fire. 'Letting them carry all this on under your nose!'

He looked shamefacedly away. 'Ah, they were only havin' fun, Professor. I had an eye on them the whole time! The Piranhas have bin fine! They love it in the lake!'

She was momentarily stunned. '_Piranhas_?' she screeched. 'What _piranhas_?'

The twins heaved a sigh.

* * *

_Number 36 - I will not change the password to the prefect's bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty"._

It was late, almost eleven o'clock, and the twins were hidden behind the statue of Boris the Bewildered, and they had a perfect view of the Prefects' bathroom door, where they knew their brother Percy would be headed very soon.

'Think he'll ever guess it?' Fred whispered to George, scanning their Marauder's Map for any sign of their brother.

'No,' George grinned in reply. 'And there he is,' he said, pointing to the map, a place only a corridor away from the one they were in.

'The twins watched with baited breath as Percy arrived round the corner, and stopped in front of the imposing looking door. 'Callidora,' he said confidently to the door.

It remained shut. 'Callidora!' he said again, impatiently.

'Callidora?' he said, much more hesitantly, when the door refused to move again.

George pulled a small paper airplane from his pocket, and threw it over to his brother, where it hit him on the back of the head.

Percy bent to pick it up, and, unfolding it, read aloud the words written along the wing.

'Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty.'

The door swung open noiselessly.

'Percy walked inside, and didn't turn as he called behind him; 'I'm telling McGonagall, Fred and George.'

* * *

_Number 62_ -_ Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled "Firewhiskey"._

'I believe Professor McGonagall sent you here with the message 'Just because it's Christmas doesn't mean you get away with it.'' Dumbledore peered at the twins over his spectacles. 'What exactly did she mean by this?'

The twins looked at each other. 'Well, sir, you see…it being Christmas and all…we had some Firewhiskey sent up from -' Fred began, before being nudged in the ribs by George. Dumbledore raised an eyebrow, but allowed him to continue.

'Uh – the …kitchens…' he continued, smiling nervously. 'And we were giving it away at a stall we'd set up in the common room.'

'And by giving it away – we mean selling it.,' George amended.

'And by stall – we mean table, with a banner reading 'Gryffindor Courage,'' Fred added.

Dumbledore chuckled. 'I'm afraid that Professor McGonagall is correct. I cannot let you get away with this,' he said as he wrote out detentions for them, to be served later that week.

The twins accepted their punishments, their shoulders slumped.

'But, seeing as it _is_ Christmas…' Dumbledore rose from his chair and swept to his cupboard, his back to the twins, 'we'll drink to it.' He turned to them, a smile on his face and three small glasses of Firewhiskey in his hands.

Fred and George beamed.

* * *

_Number 71 - I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin house mascot._

Madam Hooch's whistle pierced the air, and both Quidditch teams rose into the air. It was a fine, sunny day, perfect match weather. Slytherin and Gryffindor were playing for the Cup.

Fred and George nodded once to each other, a silent communication between the twins.

The players were evenly matched, the score was soon an even 70-70.

About twenty minutes in, the twins spotted Harry streaking upwards, chasing a glimmer of gold in the distance. Knowing they had only seconds, the twins flew as fast as they could toward Malfoy, the Slytherin seeker. Pulling the hand that wasn't holding the beater bat off their broomsticks, they thrust said hand into their pockets, and pulled them out in unison, just as Malfoy flew between them. Stunned by the spectacle, Malfoy tilted his broom accidentally, and hurtled toward earth. The crowd was cheering madly, and the twins knew their plan had worked. Harry had caught the snitch, thanks to the sock puppet snakes they had worn and thrust at Malfoy's face.

As they landed, they high-fived each other with their puppeted hands, and the team all rushed to congratulate them.

It would have been a truly perfect day, had it not been for Snape, striding toward them, a stony expression on his face, and dragging them off to his office for immediate punishment.

But, as Fred later said to George, as they polished bedpans by hand in the hospital wing; 'you can't have everything.'

* * *

_Number 89 - I will not charm Hermione's time turner to rotate every half-hour._

'I can't believe Ron and Harry haven't worked it out yet!' Fred said idly to George as they sat in their dormitory. 'I mean, how do they think she's doing it?'

'They're idiots,' George replied. 'Harry's good in high pressure situations, sure, but everyday logic? Not a strong point.'

Fred chuckled in agreement. It was late, and they were just about to turn in, when Hermione burst through their dormitory doors.

'You have _some _explaining to do,' she cried, wild eyed.

'I think you should tell us how you were electrocuted first,' George said, gesturing to Hermione's dishevelled robes and hair. 'We've seen dad when it's happened to him. It's not pretty.'

Hermione ignored them and pulled her time-turner out of her robes. 'You jinxed it, didn't you?' she asked, very high pitched.

'Um…' George glanced at Fred.

'Not worth denying, brother,' Fred shrugged. 'Yeah, we did. Did you laugh? It was supposed to be funny.'

'_Funny_?' she shrieked. 'I thought it was _broken!_ Do you realise how many times I went back half an hour before I _realised_? How many Hermione's there were running around, trying to _avoid_ each other? And when I finally got to McGonagall's office, there was about _three _of me already there! Because for some reason, I always seemed to disappear while I was talking to _her!_'

'Oh,' George said. 'Sorry?'

'_Sorry?_' she screamed. 'McGonagall had to do a trace spell to see who jinxed it! It led _here_, surprise _surprise!' _

'McGonagall knows?' George yelped.

'Aw, Hermione!' Fred wailed.

'Yes, that was the other thing,' Hermione said, calming down slightly. 'She wants to see you two in her office, _now._'

* * *

_Number 130 - It is not necessary for me to yell "BAMF!" every time I Apparate._

'What was it this time?' Harry asked Fred and George, as they returned from yet another trip to McGonagall's office.

'Apparently there have been complaints about us in Hogsmeade,' George sighed, as he plonked himself on the sofa in front of the fireplace.

'Complaints? About what?' Ron asked, who was absent-mindedly doodling on the corner of an essay.

'I know what it's about,' Hermione stated, as she joined them at the hearth. 'People have been complaining because of that irritating habit you two have of yelling '_bamf_!' every time you apparate.'

'Actually, I think you'll find it's 'BAMF!'' Fred corrected her.

'And I don't see why it's such a problem,' George added.

'Because it's bloody annoying?' Ron suggested, earning a kick from Fred.

'Can I just ask why?' Harry quizzed them.

'For fun,' George shrugged.

'So what's your punishment this time?' Ron asked.

'Lines,' Fred supplied. We have to write '_It_ _is not necessary for me to yell "BAMF!" every time I Apparate' _four hundred times_.'_

'I think it caused McGonagall physical pain to have to write the word BAMF though, so it was totally worth it,' George said, grinning.

* * *

_Number 131 - I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways._

'This is wicked, George, I can't believe we haven't done this before!' Fred whispered to his brother.

'I know! First years are so easily scared!' George replied, pointing the sword at a crowd of the aforementioned year group and scowling at them. They scattered.

'Dumbledore's office is not heavily guarded,' Fred mused. 'Just guess the right sweet and it opens right up. Who'd have thought?'

George laughed, and passed the sword to Fred, so he could have a turn.

They were just frightening a group of second years when they bumped into Professors McGonagall and Dumbledore. George held the large sword behind his back.

'Hello professors!' He said brightly.

'What brings you to the fourth floor?' Fred asked, in a curiously jaunty manner,

'George,' McGonagall said, ignoring Fred's unnecessary question. 'Give Albus the sword, and follow me to my office, please.' She stalked off, leaving the twins with Dumbledore.

'You really should stop pushing her so far, boys,' Dumbledore said with a gentle smile, as he accepted the sword from the twins.

'Right. Thanks, professor,' George said for both of them. They turned and slouched after McGonagall, leaving Dumbledore to finish their patrol.

* * *

_And finally, Number 142 - "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice._

McGonagall looked up from their identical career choice forms, to see their identical faces.

She sighed.

'No. Just – no.'

'What?' George said innocently.

'What?' she repeated. 'You both want _'To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys,' _that's what!'

'That's perfectly valid!' Fred said happily. 'That is what we want to do, and I feel certain we'll succeed.'

'That's what the wicked witch of the west did!' George added, proud of his knowledge of the muggle world's fairytales.

'What? Who?' McGonagall asked, before changing her mind. 'No – leave it.'

'Okay, but you're missing out on a great story!' Fred grinned.

McGonagall paused, and looked at her two most troublesome students.

'You know what? That's fine. You two can go now,' she said, sighing. The twins glanced at each other and shrugged. They left before she could change her mind.

When they had gone, McGonagall placed their forms into a large envelope, and addressed it to the minister. With the forms, she placed a note.

'Potential Evil Overlords – Keep an eye on these two.'

* * *

A/N: Review, review, review!


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: See chapter one.

A/N: Here's another chapter of Fred and George's famous (infamous?) Hogwarts pranks. I hope you enjoy the latest instalment! I have to say, I'm running out of decent material from the list, so if anyone has any of their own, let me know, and I'll try and include them next time!

* * *

_Number 9 - I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful"._

Fred and George stomped into the common room, their hair wet and their faces thunderous.

'I take it that was your idea of a hilarious joke?' Fred demanded of the three friends sitting in front of the fire.

'Well, yeah,' Ron smiled.

'Wasn't it good?' Harry grinned.

'I did most of the work!' Hermione beamed.

'Why? Why would you be so cruel?' George asked, sitting down on the hearth.

'Well, we were getting really hacked off with you referring to showering as 'giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful,'' Ron began.

'So we came up with a plan,' Harry added.

'The next time the two of you went for a shower…' Hermione trailed off.

'We arranged for Moaning Myrtle to meet you there!' Ron beamed.

'So did she get her eyeful?' Harry asked.

'Or did you two run out screaming like we predicted?' Hermione smiled condescendingly at them.

'The latter,' George said without a hint of a smile.

'You three are evil,' Fred said.

'Now you know what it feels like, brother,' Ron shrugged.

'Yes, well, we'll be going now. Don't expect to see us for a few weeks. We'll be in recovery,' George spoke for himself and his twin, as they headed up to bed.

* * *

_Number 12 - House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers._

'Okay, just do a shield spell around him – there you go' Fred beamed at his twin. 'Perfect.'

'You sure you're okay with this, pal?' George asked the elf. They were on the Quidditch pitch, and it was cold.

'Yes, of course, Fred Weasley!' he said, in his squeaky voice.

'It's George, but never mind. Okay, I'm going to throw you now.'

George tossed the elf to his brother, who swung his bat around. It connected with the elf's stomach, and bounced him back to George, who caught him.

'Did that hurt?' George asked.

'No, sir! It was fine!' the elf squealed.

'Excellent!' Fred beamed.

'_What_ is going on here?' a voice shrieked from the doorway.

Fred and George looked over, and saw that it was Madam Hooch.

'Aw _fu-_' they began in unison, as they followed Hooch to Dumbledore's office.

'Why do we always get caught?' Fred whispered to George, as they walked into the castle.

'Well, we're not exactly discreet, mate,' George replied simply.

* * *

_Number 19 -. I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends"._

'Wait, that's not even funny!' Hermione exclaimed at the twins, tucking her hourglass into her robes, as they walked along the charms corridor.

'What?' Fred asked.

'You're both twins!'

Fred and George looked at each other, and nodded slowly. 'Yeah, we'd noticed.'

'Well you were just slagging the Patils off, for being twins!'

'Huh?' Fred asked.

'Did you miss the conclusion of that conversation, Hermione?' Fred asked, confused.

'We were being sarcastic! It was _very_ funny!' George insisted.

'Oh…' Hermione flushed.

'Third year getting to you, Hermione?' Ron nudged her. 'All those extra classes?'

Fred and George laughed as they realised what had happened.

'Believe us, Hermione, Bookends are a very good way to describe the Patils, and you'll never understand why. Because you were too busy with classes.'

* * *

_Number 25 - Tricking the school house elf into stripping does not mean they are now mine even if I yell "Owned!"_

Dumbledore was sitting across his desk from the Weasley twins, a house elf called Timmy, and Hermione Granger.

'Hermione, Timmy, you may leave us now.'

Hermione nodded, and left the office, the elf following her.

Dumbledore waited 'til the door had closed behind them before turning to Fred and George.

'Come on, boys. You must have known that wouldn't work?' he signed. 'Not your best, I have to say.'

The twins were silent.

'Well, I have to punish you for this, you know,' Dumbledore smiled. 'You're not allowed to try and coerce school house elves into working for you alone. And Miss Granger was very upset.'

'Yeah, we know…' Fred shrugged. 'We would have been nice to him!'

'I have no doubt,' Dumbledore's eyes twinkled as he wrote out their punishments.

* * *

_Number 34 - The Ravenclaws are not "Mentals in training"._

Professor McGonagall paced in front of the twins, who were sitting in her office, looking sheepish.

'This time, boys, you took it too far!' She warned. 'You've done some pretty bizarre things before, but this really tops it.' She stopped pacing, and sat down on her desk chair. 'How?' she asked plaintively.

'Well, it was really quite complicated,' Fred began.

'Yeah, it took a lot of research,' George continued.

'And when we worked out how to do it, we though long and hard what we were going to do,' Fred beamed.

'I think we came up with a funny and informative solution.' George looked hopefully at McGonagall. 'Don't you think?'

The professor looked thunderous. 'You changed the Ravenclaw pass question to 'What are Ravenclaws?'

Fred and George nodded, their grins fading slightly.

'And you made the answer '_Mentals in Training?!_'' she shrieked.

'Yeah?' Fred said.

'The Ravenclaws stood outside their door for _hours _giving any answer they could think of until one of them had to go and fetch Flitwick!' McGonagall exclaimed.

'Not as smart as they think then, eh?' Fred nudged George.

McGonagall sighed. 'I swear, if you boys put a fraction of the effort you put into you pranks into your schoolwork, you'd be the best students in school.'

George leaned over to Fred and whispered, as McGonagall filled out their punishments; 'We are the best students in school, right?'

'Oh yeah, brother,' Fred grinned. 'We're legends!'

* * *

_Number 69 - First-years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow._

'Yep, just down there, the tree that's waving to you. It's a Slytherin rite of passage,' Fred insisted, pointing the Slytherin first years toward the violent tree. 'You have to go and make friends with it. Tickle it's branches, press it's knots, you know.'

'Are you sure?' a little girl asked him, sneering.

'Yes,' George beamed. 'The older Slytherins will be so impressed.'

'Why are you telling us? You're Gryffindor!' a boy asked them, eyebrows raised.

'Oh…the older Slytherins are too important to talk to you until you've made friends with the Whomping Willow. Off you go!'

The twins sent the first years on their way, and watched to see how long it took them to work out how to stop the tree flailing around.

'10 minutes and 43 seconds,' Fred said when they had completed their task. 'Not bad.'

'Not bad for them,' came a voice from behind them. 'Very bad for you.'

They turned round. It was McGonagall. 'Oh no.' Fred whispered.

'Correct.' The professor said, as she gestured for the twins to follow her.

* * *

_Number 90 - If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it._

'So what's the haul today?' Harry asked the twins as they sat down in the Gryffindor common room. They liked to discuss the various punishments the twins collected during the day, and see who got the best ones.

'I got Filch duty from –well, Filch,' Fred offered.

'Boring,' Ron said. Hermione frowned.

'I got a good one!' George grinned. 'From Lupin.'

'And?' Ron prompted. Hermione rolled her eyes.

'Well, he was telling us all about various spells he's seen used, and he was talking about this bloke him and his school pals didn't get along with, and the duels they had with him,' he said, trying not to laugh.

'Yes?' Harry gestured for him to continue.

'Anyway, one of the spells he was talking about made me laugh uncontrollably for about five minutes,' he continued, breaking out in laughter. 'So he gave me lines!'

He showed Harry, Ron and Hermione the paper on which his punishment was written.

''If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it,'' Harry read aloud.

'Nice!' Ron said appreciatively.

'So what was the spell?' Hermione asked grudgingly.

George stopped laughing. 'I can't remember!'

He looked at Fred, who shrugged. As George left their table to go and ask if anyone else could remember, Fred leaned toward the three. 'Lupin modified his memory and bribed us all ten house points each if we didn't tell him or anyone else.'

Hermione beamed, while Ron and Harry shook their heads.

* * *

_Number 112 - Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit._

'Look, Professor!' Fred waved his hand in the air, trying to get Professor Trelawney's attention.

'Yes, Fred, dear?' Trelawney swooped down on the twins, who were sharing a table with Lee.

'Apparently I've to 'Plan for many pleasures ahead!'' He read aloud from a small slip of paper.

'And I've to 'be mischievous and I will not be lonesome!'' George joined in.

'Where are you getting this from, boys?' Trelawney said, her voice losing it's dreamy quality.

'From these 100 true fortune cookies!' Lee produced a bag from under the table.

'What?' she asked, confused.

'There's no need for crystal balls, guys!' Fred announced to the class.

'Who needs tea leaves?' George added.

'Just use Fortune Cookies!' Lee finished, throwing the cookies to his classmates.

The class was filled with people shouting their fortunes.

'As a purse is emptied a heart is filled!'

'Someone is speaking well of me!'

'I will inherit some money or a small piece of land!'

Trelawney grabbed one. '100 true, you say? She asked excitedly, cracking hers open.

'She who laughs at herself will never run out of things to laugh at?' she read, her face falling.

Fred and George fell about laughing. 'Here, have the rest! Hand them out in class!' They turned to gather their belongings, as the bell rang. 'Oh, and don't tell McGonagall!' Fred added, as they slipped through the trapdoor, still laughing.

* * *

_Number 116 - I will never ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling._

'Harry?' Fred whispered, as he and George joined he, Ron and Hermione in the library.

'No!' Harry whispered loudly. 'No, my scar senses are NOT bloody tingling, and I don't know how you ever thought they could, seeing as you should never have seen Spiderman, being brought up in a wizarding house, and if the world had any justice, it would stay that way!'

'I was just going to ask -' Fred tried again.

'No! Just don't! My scar is perfectly fine, it tingles when EVIL is around, so come to think of it, maybe it should be tingling seeing as YOU'RE BOTH HERE!' His whispering wasn't whispering anymore.

'Um, Harry -' George began, before being cut off by Harry again.

'How many times this week? A million? I lost count after the first thousand or so! You two should be banned from the muggle world, it gives you too many crazy ideas!' He paused for breath, and looked at the twins' bleak faces. 'What?' he asked, still annoyed.

A tapping on his shoulder made Harry shut up immediately.

'Potter. Report to Professor McGonagall now, for disrupting the peace of the library,' Madam Pince ordered.

Harry stood up, sighing, gathered his things, and motioned for the twins to follow him.

'What?' Fred asked.

'You're coming with me!' Harry said.

'Why?' George pretended to look hurt.

''Cause I'm gonna tell her it was you anyway…' his retreating figure called back.

'Damn,' said the twins in unison.

* * *

_Number 137 - It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously._

'Maybe that wasn't such a good idea,' Fred mentioned casually to George, as they hung upside down in Snape's dungeon.

'No, probably not,' George agreed amicably, as he picked pickled tarantula out of his hair.

* * *

A/N: Reviews, please!


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: See chapter one.

A/N: Due to the amount of awesome suggestions people gave me, this chapter's going to be made up of reader's own rules, plus one from the original list. I'll add all of them to the list at the end. Thanks to pink horse shoes, Kayla, and Tickle Me Pink for their suggestions, and if anyone has anymore, let me know, and I'll try and include them next time!

* * *

_143. I will not sing "We're off to see the wizard" when sent to the Headmaster's office._

'Hello again, boys,' Dumbledore said, smiling faintly as he sat down on his desk chair, opposite the twins.

'Hey, Professor,' they said in unison.

'I gather you've been irritating Minerva with your latest tomfoolery?

'Well…' Fred started.

'Maybe a little?' George smiled.

'She told me that,' he consulted his notes, ''every time I send those boys to you, they sing that dreadful muggle song, 'we're off to see the wizard,' and not only is it badly sung, it's also very, very annoying.''

'That's about the size of it, yes,' Fred agreed.

'Well, this isn't exactly a punishable offence,' Dumbledore murmured, almost to himself, 'although I have no doubt it's quite charmless…so,' he said, raising his voice again, 'I'm just going to ask you boys to stop it.' Fred and George raised their eyebrows simultaneously. 'And if you don't – well then that _is_ a punishable offence, and I have no doubt that Minerva would see fit to hang you upside down in the dungeons for it,' he smiled, letting the twins know he was joking. They didn't smile, and as they left, Dumbledore heard one of them mutter: 'Been there, done that…'

* * *

_151. I will not teach the front doors to recognise Filch and not let him in._

'Got that, doors?' Fred whispered hurriedly. The huge front doors remained motionless. 'We'll take that as a yes!'

The twins slipped through the aforementioned doors, and, shutting them, stood to listen in the entrance hall at the other side. They grinned as they heard footsteps climbing the stairs at the entrance. They heard whoever it was trying to pull the doors open. And they silently laughed with joy when they realised their plan had worked.

'Oi, lemme in!' said the rough voice of their caretaker.

The doors stayed resolutely shut.

'I command you, as a member of staff at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, to let me in!' Filch yelled.

Someone watching from the exterior side would have seen the gnarls and knots of the front doors form themselves into a face shape. Fred and George only heard the booming voice that issued from its menacing wooden mouth.

'No one shall enter Hogwarts when the doors do not allow it! Begone from this place, Squib!'

The twins could just picture Filch's face when the doors called him a squib, and they burst out laughing, unable to stop even when they saw McGonagall's face beckoning them to follow her to her office.

* * *

_154. Giving Professor Snape a ton tongue toffee is unacceptable._

'Do you want to explain why the Potions Master is currently sporting a ten foot long purple tongue?' Madam Pomfrey spluttered at the twins.

'We found him like this, Madam Pomfrey!' Fred said, his eyes wide.

'In the dungeons!' George added.

'We were headed there-'

'For potions class-'

'And we saw him on the floor-'

'With the tongue!' George finished.

'We didn't know what to do, so we brought him here!' Fred chanced a look at Snape, who was struggling with his tongue on the hospital wing bed.

Snape looked back at them, over his tongue, eyes narrowed in suspicion.

Madam Pomfrey nodded them out, insisting she needed time to heal Snape, and the twins headed back to their common room.

'Excellent, we did the stupid dare Harry set us, and no one will ever know it was us!' Fred whispered to his twin.

'I wouldn't be sure about that, boys,' came a gently amused voice from around the corner of the corridor. Dumbledore stepped round, smiling. 'Boys, amusing though you may find it, poisoning a teacher is a very serious offence.'

'It's hardly poison, we just gave him a long tongue!' George complained.

'I think you'd better go to Minerva's. Let her know why, and for goodness' sake, tell her the truth this time,' Dumbledore ordered, still smiling slightly.

* * *

_156. I will not introduce Slytherins to 'my pet dog Fluffy,' no matter how tempting it is._

'Hey kids, wanna see something cool?' Fred whispered to some Slytherin first years lined up outside Flitwick's classroom.

'Sure!' the gaggle of little Slytherins agreed, following him down the corridor.

George stood in front of the door.

'This is my pet dog, folks. Fluffy.'

He swung open the door, ushering the children inside, before quickly shutting the door on them.

As the twins walked away from the charms corridor, Fred remarked to George; 'Was that a little harsh?'

'Nah,' George replied. 'We left the door unlocked. Plus there was Bill's old guitar right next to the door. If they don't work out either of those concepts, then let's face it, they deserve to be eaten by a giant three headed dog.'

'True,' Fred grinned.

* * *

_157. Shouting 'How COULD you betray me like that?' whenever Snape removes house points is forbidden._

'You boys, I'm sure, are aware that it's not advisable to antagonise Professor Snape,' Dumbledore said calmly. 'He's not the easiest man in the world to get along with.' There was a pause, and the twins looked sheepishly at their headmaster. 'He takes away enough Gryffindor house points as it is, boys, and even though I'm not supposed to be biased, that was my old house. I like to see it winning.'

He smiled gently. 'But to yell…' he consulted his notes, ' 'How COULD you betray me like that?' every time he does take away points, is simply asking for trouble. And, as we've seen, has resulted in him removing even more points.'

'Yeah…well, in our defence…' Fred looked at his brother for help.

'Aw, Fred, let's face it,' George said, shrugging. 'We have no defence.'

Dumbledore smiled again. 'It's against school rules to talk back to teachers, boys. So there's going to be detention for this.'

'As long as we don't have to serve it _with _Snape, then that's just dandy, sir,' the twins said together.

* * *

_158. I will not steal veritaserum from Snape's store and add some to the teacher's morning tea._

'You know, Minerva, I don't really like your new haircut,' Professor Flitwick said conversationally over breakfast, one cold wintry day. The whole staff table fell silent, as Flitwick covered his mouth with his hands. 'I mean -'

'I think you should keep your opinions to yourself, Filius!' McGonagall said, patting her hair, swept up into its usual bun. 'Everyone else likes it,' she added, almost petulantly.

'Well, actually, I think it's a little severe,' Dumbledore said calmly. 'Oh…Minerva!' he realised what he'd said. 'I'm sorry!'

'Well I think you should think about cutting yours off, Albus, it's ridiculous!' McGonagall fired back.

'Now, now, there's no need to get angry,' Hagrid tried to intervene.

'Oh shut up, you glorified collie dog!' Snape snapped down the table.

'Excuse me?' Professor Sprout raised her eyebrow. 'Collie dog?'

'It could do his job better than he can!' Snape replied.

'Well at least he's not covered in his own grease, Severus!' Snape's eyes widened.

'You'd do better to stay in your greenhouse, Pomona…'

'Wait!' Moody held his hands up. 'What's going on?' The hall had fallen silent at the teacher's angry conversations.

Suddenly, peals of laughter erupted from the Gryffindor table. Fred and George stood up. 'We're going to turn ourselves in for this one, before you lot do any real damage!' they said together.

* * *

_159. I will not tell Snape he need to go to his 'happy place'_

'That probably wasn't such a hot idea either, Fred,' George sighed to his brother, as they clung onto the slippery circular roof of Gryffindor tower, where they'd been stuck since their first period potions class that morning.

'No,' Fred agreed, checking his watch. It was nearly midnight. Snape would come and get them soon. He looked past his brother at the dark sky beyond. 'Great views, though.'

* * *

_160. I must not convince first years that the new password to Gryffindor tower is 'Petrificus Totalus' and must be said with their wands pointed at themselves._

'Flibbertigibbet!' a first year announced to the Fat Lady's portrait at Gryffindor tower.

'No,' she replied. 'The password changed this afternoon. You'll have to find a prefect to tell you, or Professor McGonagall.'

'Oh no!' the first year wailed to her friends. 'I'm so scared of McGonagall!'

Her friends nodded fervently.

'Hey, we know the password!' came a voice, or two voices, the first years couldn't tell. The Weasley twins were still _too _identical for them.

'Yes?' the first year probed.

'Well, there was a security breach earlier today,' said one of them.

'So they've had to change the system slightly,' said the other.

The first years nodded seriously. The Fat Lady opened her mouth as if to speak, but thought better of it, and closed it again. She settled back in her frame to watch, smiling slightly.

'You have to say the password with your wand pointed directly at yourselves, see?' Fred demonstrated sticking his wand into his stomach.

'And then you have to say the words 'Petrificus Totalus!' George said.

'But that's not all,' Fred continued. 'Everyone has to do it at the same time, to prove you're all Gryffindors, see?'

'Ahhh,' the first years nodded.

'Okay, on three everyone!' George said, and all the first years turned to the portrait and steadied their wands. 'Petrificus Totalus!' they said at once, before becoming terribly rigid and falling over.

'Beautiful,' Fred congratulated George.

'Perfect,' George replied.

'Damn it,' Fred said. George looked confused. 'McGonagall, twelve o' clock and headed our way…'

* * *

_161. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that my teacup says she's lying._

'Ahhh, my dear, it seems that you will fall sick in around a week's time…don't come into class, now, you don't want to spread anything…' Trelawney's voice drifted across her classroom as she peered into Angelina's teacup. Most of the class was asleep, or nearly there.

'Um, Professor?' Fred said, his hand in the air. Trelawney turned round. He was staring deeply into his teacup.

'Yes, dear?' Trelawney said dreamily.

'My cup seems to differ,' he replied, looking up. 'In fact,' he said, showing her the cup, 'it says you're a liar.'

Affronted, Trelawney glanced into the cup, and indeed, there, formed out of tea leaves, was the word 'LIAR.'

'I'm sure it's talking about you, Professor, because, well, look,' Fred said, offering her George's cup too.

Trelawney's hands trembled as she accepted the other cup. 'That, means you, Professor Trelawney…' she read aloud. 'Oh…' she said, frowning, before seeming to realise who she was dealing with. 'You two, Professor McGonagall's office, now!'

The twins nodded once, and as they headed down the ladder, they could be heard remarking to each other 'totally worth it!' and 'her face…priceless!'

* * *

_163. The forbidden forest is forbidden because it contains werewolves and acromantula, not because there is a secret cave with the answers to every test, and I should refrain from telling the first years that there is._

'I think we're lost!' A Hufflepuff first year wailed to his friends.

'Not too loud, you don't want to wake anything up!' another remarked.

'Oh come on, everything in here is bound to be nocturnal, everything will already be awake!' a girl said, grumpily.

Suddenly, a crashing noise reached them.

'Something is coming through the woods – towards us!' the first boy said.

'Well then let's find this freaking cave and get outta here!' the girl snapped..

Suddenly, the crashing stopped, and five people came into view.

The Hufflepuffs recognised all of them. There were the twins that had told them about the cave, plus Harry Potter and his two sidekicks.

'Hello,' the bushy haired girl said. 'I heard that Fred and George here told you about a cave in the forest?'

'Yeah,' the first boy said. 'With the answers to every test in it.'

Ron burst out laughing, Harry following suit. Scowling, Hermione explained the 'joke' to the first years, who followed them dejectedly out of the forest. Hermione could be heard berating the twins all the way back up to the castle; she needn't have bothered. McGonagall was waiting for their arrival back in the Entrance Hall, punishments for the twins already forming in her head.

* * *

A/N: Hope you enjoyed! Please leave a review with suggestions!


	6. Chapter 6

* * *

Disclaimer: See chapter one.

A/N: Again, this chapter is going to be made up of reader's suggestions! I've added those to the end again. If anyone has any good ones, let me know and I will of course try to include them! Thanks to George the Hedgehog, and patty the purple platypus for their suggestions!

By the way, does anyone else watch Neil Cicierega's awesome Potter Puppet Pals on YouTube? Anyone else think he should totally add Fred and George to his cast?

* * *

_165. I will not tie-dye all of the owls._

'Oh I'm so glad it's the weekend!' Ron sighed, stretching luxuriously. 'Pass us the kippers, Hermione, would you?'

Hermione was deeply engrossed in a large, old book, so Harry passed him the plate, and looked expectantly at the ceiling.

'Post owls are late this morning,' he commented darkly.

'Who are we expecting to hear from?' Ron asked thickly; his mouth was full of toast.

'Snuffles,' Harry sighed.

'Hmm,' Ron sympathised in his own way; this time his mouth was filled with kipper.

'Hello, little brother and cohorts!' Fred announced happily as he plonked himself down opposite Ron, George taking the space next to him.

'Morning,' Harry greeted them. Ron said nothing. He was chewing.

'When are the owls coming?' Harry said exasperatedly.

'Ahh…sounds like they're on their way,' George said, his eyes gleaming.

Sure enough, the sound of flapping grew louder, and soon hundreds of owls were streaming through the Great Hall. The usual sounds of Saturday breakfast at Hogwarts were hushed as people watched the spectacle. Ron coughed in surprise, splattering Harry with bits of food.

'Um, Fred, George… why are all the owls multicoloured?' Harry asked, grimacing at his robes. Without looking up, Hermione vanished the crumbs with a flick of her wand.

'Not just multicoloured,' he replied, as the hall erupted in loud laughter. 'They're tie dyed!' he said, Fred nodding wisely next to him. 'How?' Harry asked plaintively, as a brightly coloured Hedwig landed in front of him. 'And _why_?'

'A tricky little spell on the Owlery. And…for the _fun_, Harry!' Fred said.

'I don't suppose you know anything about this, Weasley?' a sharp voice came from behind them. Fred, George and Ron looked round. It was, of course, McGonagall. 'Not you,' she said gesturing at a bright red and choking Ron. 'You two.'

'Umm…'

'My office, now. I think you know the way…' she said, turning away from them.

* * *

_169. I must stop telling first years about the time the Hogwarts Christmas tree ate a student_

'Really?' the group of first years wailed in unison, where they stood in the Entrance Hall.

'Yes, really, children,' Fred said importantly.

'Hogwarts Christmas trees have a hunger for first years?' a little Ravenclaw girl said plaintively. 'Really?'

The twins nodded. 'True story. One of our dear friends, his first Christmas at Hogwarts…eaten before he could open a single present,' George sighed.

'Poor, poor guy…' Fred sniffed.

The group of first years stood, shocked and terrified, while Fred and George wiped their faux tears away. Suddenly, Hagrid heaved open the door, and smiling briefly at the twins, dragged in a colossal Christmas tree. 'Hello, kids!' he said brightly to the first years, who took one look at the tree and scarpered.

'Wha' was tha' abou'?' Hagrid asked the twins, as he watched the first year's retreating backs.

'I think I have an idea, Hagrid,' came a voice from behind the twins. They groaned as they turned to face their head of house.

'Any chance you found that funny, Professor?' Fred asked hopefully. McGonagall didn't bother answering.

* * *

_171. Telling Draco Malfoy to 'Make like a ferret and bounce' is always a bad idea._

'I don't care what Professor Moody did, it's still not acceptable!' McGonagall shrieked. 'He is still a fellow student, Slytherin or not, and you are not to antagonise him!'

'Aw, Professor!' the twins wailed together.

'Malfoy was made a spectacle of, and it's not fair to bring it up again and again!'

'But he's a total menace to us, too!' George cried.

'Menace?' his brother looked at him, one eyebrow raised.

'Yes! Menace!' George said firmly.

'Sure. Menace! He's a menace!' Fred said. 'Hang on. What were we talking about?'

'Malfoy!' McGonagall bellowed.

'Keep your hair on Professor!' the twins said in unison.

'I can't deal with this right now,' she said exasperatedly. 'Go to your common room – and – await punishment,' she said. 'And I _will _find you, you know.'

Smiling slightly, the twins stepped out of her office. McGonagall moved to watch them walk down the corridor. She frowned as Moody stepped into the corridor. 'He's such a bad influence on those boys…' she muttered, heading back into her office to sulk.

* * *

_172. I will not start singing and dancing in the middle of a class and blame that someone put the __Imperious Curse on me._

'I understand that Professor Binns has sent you to my office for some misdemeanour in class,' Professor Dumbledore aid, surveying the twins over the top of his half moon spectacles.

'Correct,' Fred agreed.

'And this would be what?' Dumbledore asked, his white eyebrows raised.

'We may have been…doing some…out of place…' George began.

'Dancing,' Fred stated.

'Yeah, dancing,' George nodded.

'And, well, Professor Binns might not have minded if it hadn't been for the singing…' Fred smiled hopefully.

'Yeah, but that might still have been okay. It was when he asked us what we were doing,' George smirked, ' and we sort of told him we were under the – uh – imperious curse.'

'Ahh…' Dumbledore sighed.

'Yes. Inappropriate, we know,' Fred clasped his hands together.

'But not however, worth a trip to your office. We're clearly wasting your precious time, Professor,' George smiled at the headmaster.

'Oh, on the contrary boys. An old man like me has nothing to do with his days. And honestly, hearing your bizarre offences is quite enough to brighten my day.' He smiled. 'Although, not, I suppose, Professor Binns'. So, I'm going to have to write you out a punishment anyway.'

'You enjoy this, don't you Professor?' George sulked.

'Almost as much as you two seem to enjoy irritating your professors,' Dumbledore agreed gently.

* * *

_173. I must not throw Hermione's Hogwarts: A History out the window and then claim that it wanted freedom._

'Fred!' Hermione wailed, as her favourite book sailed through the common room window.

'What? It was begging for it!' Fred said cheerfully.

'Yeah, it wanted a bit of fresh air!' George agreed.

'It wanted to see how much Hogwarts has changed since it was written!' Fred beamed at her.

'That's not funny, it's a very important book!' Hermione pouted, looking to Ron and Harry for support.

'Don't look at me, I would have done that years ago if it hadn't been for the fear of your wrath,' Ron said, Harry nodding sagely beside him.

'It was long due, Hermione,' he said, chuckling.

'And you can't write to our mother _again,_ Hermione, it'll get old,' George grinned.

'Fine, I won't,' she said, suddenly on her tiptoes, craning her neck to try and find someone in the crowded common room. 'But I _will_ tell…Percy!' she beamed, calling the third Weasley child over.

'What's wrong, Hermione?' Percy asked, sniffing pompously.

'Fred and George threw my book out of the window!'

Percy narrowed his eyes and motioned for the twins to follow him.

'Low blow, Hermione,' Ron said, shaking his head.

'Yeah, that was below the belt,' Harry agreed.

'I just want my book back. And what's he going to do to them anyway?'

Ron frowned. 'I hope it's not what he did to me after I stole his OWLs results and changed all the grades on them…'

* * *

_174. I must not leave shampoo on Professor Snape's desk with directions on how to use it._

Harry, Ron and Hermione were the last ones in the common room; it was well past midnight. Ron stifled a yawn, and Hermione sleepily scratched Crookshanks behind the ears. Harry was staring blindly into the dying fire in the grate. 'When are they gonna get here?' he asked suddenly, breaking out of his reverie.

'I don't know. Can't be much longer now,' Hermione said. Ron just yawned again. Just then, the portrait swung open and the twins entered the common room. They were ashen faced and slightly damp, with a mildewy smell surrounding them.

'What the _hell _happened to you?' Ron yelped, waking up a little.

'You look like you just had to help the giant squid go to the loo,' observed Harry, looking them up and down.

'I still say you deserved it,' Hermione said matter of factly, setting Crookshanks down on the floor.

The boys turned to glare at her. 'I'm not saying he didn't deserve it, I'm just saying that it was extremely foolish, and, well, kind of pathetic.'

'Pathetic?' the twins chorused indignantly.

'Actually, I see her point. I mean, shampoo?' Ron shrugged. 'There's a million things to make fun of Snape for, and you chose his hair?'

'Well it clearly bugged him!' George pouted. 'I mean, look at us! Look what he made us do in detention!'

'He would have done that whatever you did, let's face it,' Harry said wisely, stifling a yawn of his own.

Nodding, Harry, Ron and Hermione headed off to their dormitories. Fred and George were left alone in the common room. 'It wasn't pathetic, was it?' Fred asked his twin.

'No, it was hilarious,' George confirmed. 'Not sure if it was entirely worth it though,' he commented, looking down at his slimy robes.

* * *

_175. I will not tell first years that the best way to study is to stay up all night balancing your textbook on your head, as gravity will cause the information to sink through the skull and into the brain._

'I'm sorry to be so hard on you, first years, but these test scores are just abysmal!' McGonagall announced to her class. 'You're usually such a good class, you've never handed in anything this bad!'

The class sat in their hard chairs, shamefacedly. They were a bright class, and had never done so badly before. They had studied hard, too.

McGonagall sighed. 'I mean, did you study at all, children? I know we didn't cover this extensively in class, but I thought you could cope…'

'We did study!' a young boy piped up defensively. 'For hours!'

'How?' McGonagall asked incredulously.

'Well, we were talking to some seniors, and they gave us their secret study method!' a girl said, shrugging. Some of her classmates shushed her.

'They told us not to tell!' her neighbour hissed.

'Who told you not to tell what?' McGonagall said, suspiciously.

'Well, now she's gone and said something anyway,' the defensive boy sighed, 'we might as well tell you.'

'It was those twins, in Gryffindor,' the girl said. 'The Weasleys?'

'The Weasleys. Of course,' McGonagall said through gritted teeth. 'What did they tell you to do?'

'They told us that if we balanced our textbooks on our heads, gravity – plus the magic in the air – would cause the information to sink into our brains. They said that's how they got their nine outstanding OWLs.'

'Nine outstanding OWLs my hat,' she muttered, before sending for the twins so she could very clearly read them the riot act for corrupting her first years.

* * *

_177. I will not use magic to change test questions into those I can answer_

'You are the most diabolical students this school has ever educated!' McGonagall shrieked in a high pitched voice.

'Really?' Fred and George chorused, grins plastered on their faces.

'You are merely third year students-' she began, still yelling.

'_Merely_?' the twins wailed.

'-Yet you apparently are such adept students that you got 100% on every exam you sat?' she swept her hair out of her face; it was falling down from its tight bun in her anger.

'Why is that so hard to believe?' Fred asked, pouting.

'Because all the questions were like 'How many Weasley children are there?' and 'What is Harry Potter's full name?'' she hissed, her face inches from theirs.

'Oh come on, it made you laugh!' George said jovially.

McGonagall sputtered nonsensically for a moment before falling silent. 'I don't know what to do with you!' she wailed.

'Well, this might cheer you up,' Fred said, reaching into his schoolbag.

'Yeah, we had an inkling you might react like this,' George shrugged.

'So we did the real exams too, just to perk you up a bit,' Fred said, handing the stack of papers to her.

'You did – you did the real ones too?' she said weakly, accepting the messy bunch of papers.

'Yep. We're now officially brilliant students, right?'

'Not quite…' she sighed, looking mournfully over their dreadful exam papers.

* * *

_178. The proper way to report to my Teacher is "Yes, Sir" not "You can't prove a thing!"_

'Twins,' McGonagall addressed them coldly. 'You are by far the most troublesome students I have ever taught.'

'Thank you, professor!'

'Wow, what compliments!'

'I have, sadly, grown used to the numerous occasions you are sent to me every week,' she continued, eyeballing them.

'We love you too, professor,' George smiled.

'But never before have I had so many complaints, from so many different teachers, about the same thing.'

'Really?' Fred asked brightly.

'Hey, that's two records we've broken now!' George smiled.

'You _cannot _address teachers with the words…' she consulted her notes, ''you can't prove a thing!' It's simply unacceptable! And it will cease forthwith!'

'Aw, if you say so, Prof!' George grinned.

'Yeah, we'll stop just for you, Professor M.'

McGonagall stared down at the twins, before dropping her head onto her desk. 'Just go,' said, her voice muffled by the desk.

'Righto,' they said together. 'Seeya tomorrow!'

'I have no doubt…' she muttered thickly.

* * *

_180. When I see Professor Umbridge, I will not say, "There you are, Trevor. Neville has been looking all over for you."_

Filch leered at the twins happily. 'Professor Umbridge was very upset when she told me you would be serving detentions with me tonight,' he said, clutching Mrs Norris in his gnarly hands. 'She seemed fraught. What did you nasty little twins do this time?'

The twins looked up from their task; peeling toads for Snape's stores. They raised their eyebrows simultaneously, before returning to their frankly disgusting job.

'Did you cheek her in class? You're always doing that..' he muttered. 'Did you coerce Peeves into dropping something on her? Nasty, attention seeking pupils.'

'No, Filch, don't be silly,' Fred said without looking up.

'We don't repeat pranks,' George said dully, eyes fixed on his toad.

'Well what was it then?' he sneered.

'She didn't tell you?' Fred asked, eyes gleaming,

'She must have realised the amount of truth in the statement,' George grinned, nudging his twin.

'Hey! Get off, you're…squelchy,' Fred said, wrinkling his freckly nose.

'Sorry mate,' George grinned.

'Hey!' Filch snapped his fingers. 'What did you do?' he demanded, brow furrowed, eyes glinting madly.

'We said to her,' Fred began.

'There you are, Trevor,' George continued.

'Neville has been looking all over for you!' they finished in unison, beaming.

'Eh?' Filch said, scratching Mrs Norris behind the ears. 'Who?'

'Well it's not fun if you don't get the reference…' George mumbled. Filch snorted disgustedly, and the twins returned, downheartedly, to their toad-peeling activities. 'At least the punishment fits,' Fred whispered to George, nudging him.

'Eugh! Look who's squelchy now!'

* * *

A/N: I hope you enjoyed! Sorry it's taken so long for me to get this chapter up. School, as ever, is filling up every second of my time. But reviews are cheery bright spots in all the endless toil, so feel free to make my day and leave me plenty of them!


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: See chapter one.

A/N: Sorry sorry sorry about the massive wait, but it's been all go on the schoolwork front, hence not a lot of time for writing. But I managed to get this chapter out in between studying The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie, and the various ways in which a corrie is formed.

This is another reader's suggestions chapter. I have of course added the complete list of new suggestions to the list at the end. As always, if you have any good ones, let me know and I'll try and include them! Please review, and as always, enjoy. Thank you garden gnomes unite, and Lilly-Feather1001 for their suggestions. Hey, we're up to 200 now!

* * *

_182. Harry Potter is not my 'Protection Shield' to carry around to ward off evil._

'Fred, George, you're doing my bloody head in!' Harry said wearily one night in the common room, after just accompanying them to the toilet.

'What have we done?' Fred asked, shocked.

'Pray tell, Harry?' George said, wide eyed with innocence.

'It's your own fault,' Ron interjected to Harry, joining the group.

'If you didn't keep rising to the bait…' Hermione sighed, closing her book and joining her friends.

'How can I not?' Harry huffed. 'They keep sending me on pseudo errands and trips to see teachers! How do I know if it's not genuine?'

'Aw, Harry, it's probably never going to be genuine,' Fred laughed, elbowing Harry friendlily.

'And then they come with me,' Harry continued, batting Fred away, 'and tell whomever we meet that I'm their protection shield!'

'Well, there are a lot of people out to get us!' George insisted. 'You have this aura of fear about you that's really suitable for us!'

Harry glared at him.

'Alright, alright, we'll stop!' Fred said, holding his hands up. 'Don't give us that scary You Know Who death defying gaze. No harm, no foul.'

'Lots of harm _and_ foul, actually,' Harry said, his tone turning amused. 'Snape complained that I was coming to see him too often, and McGonagall wants to see you now.'

* * *

_185. I will not tell McGonagall that she is bad luck because she can turn into a cat._

McGonagall looked at all the paraphernalia that the Weasley twins had placed in front of her; books, papers, lengthy dissertations, inanimate muggle pictures, as well as moving wizard ones. She listened to them preach on and on, and on, and on, about something so utterly nonsensical she'd tuned out after five minutes. She sensed them closing their speech, and slowly tuned back in.

'And that, professor, is why we think we're failing!' they said in unison.

McGonagall sighed. 'You think you're failing because my animagi form is a cat, which in some cultures is considered unlucky?'

The twins nodded fervently. 'It's the only explanation we could think of, Professor,' they said gravely.

McGonagall regarded the troublemakers, before shaking her head sadly.

'And the option that you just don't do the work seemed impossible to you?'

'Entirely,' they said, shrugging.

'Fine,' she sighed. 'Fine. I'm unlucky. Go away.'

The twins traipsed out of her office/ 'Did that work?' George whispered as they made their way back to the common room.

'I think it might have!' Fred beamed, blissfully unaware of the letter which was winging its way to their mother as they spoke.

* * *

_188. I won't sign my homework as 'Snaperdoodle'_

'We've talked about this before, boys,' Professor Sprout said pointedly.

'Yes we have, professor,' the twins said seriously.

Sprout considered punishing them for their newest misdeed, but found she was unable to muster the seriousness needed to reprimand the Weasley twins. It required certain finesse, and nerves of steel. She was far too tired. She would just leave it, she thought.

'Report to McGonagall,' she told them, before bustling out of the greenhouse and up to the school, leaving the crestfallen twins behind her.

_190. I will not hand out slips of papers asking students to answer the following question: Do you think Snape is evil?_

'What does the ballot say then?' Fred asked his twin. 'Do we have an officially evil teacher?'

'I would say so,' George answered. '99% of the student population finds him irrefutably evil.'

'What's the other 1% then?' Hermione asked, sitting down at the table the twins had covered in their ballot papers.

'They just find him pretty nasty,' George supplied.

'Hang on, how many people did you ask?' Harry wondered aloud, grabbing a chair and sitting next to Hermione.

'About two hundred,' Fred said proudly. 'From all different year groups!'

'Yeah but did you hand any out to Slytherins?' Ron asked, pushing a first year out of an occupied chair from the next table, and plonking himself down on it, next to Fred.

'Um…yes?' George tried futilely.

'So it's not accurate,' Hermione stated.

'Which means your whole 'funny experiment,' Harry made air quotes with his hands, 'was totally useless.'

'Aw, come on!' Fred wailed. 'That's not fair!'

Harry smiled at the twins. 'There was barely any point anyway, we all knew he was evil.'

Ron shuffled through the papers on the table. 'Who said he was only mildly nasty?' he asked, trying to find the paper.

'That would be me,' a cold voice said from the entrance to the common room.

'Snape,' the twins sighed in unison.

'With McGonagall right behind him,' Snape said coolly. 'Please come with me boys,' he said, before sweeping out of the common room. The twins followed dejectedly.

'How'd he get his hands on a ballot paper anyway?' Harry mused.

Ron blushed horribly. Harry raised his eyebrows. 'It was to pay them back for that 'hug a Slytherin day!'

* * *

_192. I will not tell the first years, who are waiting to be sorted, that in order to be sorted, you must confess your deepest secrets aloud while wearing the hat._

Fred and George sat patiently in McGonagall's office.

'Think we've broken our record this year?' Fred nudged his twin.

'For what? The earliest point we can be inside McGonagall's office in the school year?' George answered mildly.

'Well, yeah. I would say just after sorting has to be a contender.'

'You know what grates my cheese?' Fred said irately.

'That we still haven't beaten Harry and Ron?' George nodded fervently. 'There's not much that can beat a flying Ford Anglia and an angry tree though. We could be trying for the rest of our lives.'

Fred smiled, before shushing his twin. 'I can hear McGonagall,' he said.

Sure enough, McGonagall stalked in second later, and took her seat behind her desk.

'So. You thought it would be funny to mislead the first years _yet again?_'

'Well, professor, they're very easy targets!' Fred shrugged. 'We're only human!'

'No, I'm sure you must be _some_ kind of demon…' McGonagall sighed as she scrawled out their punishments yet again.

* * *

_193. The "I Hate Snape" Club is not a valid after-class activity._

'I think you boys know why you're here,' Dumbledore said, his face unsmiling for once.

Fred looked at George. 'Well, we can probably guess,' he said, looking guiltily up at his headmaster's face.

'Boys, slandering a teacher is a very, very big offence,' Dumbledore sighed.

'He's so nasty to us though!' George widened his eyes at Dumbledore.

'Be that as it may, you haven't really given him a chance yet, have you?' Dumbledore said, cleaning his half moon glasses with a handful of robes.

'What do you mean, sir?' Fred asked petulantly. 'He always takes points away from us!'

'He gives us zero marks in class _every day_!' George added.

'And he laughs at our potions!' Fred folded his arms crossly. 'It's just not fair.'

'And it's been going on far too long,' they said in unison.

Dumbledore set the gleaming glasses back on his crooked nose. 'Boys, you've only been in first year for _one week_.'

The twins looked at each other, before turning back to Dumbledore. 'Well, exactly!' they said in unison.

* * *

_194. Making Harry Potter action figures without his permission is wrong._

'OI!' The angry yell rang across the common room like a gunshot.

'Blimey Harry! You nearly gave me a heart attack!' Fred said, massaging his chest.

Harry's eyes widened. He stomped over from his place next to the fire with Ron and Hermione to the stairs where the twins stood.

'Oh I'm ever so sorry, Fred, but perhaps some of the proceeds from your newest business venture can go some way to fixing that!' Harry growled.

'Oh,' Fred said, looking at his twin.

'Rumbled,' George conceded. 'Damn.'

Hermione elbowed Ron, alerting him to the tangible tension, and they both joined their friend in his argument.

'_Harry Potter action figures_?' Harry hissed. 'As if I'm not enough of a freak show already!'

'Steady now, Harry. You're not a freak show!' Fred beamed.

'You're world famous – practically a brand name already!' George added.

'We were planning on giving you ten per cent, if that helps,' Fred shrugged.

'Ten per cent? That's hardly anything!' Hermione scoffed. 'Especially seeing as he's the star!'

'I'm not a bloody star, Hermione!' Harry huffed.

'It doesn't really make a difference anyway,' Ron said indifferently. 'McGonagall found out today and she's not impressed. The words 'will cease forthwith,' and 'those bloody miscreants' were said.'

The group stared at him. 'Why didn't you say before?' Harry said, dumbfounded.

'Forgot I s'pose,' he said, smirking at the twins' expressions of disappointment. Suddenly, something behind Harry caught his eye. 'Oh bugger, the first years have nicked our chairs!'

* * *

_196. I will not charm Firenze pink and call him "my little pony."_

'Wha' were you thinkin'?' Hagrid hissed at the twins. 'Centaurs are bloody difficult at the best o' times!'

'For funsies?' George supplied. Hagrid rolled his eyes. 'You're just as well Harry was there to stun 'im before 'e strangled you!'

Fred and George regarded the limp centaur in front of them, as Hagrid poured a potion on top of him, which bubbled and seethed, drenching Hagrid's back garden in the liquid.

'What is a 'my little pony, anyway?' Hagrid asked, tapping his flowered umbrella to Firenze's pink rubber hooves, which slowly returned to their normal shade and texture.

'It's a muggle horse toy…and we though it'd be funny.' George shrugged.

'Didn't think he'd take such offence,' Fred crossed his arms. Hagrid looked up from his task of returning Firenze to his regular palomino state. 'Didn't, didja?' he said sarcastically, as the potion finally sank into the centaur and restored his normal colour. 'He's gonna want to punish you, you know,' he said, inclining his head at Firenze. The brothers groaned twin groans, and huffed back up to the school.

* * *

_199. There is no Interpretive Dance course offered at Hogwarts, and I should stop  
signing up for it every year._

'But it's such a good idea, professor!' the twins exclaimed in unison.

'No, no it's not, Weasleys. It is not, and it never will be, a good idea.' McGonagall, said, her voice muffled by the fact that her head was resting face down on her desk.

'We could teach it!' Fred suggested.

'No you couldn't,' McGonagall countered tiredly. 'And if you don't stop handing out leaflets about it, I'm going to write to your mother.' She sat up. 'Actually, I'm going to do that anyway, so you might as well stop,' she said.

'But come on! Dancing?' Imagine that in battle!' George said wistfully. 'There you are, hexing away… when suddenly! You're sashaying circles around your opponent!'

'It'd totally confuse them, Professor!' Fred agreed happily.

'It's more likely that it would irritate them and then they would kill you,' McGonagall said blandly, reaching for her 'writing to parents' quill.

* * *

200. Yes, the Great Hall is extremely large, but Quidditch is an outside sport.

Dumbledore walked quickly to his desk, his longs robes sweeping behind him, and picked up his pointed hat from where he'd left it. He walked back over to the door and the staircase beyond it. He was late for lunch, and if he didn't get there soon, Professor McGonagall would eat all the chicken again.

He opened the door at the bottom of the staircase and strode down the corridor, only to crash spectacularly with a small boy who was running pell-mell toward him.

Dumbledore reached out to steady the boy. 'What's wrong?' he asked, concerned.

'P-professor McGonagall sent m-me to s-see you, to t-take you down to the h-hall!' he squeaked.

Dumbledore followed the boy anxiously, wondering what would await him.

The doors swung open at his presence, revealing a very peculiar scene. There appeared to be a vicious Quidditch match taking place near the cloudless blue ceiling. Dumbledore paraded along the long house tables, dodging the falling quaffle and one point, and took his place at the staff table.

'Fred and George,' Minerva said by his side.

'How did they convince their team and the Slytherins to play in here?' he asked interestedly.

'I don't know, and frankly, Albus, I don't care. Shall I write home about them?' she asked wearily.

'Hmm, yes, do,' Dumbledore said, helping himself to the last piece of chicken. 'What's the score?' he asked, smiling at McGonagall.

* * *

A/N: Reviews are lovely.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: See chapter one.

A/N: Again, it's been a marathon wait since my last post. But hopefully I'll be able to move a bit quicker now. We're getting into exam season, and I should have some spare time between my exams where I can actually get some stuff posted. I'll be updating this, (as long as everyone keeps sending me suggestions!) as well as Between The Lines, I Wish I May, Sineya, and maybe even Pandora's Box. So take a look at those, please, and I'll update them soon! Again, this chapter is made up of reader suggestions. Thanks to PottersLittleSister and Misty for these.

* * *

_197. I will not "borrow" a prefects' badge for Peeves._

Percy Weasley leaned against the edge of his frothy bubble bath, sipping from a large goblet of pumpkin juice, and smiling coyly at the mermaid in the portrait on the wall. It had been a good day; he'd won the bet with Penelope, his house was in the lead for the house cup, and he'd managed to give out four detentions.

He sighed contentedly and closed his eyes, blocking out the lovely view of the marble prefects' bathroom. Suddenly, there was a boom. His eyes flew open, and he swung around to face the door, swallowing a lot of pink froth that tasted like candyfloss in the process. The door lay open, and floating several feet above the ground, was Peeves the poltergeist.

'Peeves!' Percy squealed indignantly. 'You're not allowed in here! Prefects only!'

He frowned momentarily. 'Plus, I'm in here! Go away!'

Peeves beamed his sinister smile at him, swooping towards him so they were nose to nose. Percy suddenly became very aware that he wasn't wearing any clothes.

'Peevesy got himself a wee badgey, didn't he? A shiny badge that says I am allowed in here!'

He puffed out his chest where a gleaming Gryffindor Prefect badge was pinned.

'What – how? Wait, that's mine!' Percy yelped, leaping out of the bath, forgetting his nakedness for a moment. He squawked a loud profanity as he realised his blunder and grabbed a towel.

'Yes, Gred and Forge, the masters of Gryffindor! Peeves cackled.

'Gred? Fred and George?' Percy fumed. 'I am going to _kill_ them!' he began to stalk out of the bathroom, before he turned around. 'And give me back my badge!'

* * *

_210. I will not tell first years Fang is a hell hound._

'Oh, hello Fang!' Harry laughed as the great black boarhound leapt towards him, covering him in muddy paw prints. Ron roared with laughter as Fang swept his cold, wet tongue all over Harry's face, but stopped short when Fang turned his attention to him, and gave him the same treatment. Chuckling at the two soggy boys, Hermione quickly drew her wand and muttered 'Scourgify!'

'Thanks, Hermione!' Harry grinned. They had been sitting in the shade of the great beech tree in the grounds when Fang had bounded over to them as he and Hagrid went about his game keeping duties.

'Sorry abou' tha'!' Hagrid called, walking towards them and joining them on the ground. 'He's a bit overexcited today.'

'He's overexcited everyday,' Ron grumbled, feeling his face for any saliva residue. Harry patted Fang heartily on his furry brow.

'_NOOOO!!_' A small group of out of breath first years skidded towards them, all screaming at the top of their lungs. 'Stay away from the dog!'

'Eh?' Hagrid said, frowning behind his bushy beard. 'Why? I mean, he's a bit slobbery, bu' apar' from tha'…'

Ron, Hermione and Harry stared up at the fearful first years.

'It's a – a hellhound!' one of them finally said, looking as though he was about to faint.

Ron, Hermione and Harry looked at Fang, who was busily licking chapter fourteen of the Standard Book Of Spells, grade two, which Hermione had brought out for revision.

Finally, Ron spoke. 'You haven't met a pair of twins that look a bit like me recently, have you?'

* * *

_211. I will not post notices in common rooms saying that tomorrow is a theme day, wear a costume. Even if it may be vegetable day._

The staff sat in stunned silence at the top table. Even Snape's usual sneer had been replaced with an expression of sheer bewilderment. Hagrid's mouth hung open, and Flitwick had toppled off his tall chair in surprise. He was now being helped up again by an equally shocked Professor Sinistra. McGonagall sat, stunned, next to Dumbledore who was surveying the scene with a surprised half smile playing on his wizened features.

Every single student that had arrived in the Great Hall for breakfast that morning, had arrived in costume. The running theme was obviously vegetables, as the staff clocked a large Ravenclaw turnip, several Hufflepuff pea pods, a pair of Gryffindor carrots, and even a few Slytherin onions, who looked very angry, and seemed to have had their costumes charmed onto them. They were proving impossible to get off, too. As more students streamed in, the staff saw cucumbers, peppers, cauliflowers, one large, red cabbage, several lettuces, many tomatoes, (who all seemed to be defending their costumes from onlookers who deemed the tomato a fruit) broccoli, lots of mushrooms, and at least six or seven individual cloves of garlic.

Dumbledore leaned over to McGonagall, who was looking severe, and whispered; 'This is why I took the job of headmaster, you know.'

She raised an eyebrow. 'So you could witness Hogwarts students dressed as vegetables?'

Dumbledore chuckled, 'No, so I could see your face looking like that.'

'Shall I reprimand the carrots?' McGonagall asked.

'Fred and George again?' Dumbledore said, peering closely at the pair of carrots who had been of the first to arrive, and saw that they were indeed the Weasley twins, with looks of intense glee upon their identical faces.

'Naturally,' McGonagall sighed as she rose to her feet and headed towards the carrots, whose smiles faded instantly.

'Rumbled,' Dumbledore heard one of them sigh to the other.

* * *

_221. I am not allowed to organize a witch burning, even if I have been assigned to do a presentation on Muggle history in my Muggle Studies class._

'Though I appreciate the enthusiasm to which you two are finally showing a subject…' McGonagall trailed off, unable to finish the thought.

'Well, we really connected with the subject matter, Professor,' George said, his twin nodding fervently.

'Yes, well, connected to the subject you may be, but your common sense connection has definitely come loose.' She drummed her fingers on the desk.

'How so?' Fred asked, plastering a look of surprise on his freckled face, mirroring George's.

'Professor Burbage says here,' she unfurled the scroll she'd received with the twins' arrival, 'that you convinced a group of fellow students to be bound to a pyre and set alight in your second period class today.' She surveyed the twins over the spectacles. 'Explain.'

'Well…' the twins looked at each other. 'It was Muggle History…and they all agreed.'

'George put flame freezing charms on them and everything!' Fred said brightly.

'Wait,' George said haltingly. 'It was you that was supposed to put the charm on them, not me!'

McGonagall sighed quietly.

'No, it was definitely you,' Fred said vehemently.

'You mean we set a group of students on fire without charming them first?' George asked his twin.

'Um…it looks kind of like it, mate,' Fred shrugged.

'Alright Professor. Throw at us what you will,' George said, placing his hands behind his head and leaning back on the chair. 'Even we'll admit we kind of deserve it this time.'

'Kind of?' McGonagall muttered darkly, already writing out their punishments.

* * *

_223. I will not attempt to confuse Crabbe and Goyle by calling them by each other's names._

'Look Fred, look who it is!' George yelled to his twin as they ran through the lower levels of the school, following McGonagall's rampaging desks. Fred turned to face where George had pointed. 'Excellent. Haven't seen them in years.' The twins slowed down. 'Once more for old times' sake?'

'Oh I think so, brother.'

Ignoring the chaos reigning elsewhere in the school, Fred and George ambled over to where the two brutes were standing, scheming.

Punching Crabbe on the arm, Fred said jovially; 'Hiya, Goyle!'

Goyle turned to face Fred, looking wary. 'What d'you want, blood-traitor?'

'Oh nothing, Crabbe, we just wanted to catch up, it's been so long!'

Crabbe frowned slightly. 'Shouldn't you be off dying with your mudblood friends?'

George looked Crabbe full in the face and said 'oh, no, Goyle, watch that language!'

'What?' Goyle said, looking completely perplexed.

'You alright, Crabbe?' You look like you're in pain!' Fred said, patting Goyle on the arm. 'Want to go to the Hospital Wing? If it's still standing.'

'I'm _Goyle_!' Goyle wailed, confusion getting the better of him.

At that moment, McGonagall rushed past with her squadron of feral desks again.

'Fred, George, if we were not in the middle of a war I would give you lines for that! Now go to the grounds and help Lupin!' Her berating voice was drowned out by some great part of the castle collapsing.

'Alright, needs must, fellas,' George said, smiling blithely at the hulking men before him.

'Oh!' Fred said, as they began to walk away. 'Forgot this!'

'Stupefy!' the twins cried, wands pointed at each of them, and they fell like rag dolls.

* * *

_227. I will not tell the Ravenclaws that they're basically useless because Hogwarts' smartest student is in another house._

Dumbledore sighed as he sat in his desk chair, opposite the Weasley twins for what felt like the millionth time.

'You were taunting a group of Ravenclaws, I believe?'

Fred and George looked at each other. 'That's right, Professor.'

'And it would be about this time that the group of Ravenclaws transfigured your ears into kumquats?'

'About that time, yes,' George nodded seriously.

'Didn't it cross your minds to bring Hogwarts' smartest student with you when teasing Hogwarts' smartest house?' Dumbledore asked, smiling not unkindly.

The twins looked at each other. 'No, actually, Professor, that never occurred to us!' Fred exclaimed slowly.

George looked Dumbledore in the eye. 'You don't fancy joining our gang, do you Professor? We could use a brain like yours.'

Dumbledore grinned. 'I think that might be considered inappropriate. But I thank you kindly for the opportunity.' The twins beamed back at him and left the office, punishment free; though still with kumquats for ears.

'Oh, and I'd ask Miss Granger to look at those!' Dumbledore all to their retreating backs,

* * *

_228. It is not appropriate trade first years between houses._

'What were you thinking?' exclaimed Ron as the twins traipsed into the common room. It was late; the room was empty except for Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Lee Jordan.

'Only that we'd not done anything funny for a while, Ronnikins,' George sighed as he plonked himself down on the couch beside Harry, who had been in the process of unwrapping a chocolate frog, which took Harry's moment of distraction to leap out of his hands and onto George's lap, who promptly picked it up and stuffed it into his mouth.

'Great, I'm staving, any more of those?' George asked Harry, his voice muffled by the chocolate he was still munching on.

'Not for you,' Harry muttered, disgruntled, as he peered at the card his stolen frog had come with. 'Hmm…**Cliodna,** Celtic Irish goddess of beauty, the eldest daughter of the last Druid of Ireland. Do I already have her?'

'_I_ do,' said George. 'You can keep her.'

'_Anyway_,' Ron said urgently. 'You tried to trade first years between houses?'

'Well, yeah,' said Fred, while Lee roared with laughter. 'We tried to weed out any - well – _weedy_ Gryffindor, and we tried to send them to Slytherin. But it didn't really work out.'

'What, because they couldn't get into the Slytherin Common rooms, or because they'd already been mystically place in this house?' Hermione asked sarcastically, closing the heavy book she'd been reading.

'No, actually, it was because Slytherin didn't want them. Like I say, we didn't really think it through.'

Lee grinned. 'So what was your detention?'

''Re-cataloguing every misdeed we've done in the halls of Hogwarts for McGonagall, without magic.' Fred sighed.

'Well that's not so bad,' Hermione said, slightly crossly.

'Don't worry, Hermione, we're getting our dues,' Fred shrugged.

'Yeah, you forget how many rules we've broken,' George agreed. 'We'll be doing it for the rest of our lives.'

* * *

229. I will not tell first years that "any true wizard or witch" can see Thestrals, and that if they can't they "obviously aren't cut out for this school".

Fred and George met Hagrid outside his hut, late on the night of the second of September.

'First day back and detention already, eh boys?' Hagrid asked amiably.

'Yep,' Fred shrugged. 'It's still not beating Harry and Ron.'

'Can't win at everything, 'Hagrid said darkly. 'What'd yeh do then?'

'Told your new first years that if they couldn't see thestrals they weren't truly magical,' George said blandly.

'Yeh did wha'?' Hagrid exclaimed. 'Tha's terrible!'

'Nah, it's not. McGonagall set them straight just as soon as we'd done it,' Fred said.

'Yeah, no harm no foul,' George agreed.

'Well, I suppose McGonagall was havin' a right laugh when she set yeh's this detention!' Hagrid chuckled. 'I don't s'pose either o' yeh two can see thestrals, can yeh?'

'Um, no, actually, we can't,' Fred said slowly. 'Why?'

'Cause you're helpin' me train up some new 'uns tonight!' Hagrid said gleefully.

'What' George said warily. 'We're to help you train thing we can't see?'

'Yep,' Hagrid beamed. 'Ironic, eh?'

'How?' Fred pleaded.

'Ah, yeh'll just have to sit on 'em and direct them to areas o' the gorund, until they get the hang o' following orders,' Hargis shrugged. 'I'd do it meself, but they can't take me weight.'

'We have to climb onto invisible horses and have them fly us around the grounds? And they aren't yet trained to get us there safely?' Fred whimpered.

'Joy,' George sighed, as they followed Hagrid into the dark forest.

* * *

_238. Bungee jumping off the astronomy tower is against the rules, even if it isn't written anywhere._

'Professor Sinistra tells me she nearly had a heart attack when she saw you two throw yourselves off the tower,' McGonagall said darkly. 'And the students who saw you from the grounds were equally as shocked.'

'Yeah, we heard, didn't one first year faint?' Fred asked eagerly.

'That,' said McGonagall, 'is beside the point.'

'Throw at us whatever punishments you will, Professor, but we checked the school rules pretty thoroughly beforehand, and nowhere did it say that bungee jumping off the tallest tower wasn't allowed.'

'The school rules allow for some common sense, you know,' McGonagall said tiredly. 'otherwise the rule book would be a mile wide.'

'Actually it is pretty thick,' Fred said, George nodding fervently.

'Took us a good long while reading it before we realised there was an index.'

'You know, if you two put half as much energy into studying…' McGonagall sighed. She'd uttered this phrase who knew how many times before and it had had absolutely no effect on the rule breaking twins.

'Yeah, yeah, we'd be the new Hermione twins, we get it,' Fred grinned.

McGonagall shook her head and wrote them out their punishment; lines. Which they would take back to their common room and no doubt would find what she'd commanded them to write _hilarious_.

Indeed, as they walked out, McGonagall heard the unfurling of parchment, and the twins muttering to each other; ' 'bungee jumping off the astronomy tower is against the rules, even if it isn't written anywhere?'' They howled with laughter. 'That's brilliant!'

* * *

_240. I am not allowed to use the superglue spell to stick Harry and Draco's hands together._

Fred and George sat in their usual spot in the Gryffindor common room, where, at the advice of Ron, they'd convinced Hermione to check over their History of Magic essays before they handed them in to Professor Binns. While she crossed large sections of their essays and rewrote them, the twins, Ron, and Lee Jordan began to play exploding snap.

Suddenly, there was an almighty crash, and the portrait hole swung open noisily, admitting two bickering teenagers, both with their wands drawn, pointed at each other's throats.

'Harry!' Hermione cried, spilling ink all over Fred's essay in surprise. 'What's Malfoy doing in here?'

'Good question, Hermione!' Harry said angrily, never taking his eyes off Malfoy.

'Harry – what?' Ron said, looking more confused than Harry had ever seen him, and Harry had watched him do exams for the past three years.

Harry wrenched the hand not holding his wand into the air, and with it, Malfoy's soared up too.

'_Someone_,' he said venomously, 'thought it'd be funny to stick me and Malfoy together!'

'God, this place is a dump,' Malfoy sneered, looking around the unfamiliar room. 'I don't see why we had to come here anyway, Potter. I wouldn't be caught dead living in here.'

'Maybe I should just curse us apart then, Malfoy, and then we'll see. And where else could we go? Which one of your friends was going to unstick us? Crabbe or Goyle?'

Harry stared meaningfully at Hermione, who jumped to her feet, understanding, produced her wand and said 'Leviso!'

The two released each other gratefully, Harry massaging his hand, and Malfoy disinfecting his with his wand.

'Thank God. Another minute and I would have broken out in hives. Oh, and – I know it was you two. You can expect a letter from my father arriving at the school any day now,' Malfoy drawled, before sweeping from the common room. Harry turned murderously to the twins whom Malfoy had addressed.

'It was you?' he snarled.

'Um…yeah?' Fred said, smiling feebly.

'Lucius Malfoy wont have anything left of you to punish when I'm through with you!' Harry said darkly, before chasing them from the common room, bombarding them with jinxes 'til he'd reduced them both to jelly-like lumps on the fourth floor corridor.

* * *

A/N: Sorry about the chocolate frog card being Cliodna – but I was on a site with a list of all the cards ever mentioned in the books, and when I saw that, I couldn't resist. I hope you enjoyed it, and please, pleasey please, leave a review.


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: See chapter one.

A/N: Sorry for the wait – but here's the new chapter of Things I'm Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts. I hope you read, review, and enjoy. Once again, this chapter is made up of reader suggestions – if you have any more, please send 'em my way. Oh, and to answer a pretty common question, I have no plans to stop writing this fic – as long as I keep getting suggestions. I actually have no idea how long I'll make it – but keep reviewing and I'll write it forever! Thanks to BOOkwOrm92 and Maiky for these entries.

Last but not least, this is chapter is for my oldest sister Sarah, whose birthday it was recently. Sorry for the lateness, Sades! Let me know your thoughts.

Additional A/N: For those of you that care - three of my Buffy Fanfictions were nominated at the Sunnydale Memorial Fanfiction Awards - Sineya, La Cara Verdadera, and Potential. So if you're interested, give them a read, and if you like them - voting opens on August 15th, 2009, and closes September 15th 2009. Please vote for me!

Another A/N: Visit my archive! prettybitchin . webs . com (without the spaces.) Drop by, join up, and read some fantastic fanfictions, from many different fandoms. New fics posted regularly, plus forums and fanart to visit. Have fun!

* * *

_245. I will not swap Draco's broom with one out of Filch's broom cupboard._

Madam Hooch raised the whistle to her lips, and play began. The teams shot into the air, and the crowds cheered wildly. Harry soared above the stadium to look out for the snitch. Oliver was swooping round the goalposts. Alicia, Angelina and Katie were working together as always, throwing the Quaffle around in a high speed chase against the Slytherin chasers. Fred and George nodded to each other and gripped their bats tighter before tearing around the pitch, defending their team mates from the offending Bludgers. Suddenly, Madam Hooch's whistle sounded once more, cutting shrilly into the clear day. The teams returned to the ground, confused, and in Harry's case, annoyed. He'd just caught sight of the snitch.

'What,' Madam Hooch hissed, 'has happened to this boy's broom?'

Both teams turned to look at Malfoy, who was sat astride his broom, both feet resolutely on the ground, stamping and huffing as he willed the broom to take flight.

Fred and George shared a quick, panicked glance.

'OI!' Flint roared, clocking their exchange. 'It was them, Professor! They did something!'

Hooch turned to the twins, while the rest of the Gryffindor team glared mutinously at them.

'You tampered with Draco's broom? _What were you thinking?_'

'Actually, we were thinking that when we 'fixed' the broom…' George began.

'That the lazy git would take it out to practise before the big game.' Fred finished.

Malfoy blushed slightly. 'My Father will be hearing about this! _What did you do to my broom_? Why won't it start?' He scowled at them.

Both teams, Madam Hooch, and the entire student population in the stadium stands of Hogwarts stared at the twins, awaiting the answer.

'Actually, we swapped it,' George shrugged.

'With one of Filch's,' Fred continued.

'You know, for someone who brags about your racing broom all the time, you didn't even notice the difference when you sat on a sweeping broom!' George sniggered. Malfoy glared back at him.

'There will be consequences for this, Weasley,' he said between gritted teeth.

'Yeah, alright,' George said nonchalantly.

'We'll show ourselves to McGonagall's office, shall we?' Fred asked an utterly bemused Madam Hooch, who merely nodded, mutely.

* * *

_247. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord._

'I've got something!' Angelina exclaimed. Trelawney swooped to her side.

'What is it my dear? Do you see any definite shapes?' She adjusted her overlarge spectacles and peered into the crystal ball herself. 'Oh…I see something…'

Angelina sat back in annoyance and allowed Trelawney to take over her desk. Alicia smiled sympathetically. 'All I can see now is about a thousand shawls,' she muttered to herself as some of Trelawney's scarves drooped into her lap.

'I see something…an animal…'

'I see something interesting, Professor,' Alicia said pointing to the back of the classroom, where Fred Weasley was clutching his head in apparent pain. Trelawney abandoned Angelina's crystal ball and hurried over to the twins' table. Angelina's crystal ball lay forgotten on the table, rolled to the edge and landed with a sad thump on the thickly carpeted floor.

'What do you see? What do you see?' Trelawney demanded of Fred. 'The clairvoyant vibrations of my room have clearly allowed your inner eye to see what others cannot!'

Fred gasped, and began to choke out words.

'The – Dark Lord -' he rasped in his best imitation of how Harry described Trelawney's 'prediction voice.'

'Yes? Yes, boy?' Trelawney grabbed the front of his robes.

'Sybil Trelawney and – and the Dark Lord…will fight - as this day draws to – a close…' He took a long, shuddering gasp before falling silent, and still.

Trelawney stood up and straightened her shawls, wrinkling her nose. 'That's not a _real _prophecy,' she said, reminding the twins forcefully of Hermione. 'You just made that up.'

'Well, yes, I suppose you're right, Professor,' George said, shrugging. 'Very astute of you.'

'Not much gets past me, boys,' Professor Trelawney said, in a clipped, cross voice. 'I think lines will be a suitable punishment, yes?' She turned and walked to her desk, where she proceeded to write out a punishment for them.

The twins nodded, confused. 'What did you do to her?' George asked.

'Apparently mentioning You–Know–Who makes her human again…'

* * *

_251. I am not allowed to predict the end of the world more than once_.

'This is the first time Professor Trelawney has sent students to see me you know,' McGonagall surveyed the young twins through her spectacles. 'She usually feels she is above discipline. You two must have really annoyed her. And so early in the year.'

'Yes, this was actually only our fourth lesson with her,' Fred smiled.

'You know how she predicts the death of a student every year?'

McGonagall nodded.

'Well we'd heard about this already from our brothers – so we'd arranged to predict the end of the world just as she was about to say who was going to die.'

McGonagall nodded again. This seemed to her to be perfectly fair.

'And then every period since – we've repeated that prediction.'

Ah. She could see now where the annoyance came in. Still, McGonagall thought, as she, slightly regretfully, wrote out their punishments, the twins were actually quite funny sometimes.

That was one of the last times such a thought ever crossed her mind.

* * *

_253. Regardless of the beautiful irony, I will not hang a tempting piñata from the Whomping Willow._

'You realise that as a matter of student safety, this indiscretion has been put directly to me?' Dumbledore asked, sweeping into his office and taking the seat behind his desk, to face the twins.

'Actually we figured it was more to do with McGonagall being on the verge of a nervous breakdown,' Fred answered blithely.

'No.' The Professor smiled gently. 'So. You fixed a - what was it called?' He adjusted his half moon spectacles and peered at the note on his desk. 'A piñata – to the Whomping Willow.' He looked up at the twins. 'And what were you hoping to achieve, boys?'

'Well, nothing in particular, really.'

'We just though it'd be funny if someone saw it, and tried to have a go.'

'And instead of hitting the piñata, they get walloped by the tree.

'You have to admit, that's some quality irony right there, Professor.'

'Hmm.' Dumbledore looked unconvinced. 'Well, regardless of that, I'm afraid to say your little ruse worked.'

'It did?' they said in unison, beaming.

'Yes. The seven first years that were harmed have been transferred to the hospital wing, where you will be helping, without magic, until they make a full recovery.'

'But the piñata worked?' Fred asked eagerly, to Dumbledore's chagrin.

* * *

_  
254. I will not attempt to graft a transplant from the Whomping Willow onto the Hogwarts Christmas tree in Herbology class._

'I rather thought it was my turn coming up,' said Professor Sprout sagely, from behind the twins. 'You haven't done anything in my classes for some time now.'

'Well, you can have too much of a good thing, Professor,' George shrugged, turning round to face her.

'So, you thought I wouldn't notice you grafting some of the Whomping Willow onto one of Hagrid's sapling Christmas trees in the middle of class?'

'We were more _hoping_ you wouldn't notice really,' Fred said.

'It wouldn't be Christmas at Hogwarts if you two didn't try _something_…' Sprout said as she wrestled the branch of Whomping Willow into a long, thin straitjacket, and carried it out to the Tree where it belonged.

'Did we get away with that?' George nudged his twin.

'Nah – I reckon she'll still punish us – but look!' Fred pointed to a small flailing branch at their feet. 'She left a bit!'

'Let's get to work, brother!' George beamed, reaching down to gingerly grasp the twitching twig, and attempted to attach it to the pine sapling in front of them.

* * *

_257. "Potter 6, Voldemort 0″, is not a valid T-shirt slogan._

The Howler exploded in a shower of ashes on the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall. Three of the four house tables erupted into applause as Fred and George Weasley rose from their seats and bowed low for the cheering students. Only the Slytherin table looked on in stony silence. The Great Hall had just witnessed a Howler from Molly Weasley, reprimanding the twins for wearing T-shirts in Hogsmeade with an unusual slogan on the front. Apparently complaints had winged their way from Hogsmeade to the Weasley's home in Ottery St Catchpole. The T-shirts had been very popular amongst most of the students of Hogwarts – however, it was news to the teachers. Professor McGonagall, stepping in for Dumbledore who was away from the school on business, stepped down from the Teachers' Table and made her way to the Gryffindor table where she stood silently behind the twins until they noticed her presence. Then, still in silence, she led them up to her office where she demanded to see these T-shirts. Upon seeing them, the promptly wrote them out severe punishments to be carried out with Filch. When the twins left, McGonagall wrapped up the T-shirts, and carried them up to Professor Dumbledore's office, where she left them awaiting the headmaster's return. She felt sure he'd appreciate them.

* * *

_262. I am not allowed to sing "Holding Out For A Hero" whenever Harry Potter enters the room._

'It's just the same story with you two every time, isn't it?'

The twins nodded. 'Yes, that's fair,' George said.

'To sing such an _irritating_ song….every time, too…'

'Yes. We feel just awful,' Fred pretended to mop his eyes.

'You've upset more than one person this time too. There were several complaints.'

'We know. And boy, have we learned our lesson.'

'You've not learned any lesson…it'll be the same thing in just a week or so…'

'Oh come on!' Fred exclaimed.

'Not _exactly_ the same! We put a lot of effort in, you know! George nodded.

'I just don't understand why I'm such a target!' Harry said, stopping his pacing and turning to face the twins. 'I save the world _all the time_.'

'Aw, shut up Harry, you sound like McGonagall!' Fred slapped Harry on the back. 'It's nearly _Christmas!_'

'Cheer up!' George added, swinging an arm round Harry's shoulders.

'That hasn't stopped me reporting you both, you know,' Harry said, removing himself from the twins' embrace and prodding them towards the portrait hole, outside of which McGonagall was waiting.

* * *

_266. I will not use muggle hair dye to dye Draco Malfoy's hair red._

'It's something to do with those damn Weasley brothers!' Draco hissed at the Potions Master.

'As succinct as your summary is, Draco, you'll need proof before I can proceed.'

'Just look at their record! That's proof enough!'

'Do not be dramatic, Draco,' Snape said simply, not looking up. 'It is a simple spell to remove it. Just go to Madam Pomfrey.'

'I cannot be seen in public like this!' Draco banged his fist against the tabletop.

'No-one will recognise you,' Snape said calmly.

'Oh yes they will. And besides, I am a fifth year student, Professor, I know how to remove a hair colour changing spell – it hasn't worked!'

'It hasn't?' Snape looked up from the old textbook he was studying. 'Have you tried finite incantem?'

'Yes!' Draco seethed. 'Nothing will penetrate it!'

Snape's eyes narrowed. 'Come over here,' he commanded, beckoning Draco to join him behind the desk. Draco walked round and lowered his head so that Snape could investigate further.

Snape took his wand and tapped the top of Draco's head with it. Nothing happened. '_Specialis revelio!_' he hissed. Again, nothing happened. Snape frowned, and wrinkled his nose as he leaned forward and reluctantly sniffed the boy's hair.

Reeling back, he shooed Draco back round to the other side of the desk. 'Proof enough for me,' he said evenly.

'What?' Draco asked eagerly. 'What did you find?'

'It's muggle hair dye,' Snape raised an eyebrow. 'Only the Weasley twins would think of that.' He began to write out a punishment for the twins.

'How do I get rid of it?'

'Wash it six to eight times with hot water,' Snape said, handing a furious Draco the finished note. 'In the meantime, give this to the twins, would you?'

* * *

_272. I will not tell the first years that it is customary to dye their hair in their house colours for their first day of lessons._

Professor Dumbledore surveyed the group of eleven year olds in front of him, who were all nervously tugging on strands of their hair. There were those with red and gold hair, those with yellow and black, some with blue and bronze, and some especially unhappy ones with silver and green hair.

Dumbledore turned to the students at his right and nodded to them.

'Yes, this is one of your more impressive pranks.'

'Even more impressive than charming Firenze pink?' George asked.

'Yes, better that that,' Dumbledore smiled.

'Better than when we changed the Ravenclaw doorknocker question?'

'That _was_ quite good actually…'

'Or when we sold Firewhisky under the pretence that it was Gryffindor courage?'

'I'd forgotten about that one,' Dumbledore chuckled. 'And yes, better than all of those, I think. Perhaps not quite as good as your vegetable day one. Or when you managed to convince the entire school to dance the time warp.'

'Yeah, that was a good one,' Fred said, smiling nostalgically.

'So what's our punishment, then, Professor?' George asked.

'Hmm, lines, probably. I haven't discussed it with Minerva yet. No doubt she will not have seen the funny side.'

'Doubtful,' George agreed.

'I should probably warn these children against you though,' Dumbledore said conversationally.

'Yes, I suppose you'd better. Professor McGonagall will do it anyway,' Fred sighed, and Dumbledore chuckled again.

* * *

_273. A lightning bolt tattoo is NOT the 'Light Mark'._

'We think your fake galleon idea is really good, Hermione,' Fred said, sidling in beside her where she sat next to the bookshelves in the Room of Requirement. They were waiting for a DA meeting to start and Hermione always liked to read a little before they began.

'Yeah, it was good!' George agreed.

'Thank you,' Hermione said, looking from twin to twin, an slightly wary expression on her face.

'Yeah, only we didn't feel it really identified us as members,' Fred shrugged.

'So we found a spell that would!' George grinned, and both twin bounded to their feet.

'Wait – what are you going to do?' Hermione yelped, scrambling to her feet; panic in her eyes.

'Everyone here?' Fred nudged George.

'Yep – all assembled,' George muttered.

'_Levitas Pannosa!_' They cried in unison, their wands tracing the same jagged shape in the air. Suddenly, the room was filled with yells of pain, and Harry's loud voice commanding silence.

'Fred? George?' Harry called. 'Where are you?'

'Present and correct, oh great leader.' They stepped forward.

'Forgive me if I'm wrong, but did you just put a lightning bolt tattoo on everyone's forehead?' Harry asked incredulously, examining the foreheads of the members of the DA.

'Um, yeah, we did. We figured it'd be a way for people to recognise the people fighting the good fight. Warriors of the light. Order of the Pheonix – the teenage division.'

Silence fell momentarily. 'I kind of like it,' said Harry finally. 'It's nice not to be the only one,' he smiled.

'Oh come on, you cannot be serious!' Hermione said, clearly peeved. '_Finite incantatem!_' she hissed, swirling her wand around the room, removing the tattoos, much to the twins' (and Harry's) chagrin.

'Hermione -' they began to whine in unison, before she cut them off.

'And whilst I can't tell McGonagall about this because – well, because the whole thing's illegal – I can however, write to your mother!'

The twins' faces fell, while the Room, granting Hermione's request, produced a large scroll of parchment and some ink on the nearby desk.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading! Leave a review full of juicy thoughts and feelings please – and whoever leaves the 200th review gets serious brownie points from me!


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: See chapter one.

A/N: Lots of cyber cookies and internet kudos to my wonderful, charming and lovely reviewers! You're all fantastic, and it's really brilliant to hear what you think. On that note, muchos brownie points to DogStar15, my 200th reviewer! Is it too much to ask to make it to 300 this chapter…?

Thanks to whoever nominated my Buffy work at the Sunnydale Memorial Fanfiction Awards! If you'd like to vote for me (you know you want to…) there's a link to my fanfiction archive on my profile page. Then proceed to the 'Contact Me' section and you'll find a link to the Award site. If I win anything (I'm nominated in three categories; Best Fluff, Best Post Series and Best OC) I'll do a special edition double chapter of Things I'm Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts – that's right, 20 rules for Fred and George to break in _one chapter!_ And, while you're at it, have a general nosey at the site – there's some quality fanfictions there, as well as some excellent art. Join up, discuss, and devour all the wonderfulness of fanfiction. Last but not least, this chapter's for Laura, another birthday girl. Once again, I'm latey late late, but Happy Birthday anyway, Laura, and I hope this makes you laugh. These rules were sent in by BOOkOrm92, Maiky, Beloved Dawn and MadCatta. Remember to keep them coming in, or there'll be no rules for the twins to break, and nothing for you to read!

Additional A/N: I have a new Harry Potter fic up, called Stuck On You. A spell goes awry and Ron and Dudley end up literally stuck together. It'll hopefully be around a six-parter - and I'll be updating it regularly, 'cause I'm really in the mood for a new fic. Don't worry, I'm still gonna keep writing this one, but give Stuck On You a go, okay? Read it, review it, and most of all enjoy it!

Oh, and by the way, I desperately need new suggestions for this sent in!

* * *

_217. I will not offer Crabbe and Goyle cupcakes spiked with Veritiserum._

Fred and George were hidden behind a large stone effigy of Uric the Oddball, who was carved surrounded by several scrawny, vulture-like creatures, all of whom had their curved beaks wide open in an unheard, mournful cry. Uric had his stone hands over his stone ears, and his stone mouth was thrown open in a silent scream of fear, and there, inside his large mouth, there were two small _sponge _cupcakes, ready and waiting to be eaten.

Fred and George were both peering out from either side of the statue, keeping watch for the two they waited for. Suddenly, George elbowed Fred hard in the ribs. Fred uttered a muffled expletive, and shuffled over to join his brother at the right hand side of the large sculpture, where they had a clear view of Crabbe and Goyle tarry along the corridor from the Great Hall. Crabbe suddenly gestured towards the twins, and at the look on Goyle's face, they could see that they'd seen the cupcakes. As they grabbed them and stuffed the delicate little cakes into their greedy, salivating mouths, Fred and George leaped out from behind the figure, and landed neatly in front of the pair, just as they gulped down the last mouthfuls.

'Alright, Crabbe, Goyle?' Fred asked amiably.

Crabbe and Goyle looked menacing for about a heartbeat, before their eyes became glazed over, and they stood stupidly in front of the twins.

Fred and George waited until a large group of Ravenclaws began to squeeze past the vast Slytherins, before asking Crabbe when the last bath he'd taken was. The Ravenclaws stopped short and howled with laughter when he's said that it was over a week previously.

'What do you think of Crabbe's haircut, eh, Goyle?' George prompted the larger of the two.

'It's lovely!' Goyle said brightly, before clapping his hands over his mouth.

The twins grinned identical grins as the Ravenclaws inched closer to them, still laughing.

Fred noticed Draco Malfoy striding towards the group with a scowl on his face.

'Hey, Crabbe,' he said slyly, grinning evilly. 'Who do you think will win the Triwizard Tournament?'

'I bet it'll be Potter,' Crabbe said blandly. 'He's good at that stuff.'

Malfoy, overhearing, elbowed his way through the crowd and stomped up the Crabbe.

'_What?_' he hissed. 'You said you thought he'd end up 'smooshed.' Those were your actual words, Crabbe!'

'I lied,' Crabbe shrugged.

Fred and George backed away from the centre of the crowd, chuckling, and made a mental note to try that again – until Malfoy caught up with them.

'You wont get away with that, Weasley!' he seethed. 'I know you did something to them!'

'Well, he is right,' Fred said to George.

'And Madam Pomfrey will be able to tell with one quick spell,' George sighed.

'Better go with the man…' Fred surmised, following Malfoy on his way to Professor Snape's office.

'Or, in this case, the scrawny, whiny git…' George rolled his eyes.

* * *

_222. All's fair in love and war" is not an official rule of Hogwarts_

'What's up with the old girl this time, then?' Fred said in mock exasperation, as he and George sat down on his usual chair in Dumbledore's office.

The headmaster raised an eyebrow.

'I mean, what urged Professor McGonagall to send us to see our esteemed Headmaster?' he hastily amended.

'She saw fit to alert me to the fact that each and every one of Hogwarts' many rulebooks have been rectified to include rule 2,777; 'All's fair in love and war.' Professor McGonagall feels certain that you two are behind this and would like me to make affirmative action,' Dumbledore said softly.

'You mean she doesn't even have any proof?' George said indignantly.

'She has a large backlog of misdemeanours that seem to prove that this is, well, your _style_, boys,' Dumbledore chuckled.

'Well, okay,' Fred nodded reluctantly. 'But we're pretty loyal to this one. We reckon it's a great rule and should be implemented.'

'Yeah, we've also started saying it to our teachers whenever they try to blame us for anything.' George grinned.

'Works like a charm, actually,' Fred said nonchalantly. 'They started accepting it as soon as we stuck it in the rulebook – which was a fantastic idea of my brother here,' he nudged George, who beamed in mock modesty.

'It was trickier that you'd think,' George said impressively. 'There's this whole ritual.'

'Yes, yes, boys,' Dumbledore held up a hand, signalling them to fall silent. 'I'm sure you put a lot of effort into this – as you do with every prank, I must say.'

'Well, if you want to go down as legend, you gotta put in the legwork,' Fred sighed.

'Yeah, you get that, Sir, don't you? I mean, that whole '12 Uses of Dragon's Blood' thing, that can't have been easy,' George said, leaning forward and addressing Dumbledore earnestly.

'Maybe not as hard as changing the question on the Ravenclaw doorknocker,' Fred said idly. 'But a challenge all the same.'

'Quite,' Dumbledore attempted to look serious, but a dry chuckle escaped his throat, making the twins beam.

'Still, no matter how impressive – or indeed 'legendary' your pranks…you still require punishment for them,' he said, pushing his spectacles further up on his nose, and looking at the notes in front of him. 'And I don't think I'm really the authority to assign you punishments.'

'Why not, Professor?' George said, frowning slightly.

'I find some – and I stress _some _– of your pranks too amusing to be of much help in the disciplining part of lecturing students…'

Fred and George grinned again.

'So I'm going to assign your punishments to be decided by Professor -'

'I bet he says McGonagall,' Fred whispered to George, who nodded.

'She's tapped out when it comes to interesting punishments – it'll be no fun with her.'

'Professor Snape,' Dumbledore finished.

'What?' The twins screeched in unison.

'I imagine he'll be _plenty_ inventive,' the Headmaster chortled as he waved the twins from his office.

* * *

_265. No matter how cool it sounds I will not release pixies into the school - it will just end badly._

'But, Professor, we were just following a teacher's lead!' Fred said plaintively to McGonagall, who was looking murderous.

'Fred, George, out of _all the Professors_ in the _school_…you had to choose _his_ lead to follow?'

'What's wrong with Lockhart?' George piped up.

McGonagall narrowed her eyes. 'Don't start that innocent act with me.'

'Honest, Professor, we thought we were doing good work!' Fred shrugged, smiling blandly.

'Why don't you ever follow _my_ lead?' McGonagall asked lamentingly. 'Or Professor Flitwick's, or Professor Dumbledore's?'

'Well, you three never do anything funny,' Fred explained seriously.

'Well, isn't Gilderoy just a shining example then,' McGonagall muttered under her breath. 'He's definitely the best Professor in Hogwarts at _acting the fool_…'

'Anyway, no students got hurt, so what's the problem, really?' George raised his eyebrows. 'I think you just enjoy giving us inventive punishments, Professor.'

'They aren't half as inventive as your bizarre pranks,' McGonagall said, reaching for parchment to write out their punishments. 'And for your information, no students were hurt _per se_, but several pixies did lift Argus Filch up and fly him to the top of a pine tree at the edge of the forest.' She raised an eyebrow, unimpressed at their less-than-sympathetic reaction.

Fred and George's teeth clamped on their lower lips to try and stifle their laughter. 'Are you kidding, Professor?' Fred said, his voice shaking with suppressed giggles. 'We thought the worst that had happened was that they ripped some first years' trousers off!'

* * *

_267. It is not a good idea to charm the furniture in the potions classroom to be pink and fluffy._

'Well _I_ thought it was hilarious!' Ron said, beaming.

'So did I, actually,' Harry grinned.

'Well I didn't!' Neville whimpered. 'At least if that cauldron had been made of metal instead of fluff it would have been much harder to make it burst into flames!'

'That added extra comic effect, mate!' Dean chimed in, clapping Neville on the back.

'Yeah, but it got _me_ into more trouble!' Neville said sadly.

'I thought it was rather good,' Hermione giggled. 'Especially when Snape started throwing the furniture around in fury, and it just kept bouncing off the walls…'

'When will they be back, do you think?' Seamus asked eagerly.

'It's a detention with Snape, remember – we could be here 'til next week,' Parvati said wisely.

'That's true,' Lavender mused. 'But we have to wait up for them – this definitely deserves recognition.

'I just loved the expression on McGonagall's face when she walked in – she looked like she was about to throw up!' Dean chuckled.

'You know McGonagall though – she's probably never worn pink in her life!' Ron guffawed.

'Or anything fluffy,' Harry added sagely.

'I have never seen Snape that mad,' Parvati said in awe. 'It was fantastic.'

'Wish we could have been there!' Angelina said enviously, as she joined the third years next to the fireplace.

'Yeah, why did they choose to do it while you all had potions?' Alicia asked, sitting next to Angelina.

'He owed me one. That whole muggle insurance policy thing,' Harry laughed. 'It was a very good payback.'

'I'll say!' Katie grinned, perching on the edge of the sofa. 'I was on an errand in the dungeons when it happened – I heard his roar of wrath!'

'I think it broke the sound barrier,' Hermione added, chuckling.

'Look – there they are!' Lavender said, pointing toward the portrait hole, where Fred and George stood, exhausted, but clearly triumphant. Wordlessly, the inhabitants of the common room rose simultaneously to their feet and began clapping and cheering.

'That might have been the best one yet,' Fred said quietly to George, as they accepted the large Gryffindor flags that were placed around their necks like capes.

'Ah, just wait 'til they see what we've got planned next!' George grinned at his brother.

* * *

_275. There is no annual 'Dress Like Dumbledore' day._

'This one we did 'specially for you, Professor Dumbledore!'

Dumbledore looked up from the conversation he'd been engrossed in with Professor Sprout, and glanced around the virtually empty Great Hall. It was breakfast time on a Saturday morning, and no students were there yet.

Suddenly, the great doors opened, and the first students of the day trickled in. As Dumbledore gazed, waiting to see what would happen this time, there were several loud popping noises, as every student who'd entered the hall sprouted long, white beards. He watched as their hair grew in length and faded to white. His eyes widened as their weekend clothes merged into long, sweeping, midnight blue robes. The pupils who'd been transformed all began to shriek as they realised what had happened to them, and several began tugging their beards, only to howl with pain as they realised they were attached.

'You know, this is actually rather sweet,' Dumbledore said conversationally to Professor Sprout, who was gazing open-mouthed, as more and more unsuspecting students crossed the threshold of the Hall, and were transformed into versions of their headmaster. He beamed as the more experienced students began to try '_finite incantatem'_ on each other, only for their beards to grow a little longer.

'You know, that really is extraordinary,' Dumbledore chuckled. 'They must have taken my age line idea and expanded on it.'

Sprout began to giggle a little herself, as the infamous twins leaped across the threshold, and with an impressive flourish, became very convincing copies of their headmaster.

A loud sigh was heard from Dumbledore's right hand side.

'_You_ all might think it's funny,' McGonagall seethed. 'But _I'm_ their head of house! _I_ have to deal with them!'

* * *

_279. I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro._

It was breakfast time on a Saturday morning at Hogwarts, and the Great Hall was unusually loud, because today was the first visit to Hogsmeade of the year. The hall was filled with chatter from the third year students, swapping second-hand stories about Honeydukes, and the Shrieking Shack. Older students were all looking forward to settling down in the Three Broomsticks, or visiting their favourite spots in the village, and Fred and George Weasley could be heard, chattering at the top of their voices about all the devices they were planning to purchase from Zonko's Joke Shop.

'Care to join us for a drink at the Three Broomsticks?' Flitwick said to McGonagall.

'I think I might, yes,' McGonagall smiled thinly. 'What about you, Pomona; Poppy?'

'That sounds lovely,' Madam Pomfrey smiled, and Sprout looked up from her plate of kippers, and nodded happily; her mouth was too full to speak.

Gulping down her mouthful, she turned to Snape. 'What about you, Severus? Fancy a drink in the village?'

'I have a drink right here, Pomona,' Snape said dully, raising the goblet of juice to his lips. 'And I have a lot of work to do today.'

'Suit yourself,' Sprout shrugged. 'Hagrid?'

Just as Hagrid was about to grin and accept the offer, Snape swallowed a mouthful of his drink, and shuddered unpleasantly.

'There's something wrong with my -' he began, before stopping short; his eyes widening. 'Ow. Ow – _OW_!'

'What, Severus, what is it?' Sprout asked, concerned.

'It's not – OW! Not juice!'

Madam Pomfrey reached for the goblet and sniffed it.

'Oh! Oh – it's Skele-Gro!' She exclaimed loudly.

'OW!' Snape said, almost pointedly.

'Oh, yes, of course, you should come up to the Hospital Wing – I can flush this out of your system in a heartbeat. Come on, Severus,' Madam Pomfrey pulled Snape to his feet and led him, still yelling in pain, to the Hospital wing.

'Ow! Ow! OW! _OW!_' he screamed.

'Perhaps it's better if -' Madam Pomfrey pulled out her wand and pointed it at Snape, 'Silencio!'

Snape's mouth still framed the cries of pain, but no sound came from him. He glared mutinously at Madam Pomfrey, who grimaced apologetically. 'Come on, we'll sort you out…'

They left the Great Hall, and only then did the teachers realise that a thick silence had fallen.

Except for two students.

At the Gryffindor table, two redheaded fourth years were trying desperately to muffle their laughter – luckily for McGonagall, who immediately stood up and marched to their seats, and then briskly to her office to await detention and/or disembowelment, they were unsuccessful.

* * *

_  
280. I may not speak Latin in front of the books._

Fred and George traipsed tiredly into the Gryffindor common room. As they ambled over to the fireplace, aiming to flop down on the armchairs for a while before trudging up to bed, they were surprised to see that they chairs were occupied.

'Aw, you waited up!' Fred said, beaming. 'How sweet.'

'Yeah, now move over,' George said, prodding Harry and Ron over so that there was room on the couch for the twins.

'Yes, we wanted to know exactly what it was you'd done this time?' Hermione said, stifling a yawn, and closing the book she's held open on her lap.

'Yeah, you never got a chance to tell us before you had to do the detention,' Harry said, batting Ron away as his head drooped onto his shoulder.

Ron shook himself awake. 'Yeah, and what were you _doing_ that took so long? We're exhausted!'

'_You're_ exhausted!' George raised an eyebrow. '_We're_ the ones that had to spend eight hours re-cataloguing the library!'

'You re-catalogued the whole library in eight hours?' Hermione asked doubtfully, absentmindedly tracing the title of her book with her fingertip.

'No, just the section we happened to…um…burn down.'

'You burned down a section of the library?' Hermione shrieked, suddenly wide awake, grasping her book tightly in her hands. 'Which section?'

'Don't worry, Hermione, just the little section in the east wing about muggle superstition or something.'

'What? I might need that section for muggle studies class!' Hermione wailed, wild eyed. She hugged her closed book closer to herself as if to protect it.

'Don't worry, we managed to get it back to normal eventually,' Fred said, stretching his arms above his head.

'How did you manage that then?' Ron asked, rubbing his tired eyes.

'Started saying random Latin phrases in the stacks. Just to see what would happen,' George shrugged, running his fingers through his hair.

'Did you know what they meant?' Harry asked, throwing some discarded parchment into the dying fire to try and perk it up.

'Not really. We had a phrasebook.'

'Well, what did you say to set the books on fire?' Hermione said crossly, placing her book back on her lap.

'Librum incendere!' the twins said together, before all five of them turned in surprise to Hermione; whose book was suddenly engulfed in merrily dancing flames.

* * *

_284. There is no "open-mic night" at Hogwarts_

'And next, I'll be singing 'A Cauldron Full Of Hot Strong Love!' George bellowed from the podium he and his brother had conjured in the Entrance Hall, which was packed with eagerly listening students.

'It's a Celestina Warbeck number folks, and who doesn't love that bewitching sorceress?' Fred added from George's right hand side. 'Take it away, bro!'

George opened his mouth to wail the first line of the jazzy tune, upon which McGonagall strode into the Entrance Hall.

'I'll take that,' McGonagall snatched away the magic microphone out of George's hands.

'Oh! Our favourite Transfiguration teacher's going to give us a number!' Fred screamed with delight. McGonagall looked around in alarm. 'What?' she said, sounding cowed.

'Yes! McGonagall!' someone from the crowd yelled.

''Sing it, sister!' Another student yelled. McGonagall frowned. Apparently the students assumed that the sheer volume of people in the Hall granted them an air of anonymity that meant their cheers would be impossible to track to a single student. She was sorry to say that the cheerers were correct – she couldn't have told you who was yelling. And still more plaudits came.

'McGonagall, McGonagall!' A few pupils were chanting.

'I will _not_,' McGonagall said coldly, silencing the crowd.

'But it's open-mic night, Professor!' Fred urged her. 'Everyone gets a go!'

'Don't be so infuriating!' McGonagall fumed, and she Vanished the podium and the magic microphone. 'You two, come with me,' she hissed. And the rest of you -' she faltered. 'Just go!'

The twins chuckled as they followed her on their well worn path to her office. They really had rattled her this time.

* * *

_292. Easter in Hogwarts is not to be celebrated by releasing hordes of pink rabbits and making the first years chase them._

'What a charming morning,' Dumbledore said idly, as he and McGonagall took a post-breakfast wander round the grounds of Hogwarts. 'You can really tell it's Springtime now, can't you?'

'Yes,' said McGonagall dryly, 'but you could also tell that by looking at a calendar…'

'Oh Minerva, you must admit, this is a lovely day.' McGonagall rolled her eyes, but Dumbledore carried on oblivious. 'It's sunny, mild, quiet, and delightfully uneventful!' They neared a corner of the castle.

'Oh, don't say that, Albus,' McGonagall said wearily. 'Something's bound to happen now…'

They turned the corner and faced the north side of the castle, and McGonagall's speech trailed off into silence.

'What are -' Dumbledore began to say, pointing at the debacle some way in front of them.

'I think they are -' McGonagall tried and failed to respond.

'Are those _pink rabbits_?' another voice shrieked from behind them. They turned to find a bewildered Professor Sprout gaping at the scene.

'I believe they are, Pomona,' Dumbledore said, surprise evident in his voice.

'Is this some kind of Care of Magical Creatures disaster?' McGonagall said, in an exasperated voice.

'Wha's that about Care o' Magical Creatures?' the friendly voice of Hagrid rang out from somewhere near Sprout. He reached the group, and turned his gaze upon the havoc before them. 'Wha' the ruddy hell's goin' on?' he asked, in an interested tone. 'Are they _pink rabbits_?'

'Yes,' Dumbledore nodded. 'And I think those are some first years chasing them,' he added, scrutinising the scene further.

'Yes, but _why_?' McGonagall said, irked.

'It's Easter, professors!' twin voices sounded out behind them. All four members of the faculty turned, and were unsurprised to see the popular pranksters before them.

'Oh, you are in_ so _much trouble,' McGonagall said with a sort of savage joy.

* * *

_297. I am not the founder of a new religion, in which Snape is the devil and Weasleys are the chosen people and are to lead the followers to the light._

'This one was never going to work, boys,' McGonagall said dryly, as she supervise the twins taking down each and every one of the recruitment posters they pasted up that morning. 'Although I feel I should have expected something like this ever since the combined efforts of your 'I Hate Snape' club, and you trying to found your own Hogwarts House.'

Fred shot George an amused glance, before levitating his brother up to the correct height for removing a particularly large poster on the potions corridor wall.

'Yes, school just seems to be one big power trip for you boys,' McGonagall said idly. 'I'm curious, though, what were your aims with this one? I mean, 'lead the followers into the light?' What's that all about?'

'Well, Professor,' George said, as he landed lightly on the ground, 'it was to be a brand new version of Dumbledore's Army. Or the Order of the Phoenix.'

'Yeah, but instead of worshipping Harry or, well, phoenixes, the followers would be worshipping us.'

'Why Snape?' McGonagall asked, her eyebrows raised.

'Well, we figured You-Know-Who would be too scary and unfamiliar a concept for some of the less enlightened students at our fine school,' Fred explained patiently, as if talking to a child. 'So we used a villain with whom students are accustomed, in order to gain their trust.'

'Yes, you see, you actually ridded the wizarding world of what could have been a very powerful force against evil,' George sighed dramatically. 'But _you_ made us disband.'

'And you say_ we're_ on a power trip…' Fred said sadly.

The twins began to walk towards the next poster, leaving an admonished looking McGonagall in their wake.

* * *

A/N: Anyone catch the Buffy reference, by the way? There was also a reference to Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them too! Let me know if you got them! And even if you didn't, reviews are still very, very much appreciated. 300 reviews would be _amazing_. And remember to vote! Double edition if I win anything!


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: See chapter one.

A/N: Firstly…I won Runner Up for two of my stories at the Sunnydale Memorial Awards! If you want to see the banners, you can check out my website, link on my profile, and if your interested in reading the winning fics, they are Potential, and La Cara Verdadera. Thank you SO much to those who voted, it means a lot. Anyway…my winning Runner Up means that this is a double whammy chapter. Sorry it took so long, but here are twenty new rules for Fred and George to break!

And I'd like to give a massive thank you to Writerz Cramp, who sent me an amazing drawing she did of rule 272! To see the drawing, follow the link on my profile to my fanfiction archive, and go the FanArt page.

Also, one lovely reviewer asked me if she could make a youtube video out of the rules in this fic. I of course, said yes, and because this site won't let me post links, I'll just tell you to check out _MisssMaxxxAttaxxx_ on youtube, and the video is called 50 Things I'm Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts (F&G version).

At this point I'd like to remind you that it has now been over a year since I started posting this fic! Thank you to all those who read it then and are still reading it now – and a special thanks to those who reviewed then and are still reviewing now!

Last but not least, thanks to reviewers Sharlie25 and Bobert who sent me these rules, and keep both the reviews and the suggestions coming in!!

* * *

_306. It is inappropriate to send Binns an invitation to his own memorial service._

'We thought it was about time, Professor,' Fred said gravely.

'It's several decades late, we realise…' George shrugged.

'But here you are.'

Fred handed his History of Magic Professor a thick black envelope. Binns looked at them with an expression of incredulity.

'Oh, how insensitive of us!' George suddenly cried. 'Give me that, Fred.' George grabbed the envelope and opened it, taking out the contents and holding them up for the Professor to read.

'Can't hold it, remember?'

'He can hold chalk,' Fred said defensively.

'So he can…' George looked bemused. 'Wonder why that is.'

'Anyway. It's your funeral!' Fred said happily, turning to Binns once more. 'I mean – it's your funeral,' he said much more sombrely.

'Wait 'til you see what we've planned though, sir,' George grinned excitedly. 'We seriously put the 'fun' in funeral.'

'What's this?' A voice sounded from behind them, and a pale hand whipped the invite away from them.

Snape read the card with a look of deep loathing on his face. 'My office, now,' he said, his voice low.

'Aw, now we'll never get to play quoits with a ghost…' Fred muttered as they followed the potions master away.

* * *

_308. I will not hex the Slytherin's benches to fly around the great hall while they are eating._

Hermione narrowed her eyes.

'What's up with the two of you?' she asked mistrustfully.

Harry looked up from his papers and glanced at the twins. The looked faintly surprised.

'What do you mean, Hermione?' Fred asked.

'What _do_ you mean?' Harry asked, confused. 'They're behaving perfectly normally for once.'

'Well, exactly,' she said. 'You're up to something.'

Ron rolled his eyes. 'Give it up Hermione, and pass us the toast. If they're going to do something, they'll do it, there's nothing you can do about it.'

'Quite the pessimist, little bro,' Fred nudged Ron. 'We have absolutely nothing planned.'

'Except for a little something two weeks on Wednesday,' George amended.

'Oh, yeah, forgot about that!' Fred chuckled. 'You wont want to miss that.'

'I don't buy it,' Hermione said superiorly.

Suddenly, a great throbbing noise echoed around the hall, and the floor began to thrum.

Hermione raised an eyebrow.

'What? This? This is nothing!' Fred laughed nervously.

Harry pointed to the far end of the hall. 'Wow,' he said, sincerely.

'Hey, that's brilliant!' Ron whispered, stunned.

The Slytherin's benches had risen up five, ten, twenty feet into the air and had begun doing formation gliding. The Slytherins were clinging on for dear life, screaming at the top of their lungs.

'What if someone falls off?' Hermione hissed at the twins.

'Good,' Harry and Ron said together. The twins chuckled.

'Relax, Hermione. Water charm, like with the Quaffle in Quidditch. Watch.'

They observed as Malfoy's bench seemed to be becoming more and more erratic, until it finally succeeded in sliding him off the end. He drifted quite slowly through the air, until he landed with a gentle thump on the floor.

'See, he's fine! And we got an excellent breakfast show!' George beamed.

'While your safety measures are commendable,' a voice behind them said, 'you will still need to accompany me to my office. Immediately.'

'Yes Professor Dumbledore,' the twins said together, with identical grimaces on their faces.

* * *

_  
309. Changing the slips that are passed out at the end of term to say, 'Practising magic during the holidays is encouraged, please try to hex at least five muggles' is immature and a really bad idea. _

'Did you really think that would work?' Ron asked his brothers as they tucked into the snacks they'd just bought from the lunch trolley.

'Not really. Didn't figure they'd punish us so severely right at the end of term.'

Harry made a face. 'Courgette,' he shuddered, swallowing the Bertie Bott's Bean in his mouth. 'What're they making you do?'

'Handwrite all the anti-magic notices for next year.'

'Ouch,' Hermione winced. 'That's a lot of writing.'

'We'll get it done somehow,' Fred shrugged.

'We've got lots of experience in this area.'

'So what would you have done if it worked then? Gone out and hexed some muggles?' Harry asked, biting into another bean. 'Ugh! Marmite!'

'You either love it or you hate it,' Ron said automatically.

'Actually,' Fred said, thinking about Harry's question, 'I have no idea what I'd have done.'

'Yeah, we're so used to our pranks not working, we tend not to think them through all the way now,' George said, chuckling.

'Are you kidding? You're pranks always work! How many letters home had mum got this year?' Ron asked.

'Not including the ones about you?' Fred smirked. Ron rolled his eyes.

'Just the ones about the two of you.'

'Seventy-six.'

'And if a letter beats us home about this one…'

'Seventy-seven.'

'Wow. You're going to have an amazing summer with mum…' Ron said, sarcasm dripping.

'Eugh! Salmon! I am _cursed!_' Harry choked.

* * *

_312. Throwing Mrs. Norris at the Whomping Willow is not nice._

'She broke all of her legs.'

'Yes, but why _didn't she die?_'

'Oh that's horrible!'

'It's justified.'

'I heard the tree's more wounded than she is.'

'She's devil spawn!'

'I don't really mind her.'

there was silence for a moment as everyone shot the speaker of these words an exasperated glance, before chatter broke out once more.

'I heard that she clamped onto a branch and was swung up and down forty three times before she let go.'

'How could anyone possibly know that?'

'Well I heard that she tied her tail in a knot round a branch and that's how she survived.'

'That's just silly.'

'I don't think she's a real cat.'

'Oh yeah, she's a dog in a cat suit…'

'Animagus?'

'This is her second brush with death, isn't it?'

'I'm telling you, devil spawn.'

'Wait, here they come!'

Silence fell once more, as Fred and George Weasley stepped into the common room. Then – applause. Long, loud applause.

'Thank you, very much, Gryffindors,' George beamed.

'And don't forget - we do these things for you, and you alone,' Fred said wisely.

'But also, a little for our own enjoyment.'

* * *

_319. I will not throw books at Moaning Myrtle for points._

'So who won, in the end?' Ron asked interestedly. The trio, plus the twins and Lee Jordan were sitting by the fire in the Gryffindor common room, discussing the events of the day.

'Well Lee won, didn't he?' George said grudgingly.

'Yeah, because you wretches all kept playing after we got busted,' Fred grunted.

'What can I say, fellas. I saw an opportunity,' Lee shrugged winningly.

'How come we weren't invited to this game?' Ron griped.

'Because unlike these three, you and Harry actually have feelings?' Hermione suggested without looking up from the essay she was finishing.

Harry was doodling over his Divination homework. 'That's definitely not it.'

'Definitely not,' Ron agreed.

'You were off somewhere. Playing Hogwart's teen detectives again,' Fred shrugged half heartedly.

'Hey, our teen detecting has saved your necks more than once,' Harry said defensively, scrunching up his homework and throwing it into the fire.

''Well, while you're off serving detention or saving the world, I was winning a nice little pile of Galleons. It's a trade off,' Lee said, taking his winnings out and counting them again. 'I beat seventeen other people for this!'

'What'd she make you do anyway?'

'McGonagall?' Fred grimaced. 'She's making us clean every school toilet, every Saturday from now until the end of term.'

'Harsh, considering all we did was through a few books at someone who isn't even alive anymore,' George sighed unhappily. All the boys winced in sympathy, and Hermione rolled her eyes, gathered up her parchment and stalked off to her dormitory, muttering 'Boys!'

* * *

_323. I am not to conjure the words "DRINK ME" onto the vial of any potion in Snape's classroom._

'Fourteen poisoned students,' Professor McGonagall said angrily. 'Fourteen!'

'Well, you say 'poisoned,' but really, does it count?' George quipped.

'Yeah, I mean, we made a couple of them come out in spots, and how many shrank?' Fred nudged his twin.

'Six,' He supplied.

'And we made six shrink. That's not much, really.'

'You also turned five orange!' she hissed, standing up from her desk and pacing her office.

'I thought they looked pretty,' George said dreamily. Fred chuckled.

'I don't understand you boys' vendetta against first years,' McGonagall stand, pausing in the middle of the room to glare at the twins.

'It's just that they're gullible, Professor,' Fred said, shrugging.

'Easy meat,' George agreed, nodding sagely.

McGonagall rolled her eyes. 'Easy meat?' she huffed. 'Let see how easy you find it helping Hagrid look after his Blast Ended Skrewts for a week! I hear they're _very _difficult meat to control…'

'Harsh, Professor,' George frowned, while his brother grimaced unpleasantly.

'This wont have been worth it, mate,' he said as they left the office.

'Definitely not. Shall we get our dragon hide gloves, then?'

* * *

_325. I will not enchant the telescopes on the Astronomy Tower to display non-existent constellations during O.W.L. exams._

'Um, Professor?'

'Shh, boy!' Tofty said, swooping down upon the offending student. 'This is an examination!'

'But Professor, look!' the fifth year Ravenclaw girl pushed her telescope towards the examiner.

'Well this is most unexpected…' Tofty frowned, looking through the telescope. 'Griselda? Come and look through this young lady's telescope.'

Madam Marchbanks joined Tofty at the girl's station and peered through the telescope herself. Once she had looked her fill, she straightened up and glared around the tower room.

'I believe this is some sort of prank,' she said stoutly. 'There are plainly several constellations to be seen through that telescope that simply don't exist.'

'Not just hers,' a boy stuck his hand up. 'Mine too.'

'And mine,' someone else called.

'And mine!'

'Oh yeah, me too,' said Fred Weasley, hastily joining in.

'Blimey, you're right, mine is badly wrong,' George nodded fervently.

'In fact, I think we'd better reschedule the whole exam for a later date when the telescopes aren't messing up so badly,' Fred suggested, wide eyed.

'Entirely of their own accord,' George added.

'Well that goes without saying, of course,' Fred shrugged.

'Of course,' George smiled.

Marchbanks raised a wizened, grey eyebrow. 'You two will be receiving nothing for this examination. Everyone else, be back here tomorrow night, at the same time.'

'We hope you guys appreciate us taking the fall for you having another night's revision,' George said to the group as they trudged back to their common rooms. The crowd murmured their thanks, and Fred whispered to George; 'We were always going to fail that anyway…'

'Exactly,' George smiled. 'Only this way we have the whole year on our side!'

'Sadly, that doesn't include teachers,' Fred said, pointing to Professor Sinistra, just along the corridor from them, who was looking extremely angry, and was striding towards them with a mad sort of glint in her eye.

* * *

_326. I will not use the spell used to enchant Bludgers on any food items at mealtimes._

'Good morning, sunshine,' George chirped as he and his twin sat down at the Gryffindor table for breakfast one blustery February morning.

'Morning,' Ron replied sleepily.

'Why are you so tried?' Fred asked him, looking to Harry for clues.

Harry shrugged, as Ron replied 'Oh – I was um, studying. A bit.'

Hermione rolled her eyes and turned the page of the book she was reading.

'Well, never fear, little brother, because George and I have got something special planned for this morning!' Fred said, ruffling Ron's hair.

'Yep, as soon as McGonagall walks into the Hall – be prepared to duck and cover!'

Ron batted Fred's hand away. 'What do you mean? What's going to happen?'

Harry pointed to the entrance of the Hall. 'McGonagall's coming, guys,' he said, reaching for another piece of toast, which he'd just begun to butter as McGonagall crossed the threshold.

'And…_fire_,' George whispered. Suddenly, there was a cacophony of loud popping noises, followed by the sound of crunching, cracking, smacking, and, loudest of all, screams.

Harry fell backwards off of his bench as the toast he'd been holding transformed into a heavy iron bludger. Hermione screamed '_Imobilus!_' and the speeding ball stopped just short of his chest.

All around the Hall, people were following her lead, yelling defensive spells to ward off the balls. Others had grabbed serving platters or chairs and were beating the bludgers off. Many students had crawled under the tables, and it was from there that they witnessed Dumbledore and McGonagall stand up and, together, Vanish the bludgers. They also saw McGonagall stomp down to the Gryffindor table and drag the twins up to her office to await _severe_ punishment.

* * *

_329. I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan's nose._

'Care to explain this, boys?' Madam Pomfrey snarled.

'We're sorry!' Fred shrugged.

'We didn't realise he was so close!' George sniggered.

Ron scowled. 'I think she meant 'explain the enchantment' not 'explain why you chose your brother as the recipient,' which, by the way, I think you should explain to me.'

Fred burst out laughing. 'I'm sorry Ron, I just can't take you seriously when you look like that!'

Ron rolled his eyes, and Harry, Hermione and George began laughing too.

'You do look ridiculous, mate,' Harry spluttered.

'Well I've got a snitch up my nose! It's not my fault! It's not like if it flew up someone else's nose they'd look good enough to be on the cover of _Witch Weekly_!' Ron folded his arms moodily.

'_Witch Weekly_ would probably love this,' Hermione giggled.

Madam Pomfrey rolled her eyes. 'Stand back everyone, I've got the necessary instrument with which to remove it.'

The group stepped back, and Ron's eyes widened noticeably as the matron advanced towards him with what looked like a long spoon.

'It looks like you're going to scoop out my brains with that!' Ron exclaimed, crossing his eyes as he watched the spoon inch closer to his comically plugged up nose.

'It won't hurt a bit,' said Madam Pomfrey distractedly as she slid the magical instrument around the Snitch; whose wings were still twitching dejectedly; and, securing the object, yanked it out of Ron's nostril..

'_OW_!' Ron yelled, his hands flying up to feel his nose.

'Don't worry, we'll get it back to it's normal shape in no time,' said Madam Pomfrey, who was wiping the snitch clean of whatever Ron had up his nose. 'Keepsake?' she asked, holding it out to him.

Ron looked repulsed.

'I'll take that,' Fred said, plucking the snitch out her hands. 'I want to remember this forever!'

'Surely the twelve thousand lines will ingrain it in your memory?' said a cold voice from the doorway.

Fred and George froze. 'McGonagall…' they sighed in unison.

* * *

_  
330. I will not test my Potions assignments by spiking Snape's drink with them._

'Let's see if our shrinking solution worked, huh?' Fred whispered to George, who looked slightly confused.

'What? How?' he whispered back.

'Watch,' Fred grinned mischievously. He flicked his wand in the direction of the door, and a loud knock sounded from the other side. Snape stood up from his desk, and strode over to open the door. While he was looking down the corridor for the source of the noise, Fred crept up to his desk and poured a little of his potion into Snape's morning tea.

Snape returned to his desk looking angry.

'Come on, come on,' Fred muttered under his breath. 'Drink it…'

Snape sat down heavily upon his chair and surveyed his timetable to see what class he had next.

'Drink it, man…' Fred gritted his teeth.

He reached absent-mindedly for his tea, and took a small sip of it. He placed the cup back on the table. Fred frowned slightly.

And then there was a small pop, and a black haired baby swathed in robes sat on Snape's chair.

'Impressive,' George said, surveying his brother's work. 'But you realise you have to take him to the Hospital wing now?'

'No way,' Fred said, his grin fading.

'You can't leave him like that,' George grinned.

'Oh you're right. Coming with me?'

'Not a cat in hell's chance,' George beamed, walking behind the desk and picking up the baby. Just as he was handing it to his twin, the door opened.

'_What in Merlin's name have you done to your Professor, George Weasley?' _McGonagall's shrill voice rang through the room.

'What? Me? What? No! Fred!'

'My office_, now. _And bring the_ - baby._'

* * *

_350. No part of the school uniform is edible._

'Hermione?' Ron said as he plonked himself onto a chair in front of the fire in the Gryffindor Common Room.

'Yes?' she said sleepily, propping open her Ancient Runes book in her lap.

'Seen Fred and George today? Mum sent them a letter, but I haven't been able to find them.'

'I haven't seen them at all, actually,' she said, frowning and closing the book.

'Didn't you hear?' Lee Jordan said, appearing from nowhere and joining their conversation. 'They've been in detention all day.' He sat down heavily on the couch, causing the dozing Harry to be jolted awake.

'Who? What? Where's the what?' he said, rubbing his eyes. 'Fred and George?'

'Yeah, they're in detention still, with the House Elves,' Lee said, his eyes gleaming.

'House Elves?' Hermione said, sitting up a little straighter.

'They insisted to Umbridge today, during Defence, that their uniforms were edible, and then proceeded to eat them,' he grinned.

'Not all of them?' Ron asked, looking revolted.

'Well, no, they stayed decent,' Lee said, rolling his eyes. 'Although they did say they'd have eaten everything if they'd been wearing that Invisibility Thong that _you _got confiscated…'

'So then what? Surely eating their own uniforms wasn't that bad an offence?' Harry asked, pushing his glasses further up on his nose.

'The trouble started when they began to eat everyone else's clothes,' Lee beamed. 'And then Umbridge's!'

'What?' Hermione gasped.

'Yep. They ate her hat.'

'Um – one question,' Ron interjected. 'How'd they do it?'

'Some weird charm they found in the library,' Lee shrugged. 'They cast it on everyone's clothes. Thing is, they didn't learn the counter quite so well, so everyone's clothes turned pretty syrupy once Umbridge made them take it off.'

'Yuck,' Hermione scowled.

'Yeah. So that's what they're doing with the House Elves. Laundry,' Lee said, yawning.

'That's not a bad punishment,' Harry said thoughtfully.

'It is when you consider that they've been at it for…' Lee checked his watch, 'eighteen hours straight!'

* * *

_351. The proper way to report to Professor McGonagall is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."_

'You can't give us detention for simply annoying you, Professor,' George said reasonably.

'Actually, that's exactly what I can give you detention for,' McGonagall said harshly.

'Oh come on!' Fred said. 'This was nothing! Remember the time we had the open mic night? Now that was cause for punishment!'

'This, however, is not,' George finished.

'I disagree,' McGonagall said. 'Besides, I think your most punishable offence was enchanting Miss Granger's time-turner.'

'That was a good one…' George nodded.

'No, it was not a good one,' McGonagall hissed. 'It was the cause of much stress and magical twists in time that could have unravelled further than you can imagine!'

'I just wanted to see Hermione's hair go all big,' Fred said, as his brother nodded.

McGonagall closed her eyes and breathed deeply.

'I'm giving you lines.'

'What do they say?' George asked.

'They say 'the proper way to report to Professor McGonagall is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence." Is that clear?'

'Indeed it is, Professor,' George grinned.

'And thank you for wording it so wittily,' Fred said.

'Anything to make breaking rules more fun for you,' McGonagall sighed bitterly.

* * *

_352. Bubotubers are not filled with tasty honey, and it is wrong to tell First Years that they are._

Fred and George hid behind a large, potted Venomous Tentacula. They were secretly observing a first year Herbology class, and had chosen this particular Tentacula because they'd befriended it the previous year, and they knew that if you tickled it in just the right place, it made an excellent cover for mischievous students, and would hardly bite at all.

'Ouch!' Fred whispered loudly. His twin nudged him. 'Sorry, it bit me again.'

'Keep tickling!' George hissed. 'The show's about to begin.'

'Now you may begin working on your bubotubers,' Professor Sprout announced. 'Remember how valuble it is, and be sure not to waste any!'

'This is it!' Fred grinned, reaching up slightly to tickle a new part of the Tentacula, which seemed to hum happily at his efforts.

The first years all glanced at each other, and set to work squeezing the shiny swellings on the thick, black slug-like bubotubers. The first student to pop their swelling caught the liquid in their bottle, before raising it to their lips to taste it.

'_What are you doing?_' Sprout's shrill cry echoed around the greenhouse.

'I was going to taste it,' the boy said, frozen to the spot. 'To see if it really did taste like honey!'

'_Honey?_' Sprout screeched. 'Didn't you hear what I said about it doing funny things to the skin? Can't you smell the petrol smell? Didn't you hear me call it _pus?_' she shrieked.

'Well they said you say all that to stop us trying it, but it was the best honey in the world really, and we'd never get to try it again!' the boy insisted, putting the bottle down and capping it.

'Who said?' Sprout asked darkly, suspicions forming already.

'Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle,' the class recited together. Sprout raised an eyebrow.

'Yes!' Fred whispered triumphantly.

'Oh good work, kids!' George grinned proudly.

Suddenly, the Tentacula was wrenched away, and with a howl from the devastated plant, the twins were left facing a very angry Professor, who didn't believe for one second that Crabbe or Goyle had anything to do with anything.

* * *

_353. I will not sell tickets to get into the Chamber of Secrets._

'Line up here for your ticket to the fabulous and historic Chamber Of Secrets!' Fred called out to the crowded common room.

'Enjoy the first hand experience of being in what I assume is some kind of large sewer!' George said in his best salesman voice.

'See the huge, terrifying corpse of a really big snake!' Fred beamed.

'Imagine the thrills of trying to escape You Know Who as you dart about the tunnels like Harry must've!'

'Hey!' Harry complained loudly. 'I was saving your little sister!' He frowned. 'And the world, kind of,' he added as an afterthought.

'What's going on?' Percy said, pushing through the crowd to stand next to Harry.

'Fred and George are selling 'thrill rides' to the Chamber of Secrets,' Harry huffed. 'Bet it wouldn't be so funny if I'd come out of there empty-handed…'

'You don't know what it's like to be a spectator of your life though, Harry!' George said simply, as if this explained everything.

Harry frowned. 'I'm fairly certain I do. I'm watching my life most of the time, to be honest.'

'As an outsider, I mean! People are curious! They want to experience what you do!' Fred shrugged.

'We're merely catering to the masses,' George said, handing him a ticket. 'Here's one, free of charge.'

Harry looked at the ticket, and back up at the twins. 'How do you plan to get into it, anyway, seeing as you have to speak parseltongue?'

'Well we were hoping _that_,' Fred gestured at the ticket in Harry's hand, 'would be enough to get you to open it for us.'

Harry chuckled. 'Somehow, that's unappealing to me,' he said, handing them the ticket back and going to sit by the fire, leaving Percy alone with the twins.

They looked up at her. 'Ah well, no harm, no foul, eh Perce?' George grinned, packing away his box of tickets hastily.

'Think again,' he said sharply, before going to fetch McGonagall.

* * *

_354. I will not arrange for us to jump out of a massive cake at our impromptu birthday party for Professor Snape._

'Seriously bad plan, mate,' Fred said to his twin.

'Are you kidding? I wouldn't swap the expression on his face for the world.'

'I suppose,' Fred frowned. 'But was it really worth this?'

'I see your point,' George said looking down. 'But yeah, I really think it was.

They'd each been stuck, Da Vinci style, in the centre of two of the golden Quidditch hoops, and would not be collected for another thirty or so hours.

'Is your Spellotape really itching too?' George asked Fred, who rolled his eyes, chuckling.

* * *

_355. I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by Professor Trelawney, tapping an hourglass and looking at her impatiently._

'What can you see, class, clear your minds…let your inner eyes see…unfog the future!'

'Oh, come on. That's just the name of the textbook!' Fred said loudly. Trelawney's eyes snapped open.

'Concentrate on your work, Weasley,' she snapped.

'Professor?'

'If you interrupt me again, Weasley, I'll – Weasley?' Trelawney stared at Fred. Fred stared right back at her. '_What?_'

'I see something!'

'You do?' Trelawney said excitedly. 'What do you see?' she turned to George. 'What does he see?'

George looked nonplussed.

'I dunno!' he said defiantly. 'We share each other's looks, not each other's inner eyes!'

'Of course, of course…' Trelawney muttered. 'What do you see?'

Fred looked fearful. 'I see a tall man, shrouded in black…'

'Perhaps you are seeing He Who Must Not Be Named?' Trelawney asked eagerly.

'Not unless You Know Who's come back as a skeleton, and I've got it on good authority that he hasn't,' Fred said, peering intensely into the middle distance. 'He's standing by you, Professor…It's the Grim Reaper!'

'What?' Trelawney yelped.

'He's got something...'

'Tell me!' she whispered passionately.

'An…an hourglass,' he said in a low voice. 'He's tapping it.'

'No!' Trelawney gasped.

'He's looking impatient, Professor!'

'Impatient?' Trelawney looked desperately to her left and right, trying to See him.

'Um, Professor?' Fred tapped her on the shoulder. She jumped.

'Yes, Fred?' She trembled as she spoke.

'I started this as a joke but now I feel slightly guilty. There's nothing there.' He made a sheepish face. 'Sorry!'

Trelawney grabbed her chest. 'Go – McGonagall's – now!'

'I tell you what my inner eye's seeing right now, mate?' George said. 'A big, angry Transfiguration Professor about to smack you over the head with one of Trelawney's crystal balls.'

* * *

_356. Regardless of how much Professor Snape's hair might annoy me, it is inappropriate to sneak into his room at night and shave it off._

'We can easily re-grow it,' Dumbledore said, tapping Snape's bald head lightly with his wand. Immediately, his long, greasy hair was back in place. 'See?'

'No, Albus, this is more than just a case of re-growing hair!' Snape hissed. 'They snuck into my room and shaved my hair off!'

'Next you'll be claiming they slipped you some Firewhiskey and convinced you to dance on a table!' Dumbledore said mildly.

'It was them, Albus, the damn Weasley twins!'

'You have no proof, Severus, and I still maintain it could be a reaction from Hagrid's homemade Cullen Skink that the House Elves served last night.'

'I swear, if those Weasleys put another toe out of line -'

'You'll Spellotape them to the Quidditch posts again?'

'No, I'll think of something new,' Snape said venomously.

'I say you should drop it, Severus, and stick to tormenting them during classtime, rather than seeking them out on weekends. Besides, I think you suit your hair short.'

Snape glared at Dumbledore. 'That's not funny.'

* * *

_357. Robes are appropriate school wear. Bathrobes are not._

'Does she think if you write something out fifty thousand times it makes you think it's true?' Fred asked.

'Apparently. But then again, you're not exactly writing it out fifty thousand times, are you?' Ron said, gesturing around the room.

'This is outrageous,' Hermione sputtered. 'I cannot believe you two.'

'Come on Hermione, fifty thousand times. Each! By the end of the week!'

'And we're doing a fair whack of it,' George shrugged.

'Yeah. We'll be up into the night; we'll let these guys off at say, midnight?'

'Sounds fair. Plus we are paying them.'

'A Galleon each!' Hermione said in a high pitched voice.

'It's more than they'd be making otherwise. Isn't that right?' Fred asked their workforce; about thirty pupils from first to third year, who were all being paid to do a share of the twins' punishment.

'Yes, sirs,' the weary voices of the children sounded.

'Sirs?' Harry asked, who was also writing lines for the twins, more out of boredom than anything else.

'We've got no idea why they call us that, Harry,' Fred said, not looking up.

'We must just command respect,' George added.

'Ha!' Hermione said loudly.

'What are you writing anyway?' Ron asked, leaning over to look at Harry's parchment. 'No way!'

'Yes way,' George muttered.

'You wore bathrobes to class?' Ron asked, amazed. 'As a prank?'

'Well, no, actually,' Fred shrugged.

'What happened then?' Hermione asked, half exasperated, half amused.

'We just picked up the wrong thing and wore our dressing gowns instead of cloaks. Not sure why, really…'

'That's odd,' said Harry, frowning slightly.

'Not as odd as you think,' Lee announced, arriving on the scene and sitting next to Ron. 'I switched your dressing gowns for your cloaks the night before, just to see if you'd notice.'

* * *

_358. The fact that there are only three unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much forgivable."_

'Now boys,' Lupin said, not unkindly. 'I like a laugh as much as the next man.' _Rather more_, he thought, casting his mind back to his Marauder days. 'But you can't say things like that in DADA class. It's just plain wrong.'

'But how can you contest it, Sir?' Fred asked reasonably. 'I mean, it's right down there in English.'

'Or Latin, depending on what book you're reading,' George added.

'Exactly,' Fred said, nodding his agreement. 'Two languages that agree with us.'

'Yes, but just because three curses are deemed unforgivable doesn't mean that the rest are, and I quote, 'pretty much forgivable.''

'Well,' George shrugged. 'That's your opinion, Sir. But really, if I shot you with a Furnuculus right now, would you forgive me?'

'I'd give you a detention,' Lupin said blandly.

'Yes, but would you forgive me?' George pressed.

'Well, I suppose, but that still doesn't mean that -'

'Furnuculus!' Fred whispered, pointing his wand at the Professor.

'Hey! Ow!' Lupin said, sounding intensely annoyed as he felt the boils spring up on his face.

'We'll accept our detention with grace, Professor,' Fred began.

'As long as you forgive us,' George added.

'And admit that we were right. Other curses are clearly forgivable,' Fred finished.

Lupin glared at them. 'Fine!' he cried. 'Fine! Just get these off me!'

* * *

_359. I will not ask the Room Of Requirement to turn into "Snape's Bathroom."._

'Oh come on, Professor!' George wailed.

'It was hilarious!' Fred whined.

'You would've laughed!' George howled.

'A lot!' Fred pouted.

'I sincerely doubt that,' Dumbledore said sagely.

'Seriously, Snape with a soap-on-a-rope and a rubber duck is a sight that will remain with me to the grave.'

'I can only imagine,' Dumbledore checked his notes.

'It says here that after you walked into the Room of Requirement, Professor Snape tried to kill you?' he raised an eyebrow.

'Well he shot a _lot _of curses at us. And a few of them hit their mark,' George nodded seriously.

'Yeah, I've still got really itchy feet,' Fred said, shifting uncomfortably in his chair. 'And other parts.'

George shot his twin a look, to which Fred shrugged helplessly. George wrinkled his nose.

Dumbledore cleared his throat lightly.

'Well, though you may have already been - ah - reprimanded by Professor Snape, I have to give you my own punishment, as this was an extremely serious offence.'

'Throw at us what you will, Professor, it was worth it,' George sighed contentedly.

'Just so long as it's nothing with a lot of movement. If I sit still enough it's not so bad, mostly,' Fred said, sitting stock-still.

'We'll see,' Dumbledore said. 'Go back to your common room, I will have the details sent to you shortly.'

'Can't I just stay here, professor?' Fred requested.

'No,' Dumbledore shock his head.

'C'mon,' George said, helping Fred up. 'Let's go see if Hermione's got any Murtlap Essence…'

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading! Now feel free to review!!


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: See chapter one.

A/N: Okay I'm fully aware that it's been over a year. RL has been keeping me busy, University in particular is surprisingly time consuming, but interest in this story is still high, and if you keep sending me in suggestions, it can and will go on for ever! I've not had all that many suggestions lately, so if anyone's got any good ones they're hiding under their hats, drop me a line and I'll see what I can do with them! These rules were sent to me by Celebwen Telcontar, Summer Eliza, and Drishti3693; thanks, guys.

Please enjoy, and leave a review too!

* * *

_232. The song "Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead" is never, ever appropriate._

'First things first, boys, technically it should be 'ding dong, the _wizard_ is dead.'

'Hardly the point I am trying to make, Albus,' McGonagall interjected.

'But still, accuracy is important,' Dumbledore insisted. 'Furthermore, it is entirely inappropriate to sing, let's be honest, a _gleeful_ song when a teacher has just met his end!'

'To be fair, sir, he did have You-Know-Who's face sticking out the back of his head.'

'Yeah, and come, on, he was a bit effeminate, which is why we're okay with the whole witch part of the ditty.'

'You are making a mockery of a teacher's sad demise at the hands of You-Know-Who!' McGonagall burst angrily. 'This is inexcusable!'

'Yes, it's very bad for him that he got swept up in it all, but really, is anyone sad to see him go?'

'Exactly, either of you two have a meaningful conversation with him? Ever?'

'Well he tended to keep away from me,' Dumbledore said musingly. 'Suppose it's fairly obvious why now.'

'I cannot abide a stutterer,' McGonagall muttered. 'And that turban? Disgusting smell.'

The twins sat back, feeling rather pleased with their argumentative skills.

'Yes, don't look too smug though, boys,' Dumbledore said, glancing at McGonagall, who was looking furious. 'You've still got a rather large batch of detentions to complete after the summer…'

* * *

_291. I am not allowed to change the Slytherin banner in the Great Hall to a pink and blue banner with a teddy bear on it._

'What the _hell_ is that?' Draco Malfoy hissed, as he sloped into the Great Hall for breakfast one stormy Sunday morning.

'Um…' Crabbe scratched his head, reminding Draco perfectly of a gorilla. He would have commented on this, had it not been for the fact his attention was completely diverted by the ridiculous pink and blue banner in the place of his noble Slytherin's green and silver. And in place of the serpent, there was a…dare he say…a teddy bear?

'Who did this?' he roared. The occupants of the mostly empty hall turned to face him.

'Funnily enough, Mr Malfoy, we are actually working on that,' McGonagall replied tetchily from the far end of the room, under the banner, where she was huddled with Dumbledore and Snape.

'This is bloody typical. I bet it's those damn blood traitor Weasel twins again,' Malfoy muttered, for no-one's benefit but his own, as Crabbe and Goyle had already lumbered off to the Slytherin table. Malfoy wasn't even sure they'd noticed the banner.

He began striding towards the banner and, fuming, burst into the huddle.

'It was those _damn_ twins,' he hissed.

The teachers exchanged looks.

'I hate to say it…but he's got a point,' McGonagall said resignedly.

'Hey!' Malfoy said indignantly. McGonagall did not look remotely abashed.

Snape's lip curled. 'How do we remove it? Along with their heads?'

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow.

'There will be no head removal, Severus. I will deal with the twins, if it is in fact them.'

'Of course it's them!' Malfoy blustered.

'Draco,' Snape said warningly. 'You'd do better to keep out of this.'

'Yes, or you might find yourself the twins' next target. Wouldn't want that,' McGonagall said lightly. Dumbledore smiled.

'Look,' he said pointing toward the entrance to the Great Hall. The twins had just ambled over the threshold. He caught their eye and beckoned them to the staff table with one long finger.

'Yes, professors? And Malfoy?' Fred said amiably when they had reached them.

The three professors simply pointed towards the banner above their heads, whilst Malfoy slowly turned a vicious purple colour.

The twins nodded serenely. 'Your office, Sir?' George asked Dumbledore, grinning.

* * *

_307. I will not transfigure good-looking students of the opposite sex's clothing into skimpy swimwear. Nor any of the teachers._

'I for one found it amusing and educational,' Ron said, still slightly flushed from the twins' latest prank.

'Only because it never happened to you,' Hermione said, scowling.

'And you know why that is?' said Lee Jordan, who was determinedly making a card castle with an exploding snap pack.

'Why?' asked Harry, who was trying to finish a Herbology essay but could not get the image of Cho Chang today out of his head.

'Because you're not good looking, your brothers said.' Lee placed another two cards on his masterpiece of a castle. Ron scowled briefly before brightening again.

'And never before has it come in so useful!' he quipped.

'Also he's male. There was a distinct lack of males in swimwear. Did you even notice that?' Hermione snapped.

'Of course not,' Ron said, slapping Harry on the knee. 'We weren't looking at _them!_'

'You're disgusting, Ronald Weasley.'

'_You're_ certainly not, Hermione!' he winked, before Hermione whacked him over the head with _Transfiguration Today_.

'My favourite bit was when Umbridge walked in for lunch,' Harry said, putting his quill down for a moment. 'Have you ever heard anyone scream so loudly?'

'I think she was actually screaming 'detention!' but she was so incoherent nobody took any notice,' Lee said, not looking up from his task.

'Where are the twins? I thought they were just getting sentenced today?' Katie Bell asked, joining the group by the fire. 'Why's it taking so long?'

'Yes, the punishment for this one is going to take at least the rest of their lives, McGonagall said,' Hermione parroted, still looking thoroughly put out.

'Oh come on, Hermione, like you haven't wanted to show off that bikini body!' came a voice from the portrait hole.

'I don't know, I don't think she was quite as attractive as Professor Sinistra. Now there's a fine figure of a woman!' said another, identical voice.

'So you think you're funny, do you?' Hermione said, rising from the couch and looking murderous. All over the common room, other girls were following suit.

'Come on girls, we've already got a hefty punishment waiting…' Fred said warily.

'_You haven't seen nothing yet_,' Hermione whispered threateningly before turning her wand on them, along with the rest of the female population of Gryffindor.

'Isn't Hermione's grammar usually better than that?' Ron whispered to Harry, as Lee's castle exploded in his face, singeing his eyebrows and the ends of his dreadlocks.

* * *

_362. I will not, under any circumstances, bewitch Professor McGonagall's mouth to play classical music every time she tries to talk._

Fred and George sat in dull silence in a dusty, rarely used wing of the library. Fred was partially hidden from his brother under a pile of volumes, and George was stretched out of the floor looking at titles on the bottom shelf.

'This is just wrong,' George muttered.

'I know, but if we find what we're looking for, it'll be brilliant!' Fred said, attempting to inject some enthusiasm into his tired voice as he quietly flipped the page.

'People don't realise how much effort goes into pranks,' George said huffily.

'It would be so much easier if Hermione wasn't so likely to hand us in to McGonagall. She'd be great in this stage of a prank.' Fred sighed.

'Yeah but she too busy getting O's and turning down Ron to help us out anyway,' George yawned. 'Hey, might have found a book here!'

'What is it?' Fred said warily, his pile of books was already large enough, thank you.

'_Classical Twist: The magical art of musical words._'

'That sounds like it could be perfect,' Fred said, discarding the volume he was flipping his way through and grabbing the book George was offering to him. 'This is it, bro…' he said, staring hard at the table of contents. 'This is it, we've got the incantation!' he yelped, flipping to the correct page and scribbling down the spell they now had to learn perfectly before attempting it on their head of house. 'It's going to be tough, I think,' Fred said worriedly.

'We'll learn it, mate, no worries. I can wait to hear McGonagall's reaction. Something in an Einaudi might be quite nice…'

'Me, I'm voting for a classic Mozart,' Fred replied, happier. 'People really don't know the effort involved here…'

* * *

_363. Just because they are not Unforgivable curses, the use of curse words is still punishable._

'Good morning, children,' the twins said in unison as they slid into the bench opposite Harry, Ron and Hermione at the Gryffindor table one dreary Sunday.

'Morning?' Hermione said, checking her watch. 'It's after one!'

'Yeah well we've only just woken up, we were up rather late last night,' Fred said darkly.

'How come?' Harry asked, grabbing a breadstick from the plate on the table to nibble on as he did a particularly tough potions essay.

'Did you hear about our run-in with Umbridge yesterday?' George asked, helping himself to a breadstick as well.

'Something about a curse?' Ron said, looking up. 'Lee mentioned, didn't explain properly though.'

'Well it was kind of a sequel to our discussion with Lupin about other curses being forgivable.'

'Yeah, we were going to do it last year, but we had Moody, and that seemed like asking for trouble.'

'Whereas Umbridge is just a big fluffy bunny?' Harry asked lightly.

'Exactly. Anyway, we started spouting off some excellent swear words, insisting that they weren't unforgivable curses so it was cool.'

'She flip her lid?' Ron asked, grinning.

'Yes.' Fred said, sighing. 'We were essentially her slaves for the night. As well as that bad-ass quill trick she plays, we also had to polish her kittens -'

'Blimey, that sounds like a euphemism,' Ron cut in, chuckling.

George shuddered. 'Don't even joke, Ron. And we have to do it all again tonight as well.'

'Just two nights?' Harry cried indignantly. 'You two spout filthy language at her and only get two nights; I try to warn the wizarding world that Voldemort has returned and I get a bloody fortnight! Where's the justice in that?' he fumed.

'Feel a bit better now, Harry, thanks!' Fred and George said in unison, grinning once again.

* * *

_383. Replacing McGonagall's pumpkin juice with diet coke, while amusing, makes her snort it out of her nose. Detentions aren't quite as amusing._

'Hermione, what's this?' Fred asked, picking up a bottle that had rolled out of her backpack and onto the compartment floor.

'Oh it's a muggle soft drink,' Hermione said, taking the bottle back. 'I was drinking it this morning when my parents walked into my room, and them being dentists and all, I shoved it into my bag so they wouldn't see.'

'Why would them being dentists matter?' George asked, confused.

'Coke – that's the drink – is very sugary. Here, try some,' Hermione said, passing the bottle to the twins, who each took a sip.

'Bubbles! Bubbles going – the wrong way!' George said, spluttering. Fred smacked his lips, however, and said: 'that's some good stuff, Hermione!' He passed the bottle back to her.

Hermione smiled and waved it away. 'You keep it. I'll bring some more next time I go home!'

The rest of the compartment fell into conversation as Fred started down at the bottle in his hands.

'What?' His twin nudged him.

'Do you think something involving forcing McGonagall to drink this would be amusing?'

'Could be. Especially if she shares my aversion to bubbles…and let's face it, old Minerva's not exactly a bubbly sort…' George nodded. 'Let's plan, bro.'

* * *

_365. Coming up with a fake disease and telling first years they have it is not a good idea._

'Harry?' Hermione said, looking up from the book she was reading. 'Do you ever think it might be a good idea to write down everything that goes on with you here?'

'Here?' Harry repeated sleepily. 'Nothing happens here. We sit, you read. Sometimes do homework.'

'I don't mean here in the library, I mean here at Hogwarts,' Hermione said, sounding exasperated.

'Oh. Why bother? Everyone knows exactly what's happened to me. It's commented on quite a lot actually. Haven't you been listening?'

\'No

'No, I mean for future generations. For instance, I'm reading about the Founders right now,' she gestured at the book, 'and it strikes me that they could have been a lot more thorough with their documentation.'

Ron snatched the book from her hands. ''Hogwarts, a History.' I thought Fred and George threw this out of the window?'

'I got it back, thank you,' Hermione snapped, tugging the book out of his hands.

'Anyway, there have been much bigger legends than me at this school,' Harry shrugged. 'Dumbledore, Voldemort…'

'Nicholas Flamel,' Ron suggested. 'Her that wrote 'A History of Magic.'

'Bathilda Bagshot,' Hermione supplied automatically.

'And not forgetting,' came a voice from behind them, 'the most legendary.'

'Us!' George cried as he and Fred bounded into view.

'Of course,' Hermione sighed.

'Sorry, we just thought we'd interrupt the important discussions of our young heroes to tell you our latest amazing endeavour.

Ron gestured for them to continue, before leaning back in his chair and stretching languorously.

'We've been sitting with the first years for weeks at mealtimes, chatting away to them about wizarding diseases.'

'Some of which we may have made up.'

Harry and Hermione exchanged looks.

'Yeah, so once we'd convinced them all that they had 'Granulated Liver Syndrome' or Shredded Occipital Lobe-itis' they all ran screaming to the Hospital Wing.'

'And?' Harry asked, absentmindedly doodling on a copy of Theories in Transfiguration. A newsprint covered hand rose up from the pages and smacked him sharply on the face. 'OW!'

'Shh now, Harry,' Fred chastened him. 'Madam Pomfrey nearly had a fit and we got about ten thousand lines from McGonagall.'

'Nice,' Ron nodded. 'Could have spun it a little further though, I reckon.'

'Well, we've told the first years that it's their fault we got into trouble, so they're doing our lines for us,' Fred grinned, reaching for Harry's discarded quill.

'I wouldn't,' Harry warned, as Fred began to add to Harry's doodle.

'How's that for spin, eh, little bro?' Fred said, just as a newsprint hand materialised before him and punched him on the nose.

* * *

_368. I am not to slip Polyjuice potion to as many people as possible to make them look like me 'purely for the humour.'_

'So what was the theory behind this one, boys?' McGonagall said lightly as she eased into her desk chair. 'Planning to start an army? A religious sect? Another attempt to start your own school house?'

'You're in a pleasant mood today, professor,' Fred remarked brightly.

'Yeah, you seem very chipper for a woman who's clutching her 'Detention Quill' like a lifeline,' George added.

'Ah, well boys, I've discovered that while your pranks may be childish, obstructive, and sometimes downright dangerous…there does usually seem to be an amusing reason behind it. At least, it will make Professor Dumbledore laugh, at any rate.' McGonagall tried to hide a grin. The twins were popular students, and her descriptions of their pranks, exchanges, and comebacks has made her quite the toast of the staffroom lately. Quite often a teacher would pipe up, during a lull in conversation, 'go on Minerva, tell us another of Fred and George's stories!'

Though she in no way felt the need to popular or well liked – that wasn't important, not at all. Not part of her job description – all the same, it was rather nice to have ready-made anecdotes to tell.

'Go on, boys,' she said; quill poised to record the reason.

'Ah, didn't really think this one through,' Fred shrugged. McGonagall started.

'Purely for the humour, this one,' George said. 'I mean, come on, how often is it you get to see a room full of yourself?'

McGonagall's eyes narrowed.

'Except when we go to one of those muggle funfair mirror rooms, eh George?' Fred nudged his twin, who chuckled.

'You mean to say you have no well thought out reason for this?' McGonagall hissed.

'Um…no,' George said, bemused by the sudden change in her mood.

McGonagall inhaled deeply. 'Get out.'

'What?' Fred asked, taken aback.

'Out. Out!' she cried, waving them from the room. 'I'm going to have to make something up now!' she said angrily to herself as they slouched out of her office, and she slammed the door behind them.

* * *

_373. I will not give Peeves itching powder._

'These are really, really good,' Ron said, reaching for another pastry. 'Like, really good. I might have to go down to the kitchens and start my own personal collection of these delicious treats.'

'Stop eulogising the breakfast, Ron and look at your bothers,' Hermione said, rolling her eyes and pointing some way down the table at the twins, who, it was true, were looking a little apprehensive.

'They've got their prank-faces on,' Harry confirmed, reaching for a pastry of his own. 'Wow, Ron, you're right,' he said thickly as he took a bite.

'Shall we visit Dobby later then, yeah?' Ron suggested, his eyes bright with the promise of baked goods.

'Look!' Hermione prodded both of them and pointed once more at the twins. 'They're looking at Peeves!'

They were in fact, looking at the small bag Peeves had clutched under his arm.

'WHEEEE!' Peeves yelped, soaring over the four tables and sprinkling something from his bag over the Ravenclaw table. There was a moment of confused silence, and then a noise that reminded Harry of when Gryffindor had won the house cup in his first year. Peeves then swooped over Slytherin and Gryffindor, giving them the same treatment as Ravenclaw. The Hufflepuffs looked relieved for a split second, before peeves dumped the entire contents of the bag over the Hufflepuff table, giving them the worst dosage of all.

'YOUR BLOODY BROTHERS!' Hermione screamed, scratching her head with a viciousness Harry and Ron had never seen before. 'THOSE BLOODY TWINS!'

The twins, sitting along the table, were miraculously powder free. A fiercely itchy McGonagall strode – well, more hopped – over to them and glared as scarily as she could whilst her head grew so itchy she almost tore her bun out.

'Well timed impervious curse?' Fred shrugged. It wasn't technically a lie.

'Not- going….to – fly!' McGonagall shrieked. 'MY OFFICE!'

* * *

_376. I will not use magic to cause students to become their costumes on Halloween_.

'So what do you think he'll say?' Fred nudged George, who was sitting next to him with his feet up on the desk.

'Hmm?' said George, blinking at his twin.

'Dumbledore. About today's adventure?' Fred urged.

'Oh. I reckon he'll find it at least a little funny,' George said, swinging his feet off his headmaster's desk.

'You think? Even though he was dressed up as a skeleton?' Fred coughed a little. 'And then he turned into one?'

'Well…that was a little weird. But at least he was still skeleton Dumbledore, and didn't lose his memory or anything.'

'Like Harry?' George grinned. 'What was it he was calling himself? Double – oh – seven?'

'I think so. He went all crazy and started pulling those metal wand things out of his socks, it was bizarre,' Fred chuckled. 'Though not as bizarre as Hermione. What on earth was she wearing?'

'That big frizzy red wig and the hat? She said she was some muggle children's book character, the Mad Hatter.'

'That'll explain why she started spouting so much nonsense after the spell kicked in, huh?' Fred grinned. 'My favourite was still Ron's though.'

'Yeah, excellent idea to make him 'face his fears' this year!' George laughed. 'Forcing him to dress as a spider was funny enough, but actually seeing him transform into one was the funniest thing I've ever witnessed in my life, including Snape's classroom with the layer of pink fur!

Their discussion was cut short by Dumbledore entering his office. 'So, boys,' he said, sitting behind his desk. 'Interesting twist, this year.'

'Yeah, well we always like to make the most of the holidays,' Fred shrugged.

'I must commend the two of you on your ingenuity. Dressing as each other was remarkably clever.'

'Yeah, we could keep our cool during the crisis!' George beamed.

'While everyone else was running around, being werewolves and vampires and cats and soldiers, we were just Fred and George. Only, well, not,' Fred chuckled again.

Dumbledore adjusted his glasses. 'Yes, well, ingenious though that was, you are in very serious trouble. You have no idea how much Professor McGonagall resented being turned into a pumpkin. Even if it did have a carved scowl on it…'

* * *

A/N: Seriously, I urgently need new suggestions! Also reviews would be lovely and would probably make my day, actually. Thank you for reading!


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer: See chapter one.

A/N: I'm on a writing roll lately, so here's another chapter! Keep the suggestions coming in, I've had a lot of really great ones lately but I can always use more! This fic just broke 400 reviews and 70,000 hits…so I'd like to just say to all the people reading this, thank you so much! I can't believe how much support this story gets, and you have no idea how happy it makes me! So thanks! These suggestions came from KK, BOOkwOrm92, joliechose151, and Lvmj, thanks guys!

* * *

_335. I will not write all of Umbridge's essays in red ink claiming it is blood._

'You can see the basis for this one, Professor,' Fred said, leaning back in his usual chair. 'I mean, she's so fond of making us do lines in our own blood -'

'-And thank you, Professor, for never forcing that one on us -'

'-That we figured perhaps she'd like all her essays done in blood too,' Fred finished.

'Of course, we weren't going to use our actual blood,' George admitted.

'Yes, because that would be insane,' Fred agreed.

'So…red ink?' McGonagall nodded. 'That was the solution?'

'That seemed to us to be the most rational -'

'-Yet still witty -'

'-Way of doing this,' George concluded.

McGonagall frowned slightly. 'I'm a little bit impressed,' she conceded.

'Really?' Fred said, leaning forward again. 'You are?'

'Yes,' McGonagall nodded again. 'I wish I could stop her barbaric blood detentions, but sadly…' she looked up at them again. 'However, I must still punish you for sassing a teacher.'

Fred and George deflated a little.

'How do ten lines each sound? Fair?' McGonagall allowed herself a rare smile.

'Brilliant, Professor!'

* * *

_386. I will not tamper with everyone's timetables._

'What have you got first, Hermione?' Ron peered over his friend's shoulder.

'Get off,' she batted him away. 'And I'm not sure…'

'What do you mean, you're not sure?' Harry asked. 'You've got your timetable right in front of you.'

Hermione looked at him, panic in her eyes. 'yes, but every time I look at the parchment, it says something different!' she said urgently. 'At first I thought it was just my eyes, but it's happening every time I blink! Look!' she thrust the parchment toward Harry, who looked down at it.

'It says you've got Care of Magical Creatures,' he said, looking up at her.

'Look again! Hermione insisted. Harry returned his gaze to the page.

'Okay…now it says you've got Muggle Studies. Do you even still take that?' Harry said, sounding confused.

'No, I dropped it at the end of third year!' Hermione insisted. Ron dug out his own crumpled timetable.

'Ronald, how can that be in such a state? We only got them yesterday!' Hermione said, snapping from panicked to exasperated in the blink of an eye.

'Hey, this is cool!' Ron said staring at his own timetable. 'I've got Potions,' he blinked, 'now it's Ancient Runes – yeah right,' he blinked again, 'now it's Divination…' he tore his eyes away. 'This is brilliant!'

'How exactly?' Hermione said, scanning the Great Hall. Many other people seemed to be having trouble with their timetables too.

'If we don't know what class we have, surely that means no class?' Ron said, pocketing the malfunctioning parchment back in his pocket and ladling more porridge into his bowl.

'I'm guessing probably not,' Harry said, pointing at the entrance to the Great Hall, where McGonagall had appeared with Fred and George, whom she was prodding repeatedly with her wand to make them walk faster up to the Staff table.

'Albus?' McGonagall called. 'How many years have I been the History of Magic teacher at this school?'

Dumbledore looked flummoxed.

'What about Astronomy? How many years have I clocked with that one?' she hissed, reaching the table at last.

'Minerva, are you quite alright?' Dumbledore asked, concerned.

'No, in fact, I'm not!' McGonagall fumed. 'I looked at my new timetable this morning to see which year I was teaching first, and I discovered a curious charm had been placed upon it to change the name of the subject _every time I blinked!_'

'Oh,' Dumbledore glanced at the twins. 'I see.'

'And with some investigation, I've discovered that every single timetable is malfunctioning the same way!'

'And you suspect…' Dumbledore gestured at the twins.

McGonagall glared at the Headmaster. 'Naturally.'

'Quite right,' Dumbledore smiled, and got to his feet. 'Could everyone please bring their timetables to me? Fred and George Weasley are going to write you out a new one!' Fred and George exchanged a look. 'By hand!' At this, they groaned audibly.

'When you receive your new timetable, proceed to class, please,' Dumbledore said, sitting back down to finish his breakfast.

'Ha!' Ron nudged Hermione. 'Told you we'd get out of class!'

* * *

_389. I am not the Headmaster, and am not allowed to sit in the Headmaster's seat._

'Get off my chair,' Dumbledore said, sounding highly annoyed.

'Yes Sir,' Fred Weasley said, looking abashed. He slid off and scurried along to the Gryffindor table where his twin was waiting.

'Alright, you little tosser, my turn,' Fred said viciously to George. 'Truth or dare?'

* * *

_391. I will not change the password to the Slytherin dorms to 'Long Live Harry Potter'._

'Did you hear the Howler that that oaf Longbottom got at breakfast today?' Malfoy said scathingly to Crabbe and Goyle. 'If I had a grandson like him, I'd be sending him a Howler every day. His Grandmother must have a lot of restraint!' he chuckled unpleasantly. Crabbe grunted in response. Goyle said nothing. 'Honestly,' Malfoy sulked as they headed down the stairs to the dungeons. 'My wit it completely wasted on the two of you. 'Maleficus,' he said, as they reached the black stretch of wall that concealed the entrance to their common room.

The wall remained the same; blank and unmoving. 'Maleficus!' Malfoy said again.

'Malificus,' Crabbe said behind him. Malfoy glared at him. 'Thanks ever so, Crabbe. Oi, Pucey!' Malfoy gestured to the burley fifth year to join them. 'You're a prefect, right?'

Adrian Pucey nodded.

'Has the password been changed? Maleficus isn't working anymore.'

Pucey frowned. 'Not as far as I know. We could really do with a painting to tell us.'

Malfoy rolled his eyes. 'Aren't you supposed to be notified immediately?'

'Yeah,' Pucey nodded. 'Dunno how this could have happened. Rosier!' he called to a surly seventh year girl on her way to the common room. 'Have you got a new password?'

'It's Maleficus,' she said sourly. Everyone stared at the immobile door. 'Maleficus?' She said again, hesitantly.

'What's going on?' Malfoy demanded angrily.

'Out of my way, everyone!' the high pitched squeal of Pansy Parkinson floated through the gathering crowd. 'I went and got Professor Snape!'

Snape reached the wall, and said, in his most dangerous voice: 'Maleficus.'

'Not to be rude, Sir, but what exactly were you expecting?' Malfoy asked pettily. Snape glared at him.

'Excuse me,' a thin voice cut through the crowd. It was a first year boy whose name Malfoy didn't know. 'Someone handed me this note for Professor Snape.'

Snape took the note from the boy. 'Long live Harry Potter?' he read aloud, very deliberately. Suddenly, the concealed door in the stone wall slid open to admit them all. Snape's lip curled. 'Mr Malfoy, please find Fred and George Weasley and tell them to join me in my office.' He turned and strode further down the corridor, to his own quarters. 'This has their mark all over it…' he muttered.

* * *

_395. __I will not slip sleeping potions into my professor's drinks._

'Angelina!' Alicia whispered, prodded her friend in the ribs. 'Angelina, wake up!'

'Hmm? What?' Angelina shook herself awake. 'Oh! Charms! Thanks for waking me up!'

'No problem,' Alicia grinned.

'Girls?' Something you'd like to share with the class?' Flitwick's squeaky voice barely carried over the noise of the classroom.

'No, Professor, sorry!' Alicia called. 'How could you sleep through this anyway?' she asked of Angelina, who shrugged helplessly.

'We were just thinking,' Fred Weasley interrupted., sliding into the empty chair next to Alicia, 'that someone else in here looks like he needs a cheeky nap.'

'Hmm?' Angelia blinked, still foggy from her impromptu sleep.

'Flitwick!' George grinned, joining them. 'Check it out,' he said, inclining his head toward the tiny Professor, who had reached for his cup of tea.

'Mmm,' Flitwick smiled as he took a sip. 'Now, class! Everyone back to their seats! And remember to pick up your cushio…' he trailed off as he drooped and thudded gently onto the ground.

'Nicely deployed, brother!' Fred patted George on the back.,

'Ah, it was nothing, nothing at all!' George grinned.

'What was that supposed to achieve?' Alicia asked pointedly.

'Um…' George frowned a little. 'No class!'

'Don't be thick, George, he's not going to be waking up for a while - and class is over soon,' Angelina snickered.

'Yeah George, what were you thinking?' Fred rolled his eyes at the girls. 'This guy, eh?'

'Fred, you little – oh who cares, one of us would have gotten the blame anyway,' George shrugged grumpily, before going to pick up his Professor. 'To the Hospital Wing with you, Professor!' He said, carrying the little wizard in a fireman's lift, leaving a gleeful Fred in his wake.

* * *

_402. __I will not make random "snake sounds" at Harry Potter in the hopes of accidentally saying something he can understand_

'I'm tired,' Ron complained.

'Finish your essay!' Hermione chided him.

'I'm tired as well, actually, but I want to see Fred and George after this detention,' Harry said, rubbing his eyes.

'I can't believe you reported them, Harry!' Neville shook his head from his spot on the couch next to Hermione. 'They're your friends!'

Harry sighed. 'I wouldn't have reported it if they'd stopped after a week. Even two. But it's been a month. Of constant 'sssssssssssssssssss. You have no idea how wearing that can get.'

'I do,' Ron stretched in his armchair. 'I was with you most of the time. I'd have reported them after the third hiss.'

'Finish your essay!' Hermione prodded him with her wand.

'Blimey, woman, it's not your academic reputation on the line!' Ron rolled his eyes and reached for his quill.

'Harry Potter!' Fred's angry voice reached them from the portrait hole. George stood next to him, looking equally – identically, in fact – angry.

'Yes?' Harry said uneasily, standing up to face them.

'We just had to sort Snape's collection of snakeskin into different species for different potions,' George thundered.

'Do you have any idea how long that took?' Fred stormed over to them and threw himself onto the couch, causing Neville to shoot into the air for a second.

'Yes,' Ron said, consulting his watch. 'Around seven hours.'

'Seven and a half,' George snapped, pushing Harry out of the way and stealing his chair.

'I did ask you to stop!' Harry folded his arms. 'You brought it upon yourselves. By the way, whose idea was the detention?'

'Yeah, I like that it matched the punishment,' Hermione grinned, reaching for Ron's essay which he was holding out to her with a pained look on his face.

'Dumbledore, who else?' Fred grumbled. 'Did it even work?' he asked Harry.

'Did what work?' Harry replied, sitting on the floor in front of the fire.

'We were hissing to see if we were inadvertently speaking Parseltongue!' George said exasperatedly.

'Really?' Harry looked faintly impressed. 'No, it didn't. Sorry.' Fred and George looked even more annoyed. 'Quite a good idea though,' Harry grinned. 'Try it again?'

* * *

_403. __Addressing Professor McGonagall as "kitten" is a very, VERY bad idea._

'That was a much more dangerous dare than sitting in Dumbledore's chair,' George called out to Fred who was standing in the doorway observing his twin with a wicked grin. 'And this punishment is a lot worse.'

George was on all fours, scrubbing the floor of the Owlery. 'Watch out!' Fred yelped, but it was too late. An owl had once again, relieved itself on George's bright red hair. 'Evanesco!' Fred lazily vanished the droppings, and George glared at him once more.

'Thanks a lot.'

* * *

_408. I will not enchant hundreds of chocolate frogs in the school and call them Umbridge's children._

'My favourite part was when, totally ignoring Umbridge's outburst, Dumbledore just started picking them off the table and eating them,' Parvati giggled.

'Nah, I though it was funniest when McGonagall told Umbridge right to her face 'best get eating, Delores!' Lee Jordan quipped.

Harry burst out laughing. 'Sorry, just remembering Flitwick suggesting we round them up and keep them in the kitchen for puddings!'

Ron's face was buried in his hands, he couldn't get his laughter under control. 'I'm sorry, the best part was Hagrid walking in and thinking they were all real!'

Hermione snorted, she couldn't help it. 'Yeah, and he kept yelling 'don't hurt them, don't hurt them!''

Alicia Spinnet walked into the common room at that point with a large sack that appeared to be squirming. 'McGonagall said if we helped round up the escapees we could keep them!' she grinned. 'Dig in!'

As people dove for the enormous bag of chocolate frogs, Fred and George finally entered the room.

'Oh, stunning work this time, men!' Lee grinned at the twins.

'Why thank you! We are, of course, your humble servants,' Fred beamed, and bowed low to the room.

'Come and have some frogs!' Alicia yelled to them.

'How do you reckon they'll be punished for this one?' Hermione nudged Ron.

'I dunno, but if word of this gets back to mum they're going to be spending all of next summer peeling potatoes.'

'What do you mean, 'if,' Ron?' George said, coming over to nab a chair by the fire. 'McGonagall's already written to her.'

'Oh. Ha!' Ron grinned.

'So what was the best part then?' Fred asked the trio.

'I'm afraid no-one's mentioned the whole point of it!' Hermione chuckled as she bit into a frog.

'You mean no-one even noticed that they were supposed to be Umbridge's children?' Fred said, sounding crestfallen.

'Nope, sorry,' Harry grinned as he reached for a frog that was lethargically hopping past. 'But I reckon It was a success anyway!'

* * *

_409. I will not sell muggle pens to students for a profit; no matter how much neater they are to write with._

'Wow, these are great!' Seamus said, doodling extravagantly on a spare bit of parchment while Dean watched in amusement. 'And you never have to dip it in an inkwell?'

'Never!' Fred grinned. 'Just pop off the cap and you're good to write for many, many hours!'

Neville was holding his own brand new pen up to the firelight. 'All the ink's inside already?'

'Yeah,' George said, slapping him on the back jovially. Neville jumped and dropped his pen into the fire. 'Oops!' George hastily grabbed another one from their box. 'On the house, mate, sorry!'

Dean rolled his eyes. 'It's just a pen, Seamus!'

Seamus was wasting rather a lot of parchment . 'But it's a pen you never have to fill up!' Seamus said happily. 'And look -' he wiped his hands over the parchment. 'It doesn't streak like a quill would!'

'Never again will I have to rewrite a whole essay because I knocked over my inkpot!' Neville said, shaking his new pen up and down.

'Yes! And all for the low, low price of five sickles!' Fred grinned broadly.

'You're getting ripped off,' Hermione pointed out from behind a stack of books in the corner. 'You can buy them in a muggle shop for about twenty pence…that's nowhere near five sickles.'

'Shh now Hermione, back to work,' George said, and patted her roughly on the head.

'Fred Weasley?' a dark haired third year girl approached the twins.

'Yeah? Who're you?' Fred said kindly. 'Would you like to buy a fancy muggle pen?'

'Um, no thank you,' she said. 'I'm Demelza Robins, and I have a note for you from Professor McGonagall. She said to tell you that she wrote it with a muggle quill she confiscated from a Gryffindor first year…and that she didn't appreciate it.' Demelza shrugged, and wandered over to her friends.

Fred grimaced and looked down at the note. 'Lovely penmanship,' he muttered, as he dragged George along with him to McGonagall's office for an ear-bashing.

* * *

_410. I will not bribe the house elves the put love potion into all the cups except Harry Potter's to see how Harry would deal with it._

'You have all been assembled here to discuss a serious matter of security,' Dumbledore said sternly to his packed office. 'In fact, there are so many people to discipline this time that we're having to do it in shifts.'

'Oh, is that why I'm here without Fred?' George asked, at the front of the crowd on his favourite chair.

'Yes,' Dumbledore said. 'He'll be lectured with the next group of house-elves.'

'Fair enough,' George grinned.

'You bribed these workers to spike all of the goblets at breakfast today with love potion,' Dumbledore stated. 'Except Harry Potter's.'

'Yes, I'm afraid so,' George nodded. 'We wanted to see how he dealt with the attention.'

'He deals with the attention every day,' Dumbledore pointed out.

'Yes but not on such a personal scale!' George leaned forward and rested his elbows on his Headmaster's desk. 'I thought it was beautiful, seeing everyone proclaim their love for him!'

Dumbledore shook his head. 'And you,' he addressed the house-elves, 'you allowed yourselves to be bribed by students?'

'Yes, sir!' a house-elf called Tilly answered for the group. 'Misters Weasley and Weasley said they'd make sure Miss Granger does not try to free us if we helped them!'

Dumbledore sighed deeply. 'Try not to corrupt the help please, George.'

'Right you are, sir!' George nodded fervently. 'Want me to fetch Fred?'

'Yes please,' Dumbledore smiled despite himself. 'And then afterwards, you can both come back for your punishments! Spiking teacher's drinks…that's got to be worth a few weeks of detention…and then there's the hundreds of students…'

George grimaced. 'See you soon then, Sir.'

* * *

A/N: I wrote this whole chapter whilst listening to Harry and the Potters albums on Spotify. I feel a bit lightheaded with Harry Potter overload actually. But they are truly awesome, so I highly recommend them. Also, leave a review!


	14. Chapter 14

Disclaimer: See chapter one

A/N: So, it's been a while, readers…but I have had real life to contend with; uni and exams, passing said exams and then celebrating with a full time and soul-sucking summer job…but anyway, in honour of Pottermore (Have YOU found the magic quill?) here's the latest endeavours of those terrible twins. This chapter is for my wonderful and beautiful friend Laura – have an absurdly happy 19th. Most of these suggestions are from BeatnikFreak, one or two are from tkdprincess96. Thank you very much, guys!

* * *

_263. Putting fake spiders around Ron's bed isn't funny. Especially when he tries to jump out of the window._

_Just a little further…he was almost at the door… Harry reached out and almost grasped the handle…he was going to see what lay ahead, what Voldemort wanted…_

'Arrghhh!'

Harry jolted up in bed. 'Ron?' He cried wildly, swiping at the curtains that surrounded him.

'Harry?' he heard Neville call sleepily from the next bed.

Harry found the gap in his curtains and pulled them wide. 'Ron!' he cried out; a reflex. Ron was scrambling up onto the windowsill.

'Gerremoffme!' He screeched. 'They're – they're everywhere!' he said, scrabbling at the latch on the window.

'Ron, no!' Dean yelled, leaping out of his own bed.

'Spiders!' Seamus said, dashing across the room to aid Dean; grabbing Ron by the middle. 'They're all over his pyjamas!'

'Spiders?' Neville said, looking apprehensive.

Harry nimbly made his way to Ron's bed; sure enough, there were spiders crawling all over the bedsheets, swinging from the drapes and twitching all over his pillow.

'Those are…' Harry began, revulsion stealing over him.

'Harry!' Dean cried, still struggling to keep Ron from the window.

'Fake,' Neville, said, picking one up and examining it closely. 'These are rubber. It's an easy charm.'

'What?' Ron thundered, taking great swipes at his own face, trying to rid himself of the huge spindly things.

'They're fake. Joke spiders. Animated to look real, see? The charm's wearing off already,' Neville said, gesturing to Ron's bedclothes, where the hundreds of spiders had become lethargic in their movements, some barely even twitching anymore.

Ron slammed the window shut and stamped on a rubber spider crawling past his foot. 'I am going to kill my brothers!' he said as he stormed out of the dormitory, shedding spiders as he went.

* * *

_412. I am not allowed to enchant the ceiling in the great hall to rain vomit down_

'That was horrible,' George said conversationally, dropping his sponge into a bucket.

'I can't believe we're not allowed to wash for a week though,' Fred grumbled; his back aching. 'That seems like a punishment for us _and_ our dorm mates.'

'And we have to clean it up by hand!' George said, exhaling sharply. 'Eugh,' he said.

'What?' Fred grumbled.

'Don't breathe in too sharply!' George grimaced. 'That was nasty!'

* * *

_431. I will not swap the pages from 'Magicke Moste Horrible' with 'The Standard Book Of Spells, Grade 1'_

'Wow,' Fred said, sounding genuine for once.

'That is a lot of first years,' George said, in the same tone.

'Quite,' Dumbledore said, sounding quite as serious. 'And all in the Hospital Wing at once.'

'Yeah, perhaps we should have swapped it with the Standard Book of Spells Grade 5, or 6.'

'That might have ended in less bloodshed, yeah.'

'Still, those kumquat ears are fairly impressive, eh Professor?'

'Hmm,' Dumbledore said, surveying the room. 'You are most fortunate that no-one was seriously harmed. There was some very evil magic in that book.'

'We removed the last ten chapters,' Fred added conversationally. 'They looked particularly gruesome.'

Dumbledore smiled slightly. 'While, as always, I must commend your safety measures, this was more or less inexcusable.'

'Yeah…' George nodded the affirmative. 'But seriously, look at those kumquats!'

* * *

_444. I shall not put up wanted posters with Harry's face on them_

'What we _meant_ was that you're highly desirable, Harry!'

'You put 'Wanted, 20 Galleon award' on a big picture of my face!' Harry scowled. 'And I was continuously picking my nose in that picture!'

'Oh yeah, tricky little glamour there,' Fred snickered. 'We tried for ages to get a picture of you actually picking your nose, but you're surprisingly fastidious about your personal appearance, Harry.'

'Ah, the vanity that comes with fame…' George sighed dramatically.

'You put them up all over Hogsmeade!' Harry said, a dull blush rising in his cheeks. 'In that bloody _Madam Puddifoots!_'

Fred looked a little taken aback. 'So? Didn't figure you for a Puddifoots purveyor.'

Harry looked murderous. 'I was in there with Cho Chang!' He threw himself onto the sofa. 'And if it wasn't going badly enough already, she caught sight of those bloody posters right after she started harping on about Cedric again and she _burst out laughing_.'

Fred and George exchanged dark looks.

'Frankly I preferred the tears,' Harry said thickly, staring into the fire.

'I'm not going to lie to you, Harry, that's probably the funniest result we could have got from this particular prank…' Fred began, very seriously.

'…But we realise the damage done to ego and…how does Lee put it, Fred? George asked delicately.

'Mojo,' Fred replied, nodding slowly.

'Yes, mojo,' George repeated. 'So we'll be willing to do a prank in your favour, if you'd like.'

'What do you mean?' Harry said, looking not at all mollified, rather, he looked mildly scared.

'Well, we could do something embarrassing to her?' Fred offered.

'Or we could exact revenge on someone else for you?' George suggested.

'Nah,' Harry sat up straighter. 'I've got it.'

'What?' they said together.

'Hand yourselves in.'

Fred rolled his eyes. 'I would have expected more, Harry…'

'I'm not finished,' Harry grinned, his eyes sparkling. 'Hand yourselves in….to Snape.'

George grimaced. 'Below the belt, Harry, below the belt…'

* * *

_450. 'Hail Satan 666' is not an appropriate comment to write on Educational Decrees_

'_Hail Satan 666?_' McGonagall screeched. 'In the current political climate, you think it wise -'

'Not wise, funny!'

'_Wise_ – to add _Hail Satan 666_ to that fishwife's educational decrees?'

'Fishwife?' George asked, eyebrow raised. McGonagall scowled at him.

'See, Professor,' Fred began earnestly, 'It was either going to be 'Hail Satan 666' or 'Heil Hitler,' maybe 'Jawhol!'

'Hitler was this bloke who -'

'_I know who Hitler is, you halfwit!'_ McGonagall thundered.

'Oh, good,' Fred said lightly, sitting back in his chair. 'We went for the Satan one because we figured not that many people would know who Hitler was around here.'

'Yeah, since the wizarding world was caught up in old Grindelwald's storm back then.'

McGonagall put her head in her hands. 'I may have to forbid you two from reading anything extracurricular. Or at all. Or from speaking, and maybe moving.'

* * *

_451. Adding peroxide to Snape's shampoo is not big or clever_

'Wow!' Ron exclaimed as Snape billowed into their classroom. He was not the only one.

'Um, Sir?' Pansy Parkinson raised her hand. 'Did you know -'

'Silence, Miss Parkinson!' Snape hissed, before going to the blackboard and twirling his wand so the days' ingredients appeared before them. 'We will be attempting the Confusing Concoction today, and you will be careful not to over-add the Sneezewort, won't you, Longbottom?'

Neville didn't dare to look up. 'Yes Sir,' He said, resolutely staring at his cauldron.

'Professor,' Malfoy began. 'Your hair…'

'Yes, Malfoy, _I am aware,_' Snape hissed.

'Oh,' Malfoy replied, nonplussed.

'Yes,' Snape continued, sounding positively dangerous, 'I _have_ in fact looked into a mirror this morning,' he said, 'and this piece of muggle trickery is not lost on me.'

'Oh bollocks…' Ron said softly beside Harry.

'What?' Hermione whispered from Harry's other side.

'Are you kidding? This smacks of Fred and George!' Ron replied, sounding beaten.

'Weasley!' Snape snarled, pointing his wand at Ron. 'Fifty points from Gryffindor, for talking.'

'For having brothers, more like,' Ron sighed, beginning to weight the scurvy-grass required for the potion.

'It's alright,' Hermione snickered rummaging through her bag; 'Just think what he'll do to them!'

'What, take off more house points?' Harry said gloomily.

'Oh…maybe…' Hermione said, tucking something back between her books. 'But guess who just got a photograph of the 'blondes have more fun' Snape?'

'You could probably sell that to McGonagall and get all the points back!' suggested Seamus, a desk away.

* * *

_452. It is not my job to redistribute confiscated items_

'Oi, you there!' Fred addressed an unfortunately spotty second year girl who was some way away in the corridor. 'You Eloise Midgen?'

'Yes,' she replied, looking apprehensive.

George beamed at her. 'Then I believe this Fanged Frisbee is yours, my dear!' He handed the stunned girl the Frisbee. 'Also, me and my brother are working on this ten second pimple vanisher…come and find us at lunch, eh? We've got the time down to an hour and a half now!'

Fred sidled up to his twin as Eloise hurried off, blushing horribly. 'Did you tell her that the pimples don't exactly vanish yet? Just end up elsewhere on your body?'

'No. But it's better than on her face!' George grinned wickedly. 'Hey, there's Davies. Oi, Davies!'

Roger Davies turned around, several feet away. 'This is your nose-biting teacup, right?'

Davies ambled over to them and looked at the teacup. 'This was confiscated about three years ago,' he said, looking up.

'Yeah, we've decided to liberate all Filch's confiscated items,' Fred said, pulling out pocketfuls of magical toys and tricks. 'They were all labelled; it's easy to find the previous owners.'

'What's this?' Roger said, plucking a pair of antlers from the bag George was holding.

'Oh, those are ours, actually,' Fred said, popping them on his head. 'We charmed them to Pansy Parkinson's head last year. They couldn't get them off for ages.'

This Ever Bouncing Ball is ours too,' George said, sticking his head into the bag. 'Remember when we put it down Oliver's robes and then charmed all the openings closed?'

'Oh yeah,' Fred said vaguely. 'It was bouncing around inside his robes for about an hour.'

'He was covered in bruises when they got it out,' George added conversationally to Roger. 'I think most of these are ours, Fred.'

'Now you mention it, I think you're right. This is the bulbadox powder we put in Kenneth Towler pyjamas.'

'You two are nuts,' Roger stated with confidence, before stalking off down the corridor.

'Fred?' George nudged his twin.

'I'm on it,' Fred said, bewitching the Ever Bouncing Ball to pursue Roger.

* * *

_458. I will not sign Malfoy up for voluntary service with muggles._

'The unbelievable thing is that they made him go, even after they realised the twins were behind it.' Seamus said, brandishing his wand a little too enthusiastically at a pack of exploding snap cards, which, instead of dealing themselves, burst into merrily dancing flames.

'I know. Anyone with half a brain should have known what would happen!' Parvati said scathingly.

'Apparently Professor Burbage assumed he was just an interested student who'd maybe signed up to the class too late and couldn't get in,' Hermione said dispassionately, scratching out sentences in Ron's latest History of Magic Essay.

'Get real, Hermione,' Ron replied, grinning. 'Professor Burbage is an idiot; she had to have known Malfoy would go nuts.'

'To be fair,' Harry commented lightly, adding Hermione's conclusion to his own essay, 'no-one could have known he'd hex them all into Horklumps.'

'Apparently that as an accident,' Lee Jordan said happily. 'He didn't know why he was being summoned to Dufftown and just went berserk at the sign of the muggle sign in desk.'

'I heard Dumbledore's reaction was to ask if he'd fondled the Horklumps,' Lavender grinned. 'Some aunt of his had to call off an engagement 'cause the bloke in question had that unfortunate habit!'

Harry looked disgusted. 'Horklumps?' he asked. 'Those mushroom things?'

'Fondled the living daylights out of them,' Lavender nodded impressively. 'Although Malfoy had no such compulsion.'

'I dunno, I say we spread the rumour that he did,' said a voice from the portrait hole.

'Yeah, it'd make for a good embellishment,' said an identical voice. The group by the fireplace turned to face the twins. 'Brilliant,' Lee grinned.

'Outstanding,' Parvati said admiringly.

'I saw it firsthand – I wouldn't trade that memory for anything,' Neville agreed with a chuckle.

'Horklumps?' Ron said sceptically. 'Did you do that too?'

'Nope,' Fred grinned. 'Reaction was genuine. Just wish I'd seen it too.'

'Don't suppose you'd be willing to donate to a Pensieve, Neville?' George asked. 'It'd make the detention tending to the Greenhouse Horklumps a lot more tolerable…'

* * *

_459. Melons are not to be used for bludger practice in the Great Hall or anywhere else for that matter._

'How many different items have you two used for practice now?' Madam Hooch said airily, heaving the heavy wooden Quidditch crate out of its cupboard.

'Um, we used a house elf once…' Fred said, frowning.

'And we charmed the food at breakfast to _act_ like bludgers,' George added, thinking hard.

'Remember when we put the quaffle charm on the Slytherins and made their benches float?' Fred grinned, nudging his twin, who cracked an identical grin at the memory.

'Hey, the Quidditch game in the Great Hall was a good one too,' Fred said, helping Madam Hooch drag the crate over to where George was sitting in her office.

'I think Professor McGonagall was particularly impressed with this one,' George said easily, hopping down from his chair to kneel next to the crate. 'So what are we doing, Madam Hooch?'

'Well, she was impressed, actually,' Hooch said, a grin pulling at the corners of her mouth. 'So she felt she should come up with a particularly creative punishment.'

The twins' grins faltered a little. 'Oh no,' Fred murmured.

'What now?' George said apprehensively.

'You have to polish the bludgers!' she said brightly. I'm just going to leave now, before you open the crate,' she added, slipping out of the room.

'Polish the bludgers?' George exclaimed to his brother. 'How? How could we possibly?'

Fred shrugged and kicked the crate open so the straining bludgers were visible. 'We're going to get our heads knocked off,' he said sadly. 'And all because a little bit of melon got on McGonagall's robes.'

'It might actually be because one landed in her boiling hot soup, and _that_ got all over her robes,' George said wisely.

'Or because that little one knocked her hat off?'

'Maybe because that big, slightly mushy one hit Snape right in the kisser.'

'I don't know…' Fred grinned. 'I think this punishment might be worth that memory…'

* * *

_474. I will not claim that all reality does not exist, including my homework, because quantum physics is not a legitimate excuse._

'I'm going to have to repeat myself, boys.'

The twins looked askance. 'You're always repeating yourself, Professor.'

'Yes, almost every lecture is the same.'

McGonagall reached for her most worn out quill, the one she reserved for the Weasleys alone, and wrote a short note to Madam Pince.

'You boys are not allowed to do any extra-curricular reading!' She hissed, signing the note and sealing it with her wand. 'No more muggle superstition nonsense, no more Latin phrasebooks, no more looking up archaic charms to bewitch the Ravenclaw doorknocker or to charm music out of people's mouths! And no more quantum _bloody_ mechanics,' she finished, snarling. 'No more learning about things you shouldn't be learning about.'

The twins looked flabbergasted. 'You realise what you've just decreed is the exact opposite of what 'being a teacher' is?' Fred pointed out, fairly.

'Yeah, and how bored exactly do you want us to become? Because we have vast stores of knowledge just waiting to be called into action, even without new research.'

'Yeah, remember that new thing, from yesterday?' Fred nudged his twin.

'Oh yeah, research's completed on that one…' George grinned wickedly.

'Try me,' McGonagall hissed, handing them the note and pointing them towards the library.

She knew Dumbledore would be appalled, would overturn the punishment in a heartbeat, but as it was, the feeling of power was liberating.

She frowned, thinking for a moment, before it hit her. 'Wait a moment!' she cried, dashing out of the office. 'What thing from yesterday? _What thing from yesterday?_'

* * *

A/N: I feel pretty strongly that it's important to tell you that last time me and the birthday girl went out for a night on the town, we spent the entire night inexplicably pretending to be Andromeda and Narcissa Black, and berating strangers for not being purebloods. Never have Jaeger bombs after reading too much of DeepDownSlytherin's 'A Keen Observer.' ANYWAY, review.


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: See chapter one.

A/N: Okay, so again, it's been a sinfully long time since I last updated! University's been taking up a lot of my time – though of course now it's exam season all I want to do is write. So here's the latest! I've been getting a fairly steady stream of reviews lately, which I really want to thank you all for – they've each made it a little easier to get back into fanfiction, and every single one is appreciated. So I'd love you to send me some more! Thanks should also go to LittleWiseWitch, Professor-Evans, and Uchiha Rai for these suggestions. I always need more so keep sending them in!

* * *

_39. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" is only funny the first time._

'Nope.'

'Not even a little bit.'

'I'm not defending you in the slightest.'

'It was just really annoying, guys.'

'But come on!' Fred pleaded, his arms thrown wide to the whole common room.

'It was funny!' George implored.

'No, no it wasn't,' Parvati Patil replied.

'It was terrible,' Katie Bell added.

'I wanted to hex you every time you did it,' Oliver Wood said, his arms crossed.

'I wasn't even going to bother with a wand,' Lee Jordan added. 'I was just going to punch them.'

'But...please?' George asked, eyes wide as they could go.

'Face it,' Hermione said, not looking up from her book. 'Nobody's going to help you write your lines this time.'

'But – but there's _so many_ of them!' Fred wailed, collapsing onto the nearest armchair, which actually wasn't empty and in fact contained a lightly dozing and now highly annoyed Seamus Finnigan.

'Oi!' he yelped as he leapt up, relinquishing the chair to the distraught twin. 'I'm definitely not helping you now,' he blustered.

'Ha,' Ron said, sounding amused. 'You'll have to actually do the lines yourself this time.'

'Not even the first years will help you,' Harry added. 'Ron's told them he'll dock points if they do.'

'They don't seem to have realised that prefects can't dock points,' said Alicia Spinnet. 'And they probably won't believe you even if you tell them otherwise.'

'What did we do to deserve this treatment from our fellows,' George sighed, shaking his head as he perched on the arm of Fred's chair.

'Try not annoying your entire house next time and we'll be nicer,' said a cross sounding Colin Creevey, whose hand was bandaged up. 'Also, I won't be helping with your next punishment either, as my hand is still cramped up from last time,' he huffed, cradling his sore hand gently and glaring at the twins, who had the good decency to look a little ashamed.

'Still, bloody funny, eh?' Fred said brightly.

'No!' the entire common room yelled back at him.

* * *

_258. I will not pay Peeves to rewrite the school-anthem!_

'We figured it would be a general consensus!' Fred exclaimed as he plonked himself down on his usual chair in Dumbledore's office.

'Yeah, nobody likes the original, Sir, let's face it, and you've only had us sing it once in the last five years -'

'Yeah, and who knows how long you went before we came to the school without singing it!' Fred cut George off as his twin became distracted by the antics of Fawkes, who was hopping back and forth on his perch, eyes flicking from one twin to the other. He looked close to a burning day, and it seemed the appearance of the twins was further stress he couldn't handle.

'So you decided to update the song?' Dumbledore asked; his face straight even as his eyes twinkled from beneath his snowy white eyebrows.

'Well, we had Peeves do it,' George shrugged. 'We've got exams, you see.'

Dumbledore snorted, but managed to disguise it as a cough.

'We paid him, actually,' Fred added. 'He doesn't come cheap. You'd think he would, in that he's a poltergeist and doesn't actually need to spend money on anything, but no.'

Anyway, it came out quite a bit differently than we'd imagined.'

'Yeah who knew Peeves had the hots for the Grey Lady?'

'Genuine surprise for us,' Fred grinned. 'Although The Grey Lady's reaction was hilarious.'

'Yeah not sure I've ever seen a ghost trying to kill a poltergeist before.'

'Or a ghost trying to kill anyone, for that matter.'

Dymbledore held up a hand to stop them. 'Yes, that is definitely one for the pensive,' he admitted despite himself. 'But it was still inappropriate and caused embarrassment to a valued resident of the castle – even though she is dead,' he said sternly, writing out a punishment for the troublemaking twins.

'So you're not going to sing it next year?' George implored the headmaster.

'No,' he shook his head. 'But I'll be surprised if Peeves doesn't sing it every Christmas.'

'It is catchy, isn't it?' Fred grinned, accepting the punishment from the Headmaster. He began singing rather tunefully, his brother joining in immediately:

'Ghost of Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts,

You're a great big tease,

We've been here a thousand years,

I've tried dialling back the sleaze.

You're cold as ice

And hot as summer

Why do you ignore me?

It's such a bummer.

I've tried to be cool,

I've ignored all your flaws

So why won't you love me,

Oh ghost of Ravenclaw?'

As the twins left, still singing, Dumbledore caught himself humming along. 'Alas, it does rather stick in your mind,' he muttered, as a shivering and hairless Fawkes joined him in a baleful harmony.

* * *

_321. Making a Polyjuice Potion and walking up to the person I copied to make them act like a human mirror is not funny._

Malfoy stormed down the stairs. 'He's on the Quidditch team!' he exploded. 'Stupid perfect Potter's on the Quidditch team! First years never get on the house teams!' he fumed. 'That McGonagall just let him right on, it's ridiculous…are you two even listening to me?' He turned to glare at Crabbe and Goyle, who'd paused on the stairs behind him.

'Look,' Goyle said, pointing at the corridor ahead of them. 'Whassat?' he said, sounding nonplussed.

'Hey,' Crabbe frowned, squinting at what appeared to be himself and Goyle. But…he and Goyle weren't over there. They were…well, standing on the stairs. He was confused.

'What on earth is going on?' Malfoy asked, following their gaze. 'Bloody hell,' he said, looking shocked for a moment, because Crabbe and Goyle were a

mbling up to Crabbe and Goyle, stopping right in front of them and looking into their eyes quite as crossly as they looked back.

Goyle frowned. So did his mirror image. Crabbe reached out to shove his likeness, only to have his fist connect with his counterpart as he reached out to do the same. Suddenly, the other Goyle began snickering. 'Sorry Fred, I can't keep it in,' he muttered thickly, before exploding in peals of laughter. The other Crabbe rolled his eyes as it dawned on Malfoy what had happened. 'Leg it, mate, he's cottoned on!' he yelled, shoving the real Crabbe out of his way and leaping up the stairs, closely followed by the other Goyle. Malfoy chased after them, all the way up to the seventh floor where, out of breath, he saw Fred and George Weasley, wearing robes far too big for them, jump neatly through the portrait hole which lead to their common room. 'I'm still telling Snape!' he yelled from the corridor, bright red and fuming, and wondering why on earth Crabbe and Goyle hadn't followed him.

Back in the Slytherin common room, Crabbe and Goyle had settled next to the fire and were tucking into a few chocolate frogs. 'Mirror, d'you reckon?' Crabbe said, eyes screwed up in concentration.

'Yeah prob'ly,' Goyle agreed, having already kind of forgotten what they were talking about.

* * *

_467. Shouting 'constant vigilance' at first years as a warning before hexing them is not acceptable_

'Thing was, they were first years, so they probably didn't even get the reference,' Hermione said matter of factly. 'Moody never taught them! They've only had Umbridge!'

'Moody never taught anyone,' Harry reminded her, crossing out a sentence on Bowtruckle husbandry that he'd just got disastrously wrong. 'Bowtruckles like woodlice, right? Not headlice?'

Ron snorted while Hermione nodded.

'Crouch, I mean. My point still stands.'

'Yeah but that kind of relentless logic has never stopped them before, has it?' shrugged Ron, who was absentmindedly doodling a picture of a bowtruckle on a spare bit of parchment. 'What did they actually do to them?'

'Oh nothing drastic,' Hermione said. 'Padma Patil was on Prefect duty in the corridor at the time and saw the whole thing. She told me there was a Jelly Legs incident and a Bat Bogey Hex before she could intervene.'

'Blimey, she's brave,' Ron said, as he realised his drawing had somehow partially taken up a corner of Harry's essay.

'Yes, well we can't all be the most apathetic Prefects in the school,' Hermione rolled her eyes while Ron tried valiantly to Vanish the doodle without Harry noticing. 'Apparently they got pulled up by Flitwick though, as it was the charms corridor.'

'Really?' Harry looked impressed. 'Not sure I've ever heard of Flitwick doling out a punishment that would particularly bother Fred and George.'

'Not when they have their vast armies of paid lines writers, eh?' Ron snickered, resorting to trying to smudge the drawing away with his thumb.

'He's making them be crash test dummies for his first year charms class for the next week!' Hermione grinned. 'All the first years get to test out their charms skills on them!'

'They're going to be in the hospital wing so much this week,' Ron beamed, looking positively delighted.

'Yeah, what d'you think has taken so long?' came Fred's grumpy voice from the portrait hole. 'Had to go and get our ears stuck back on, didn't we?'

'Not that it worked,' George added, sounding annoyed. 'Pomfrey accidentally put mine on Fred and Fred's on me. Have to go back tomorrow she says.'

'Why is it always ears that seem to get the brunt of magical mishaps?' Ron wondered aloud.

'Um, more importantly, why is there half a smudgy bowtruckle drinking butterbeer and waving at me in the corner of my essay?' Harry asked, finally noticing Ron's masterpiece.

'Ah, sorry mate, best have Hermione sort it out,' Ron said, leaning back in his armchair to watch the twins stomp upstairs, each rubbing their mismatched ears.

* * *

_480. I will not refer to Hagrid as the BFG, even if I think he secretly likes it._

'It does suit him though, Professor,' Fred said earnestly. 'I mean, come on.'

'BFG…Big Friendly Giant…' George added. 'We could call him the Big Friendly Half-Giant, but that seems a bit personal.'

'Yeah, plus BFHG doesn't really roll off the tongue the same way,' Fred shrugged.

McGonagall simply watched, as she was sure this would go on further.

'Maybe BLH?' George suggested.

'What that?' asked his twin.

'Big Lovely Hagrid, obviously,' George grinned. 'That doesn't say anything about his parentage, if that was the issue, Professor,' he said, sparing her a glace. 'Although I happen to think us labelling this particular bloke who's, you know, part giant as friendly might make the bias wear off a bit!'

'Yes, really this was a positive political message,' Fred said, before adding 'What about TER?' Tall Excellent Rubeus?'

'They're all good, brother,' George nodded fervently. 'And what's more, Professor M, I think he actually appreciated it!'

'Once we'd explained it of course,' Fred added. 'HFB? Huge Fantastic Bloke?'

'That muggle section of the library is excellent, by the way,' George remarked kindly to McGonagall.

'We've learned a lot more there than in our muggle studies class. Dad will be thrilled! Oh, what about LTAG? Larger Than Average Guy?'

'Dad does always appreciate the muggle themed jokes,' Fred grinned. 'JOLL? Jolly Old Long Legs?'

'NLM? Nice Large Man?'

'HTBWLH? Hagrid's Tall But We Like Him?'

SWIHHGWDC? So What If He's Half Giant, We Don't Care?'

'WDBYABSWBHABH? We Don't Bug You About Being Short, Why Bug Him About Being Huge?

'HMBFAILH? Hagrid's My Best Friend And I Love Him?'

Please, please stop. Please.' McGonagall cut in. 'Please,' she said again. 'However positively you may have meant the term, the fact remains that you're supposed to call a teacher by their given name, not by your own made up term of endearment -'

'Actually it was a bloke called Dahl -'

'I don't care,' McGonagall held up her hand to stop him. 'It's also highly annoying and you just spent fifteen minutes turning my brain to mush with your inane reasoning behind it. So I think that's at least worth a detention.'

The twins' faces fell a little.

'However, Hagrid has requested that you serve the detention with him,' McGonagall said grudgingly, as the twins' face lit up again. 'He'll probably want to hear the rest of those names, too.'

* * *

_481. Dressing up as the Grinch and stealing the Hogwarts Christmas trees is not, in any sense, amusing._

'Why are you bright green?' Ron suspiciously asked the twins, who were huddled in a corner of the common room trying to look inconspicuous.

'Transfiguration spell gone wrong,' Fred said easily. 'Shouldn't you be in bed?'

'Yeah Ron, it's awfully late,' George added. Ron scowled.

'I'm waiting for Padma Patil to get back to Parvati about coming with me to the Yule Ball,' he admitted.

'You asked her sister if you could go with her?' George asked, confused.

'No,' Ron crossed his arms. 'Harry did.'

Fred barely disguised his snort as a tickly cough. 'Well, who could refuse an offer like that? Just head on up to bed, she'll get back to you in the morning.'

'Are you trying to get me out of the way?' Ron asked, uncrossing his arms.

'No. We're concerned for you!' George insisted.

'Plus we're about to set off some dungbombs,' Fred added.

'Why?' Ron asked, rubbing his eyes. He was quite tired, actually.

'We haven't done anything interesting in a while,' George shrugged.

Ron yawned. 'I wouldn't call dungbombs interesting, but alright,' he said blearily, heading towards the boys' staircase.

'Excellent,' George whispered as Ron disappeared. They took off their cloaks to reveal their Grinch like clothing underneath and snuck out of the common room door. The Fat Lady, by now quite used to the twins sneaking out after hours, merely chuckled and made to follow them through the castle's portrait network.

As they came to the Great Hall, they took in the twelve great Christmas trees and cracked identical, evil grins.

'What have you planned for this year, boys?' asked the Fat Lady, who'd squeezed into a portrait of an old, heavily moustachioed wizard just inside the entrance hall, who woke up from a deep slumber when her voice cut through the night.

'Ever heard of Doctor Seuss?' George asked her, sticking his head round the door to see her.

'No,' the Fat Lady said as the wizard beside her tried to elbow her out of his frame, before realising that she could clearly hold her own against him.

'Well you're about to!' Fred said, whipping out his wand and casting a shrinking charm on the first of the twelve trees. ''Cause Fred and George are about to steal Christmas!'

* * *

_482. I will not attempt to convince Professor Snape and Harry Potter they are father and son in ANY WAY._

'Freddie, Freddie, Freddie,' George shook his head benignly. 'I think he's trying to tell us something here you know.'

'Hmm?' Fred said, looking up from his task. 'Oh. Yeah, George, you're probably right. Maybe that we should leave him alone for a bit?'

'Yeah, I think that's the gist of it,' George nodded seriously.

'Think we should though?' Fred asked him, raising an eyebrow.

'Nah,' George shrugged. 'I think I'd miss this,' he said, gesturing to the rows of jars of liquid and the small dead creatures they were pickling for Snape as a punishment. 'You know, they're like old friends now.'

'You do know you you're pickling little effigies of Snape instead of the dead rates and stuff we've got here?' Fred asked his twin, sounding only mildly interested.

'Yeah,' George said just as mildly. 'I'll stick the rats in behind him.'

'I can't believe you!' Fred said, shaking his head. 'How come you never gave me any?' he said, annoyed, reaching for a handful of the little Snape dolls to stick in his own jars. 'Honestly, call yourself a partner in crime…'

'Sorry bro,' George said, smiling as he tucked another little Snape figure in with a ready-to-be-pickled toad. 'Yeah, I think I'd miss this if we ever stopped.'

* * *

_489. It is frowned upon to send howlers to students, pretending to be their parents._

'What's for breakfast then, lads?' Fred said cheerily, sliding onto the bench next to Ron.

'Kippers? Porridge? Marmalade?' George rolled the 'ar' sound around in his mouth a lot longer than he needed to. 'Maaaarmalade,' he said again, just for fun, as he plonked himself across from his twin, next to Hermione. 'See for yourself,' she said from behind her copy of _Travelling with Trolls_.

'Sorry, bit distracted this morning,' George said, reaching for some toast but knocking over the ketchup because he was looking at the ceiling. 'Post not been yet?'

'Why?' Ron asked warily. 'What have you done?'

'Nothing!' Fred scoffed. 'Why do you always jump to that conclusion, little bro?'

'Because I'm your little bro,' Ron rolled his eyes. 'And it's not jumping. I looked around, and the conclusion was staring me in the face.'

'Here they come,' said Harry, pointing to the open windows where the post owls were streaming in. 'Blimey, there's lots today, aren't there!' Even as he said it, he spotted the bright red envelopes tied to almost all of the owls.

'You have to be joking!' Hermione exclaimed, finally emerging from behind Lockhart's masterpiece of literature. 'They can't all be Howlers?'

'Don't be so sure, Hermione!' Fred grinned, looking pleased. They all watched as the first owl found its owner. Apprehensively, the young Ravenclaw opened the letter which had begun to smoke, the way Howlers do, and explosive shouting suddenly filled the hall. The words, however, were indistinguishable from the hundred or so other letters being opened or simply exploding on their own, the loud admonishments echoing off the walls and bouncing around the Great Hall until absolutely nothing could be heard over the din. Teachers had risen, of course, but there was simply no point in doing anything until the cacophony was over, and one by one, the shouting died down until there was just one, particularly loud lecture still ranting away at the Slytherin table, a red faced Malfoy seething at the parchment in front of him.

'_AND FRANKLY, YOU'RE A BIT OF AN ENTITLED GIT, SON!_' it finished; silence finally falling on everyone's ringing ears.

Suddenly, McGonagall had appeared at the Gryffindor table. 'I'm going to go ahead and assume this was your work,' she snapped at the twins.

'Well yeah, Professor. People always get such a slagging for getting a Howler, like our little brother here -' Fred slung an arm around Ron '- the other day, that we thought we'd teach everyone a lesson!'

'How many Howlers have you had?' McGonagall said, rubbing her ears to try and get rid of the ringing. 'Just out of interest.'

'At least three a year since second year,' George supplied. 'In first year we got about seven!'

'Yeah, before mum realised that it wasn't worth doing the charm so often. Which we understand now, having done it a hundred times on letters shouting generic insults to a quarter of the school population,' Fred said thoughtfully, as McGonagall rolled her eyes.

* * *

_490. I will not claim to have lost my memory and re-break several pre-broken rules._

'It was Ron's defective wand!' Fred said defensively. 'He hit us with a memory spell too!'

'Yeah mum, the wand that he broke when he stole dad's car, remember that mum? Maybe you should tell him off for that again,' George added, inclining his head towards his brother, who was innocently saying goodbye to Harry and Hermione a little way along the platform. Molly Weasley did not look impressed. 'Thirty four letters this year, and this one just takes the cake!' she huffed. 'Honestly, claiming you lost your memory? Bad enough. But repeating almost every so-called-prank you've pulled this year? I don't know what I'm going to do with you!'

'Really boys,' Arthur chimed in, almost by default. 'You should know better.'

'You told more first years that Hagrid's dog was a hellhound,' Molly read from an exceptionally long letter held in front of her for the twins to see. Passers by kept having to jump over the parchment trailing on the floor, and in the distance, Vernon and Petunia Dursley were eyeing them with a look of deepest disgust. 'You hung another – piñata, is it - from the Whomping Willow too!'

'Yeah, nobody really went near it this time though,' George said, shrugging. 'You win some, you lose some.' Arthur bit his lip, looking almost amused. Molly was fuming.

'And you threw another of Hermione's books out of the window?' Molly crossed her arms, finally lowering the long list of repeated offences.

'Actually it was more than one.'

'More like a whole book bag actually, this time.'

'See, we shook it up a little.'

Mrs Weasley rolled her and pointed towards the general direction of the exit. 'Honestly, if you two can't think of something better to do with your time at school, I'll – I'll – I'll get Charlie to set a dragon on you both!' she blustered, bumping into to Petunia Dursley in her haste to leave. 'Oh, goodbye, Harry dear, have a good summer,' she smiled warmly at him before beaming at his aunt and uncle. 'Hello,' she said benignly.

'Dragons,' Vernon muttered as he shoved Harry between them. 'Nutters, the lot of you,' he said under his breath as he ushered his wife away from the Weasleys. Dudley gulped several times before joining them, scowling, as Harry grinned and waved goodbye as he joined them.

'See, mum, we could be worse,' Fred said, watching Vernon shuffle away. 'Bet you feel a lot better about us now, eh?' Molly scowled, as her sons beamed at her.

* * *

_492. I am not allowed to create a Harry Potter cheering squad._

Harry rolled his eyes. It was about the seventy-fourth time he'd done it that day and was actually beginning to give him a headache.

'Not again, please!' Hermione implored.

'Yeah, what is the deal with this anyway?' Ron frowned. 'It's just kind of…weird.'

Harry shook his head in a kind of quiet desperation. 'You have no idea how many times I've asked that question today - but they just keep popping up, don't they?'

The poppers-up in question were in fact a small group of Hogwarts house-elves, currently at the 'Give me a 'Y!'' part of their Harry Potter cheer.

'Aw come on, it's sweet!' Fred grinned.

'Sweet this morning, yeah, when I came down to breakfast and Umbridge was mad about the Quibbler thing and the house-elves all cheered me on, sure,' Harry agreed. 'But now, it's many, many hours later. And they just keep coming back.'

'And we have studying to do, you know!' Hermione said indignantly. 'We've got OWLs this year!'

'Wow, Hermione,' George looked aghast. 'It's only March.'

'Yeah, relax a little. If you've got time to be organizing secret defence clubs and clandestine meetings with reporters then you've got time to cheer on your best mate.'

'Come on though,' Ron shook his head. 'It's getting old.'

'Fine, oh ye of little humour,' George sighed, holding up his hands in defeat. 'We'll call them off.'

'Thank you!' The trio said in one jubilant voice.

'But this is gonna be your birthday present for literally as long as we can make the house-elves do it,' Fred grinned.

'I suppose we'd better get working on SPEW then, eh Hermione?' Ron said, smiling at her. 'Those house-elves aren't going to free themselves!'

Hermione beamed at him, and he beamed back.

'Oi!' Harry's harsh voice interrupted their moment. 'I thought you said you were going to call them off!'

* * *

A/N: Reviews are always welcome and often necessary!


	16. 493 Other rules, please suggest more!

A/N: I am aware that there are several rule duplicates. This is because people sometimes send me in suggestions I've already got and I just paste them to the end. This is a completely enormous list, which one day I might get round to tidying up, but for now I just don't have the time, sorry!

Additional A/N: It's come to my attention that people might just be reading this part of the fic! Please remember there are fifteen chapters of actual storytelling before the list! Read and review!

The ones I have used are written in _**Bold Italics.**_

Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts

1. I will not poke Hufflepuff's with spoons, nor will I insist that their house colours indicate that they are "covered in bees".  
2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class  
3. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".  
4. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.  
5. Putting up Doug Henning posters in Filch's office is not appropriate.  
6. I will not go to class skyclad.  
7_**. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.  
8. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore".  
9. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".  
**_10. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.  
_**11. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw the Dark Mark on their arm.  
12. House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.  
**_13. Staring a betting pool on the fate of this years DADA teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept._  
_14. I will not start every potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.  
15. "Liften Separatis Crotchum" is not a real spell.  
16. I will not claim Chick Tracts are an accurate presentation of Muggle life.  
17. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms"._  
_18. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".  
_**19. I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".**_  
20. I will not call the DADA teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.  
21. There is no such thing as a were-thylacine.  
22. I will not provide Luna Lovegood with Coast-to-Coast AM transcripts.  
_**23. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.**_  
24. I will not place anything by Silver Ravenwolf on the library shelves.  
_**25. Tricking the school house elf into stripping does not mean they are now mine even if I yell "Owned!"**_  
26. I am not a sloth Animagus.  
27. I am not a tribble Animagus.  
_**28. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or a piranha.**__  
_29. I do not weigh the same as a duck.  
30. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.  
31. I do not have a Dalek Patronus._  
_32. I will not lick Trevor.  
33. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.  
_**34. The Ravenclaws are not "Mentals in training".**__  
_35. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazghul is coincidental.  
_**36. I will not change the password to the prefect's bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".**_**  
**_**37. There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.  
**_38. Professor Flitwick does not wish to be addressed as "Admiral Naismith".  
_**39. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" is only funny the first time.**_  
40. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.  
41. I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas.  
42. "42″ is not the answer to every question to the O.W.L.s._**  
**_43. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.  
44. I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters._**  
**_45. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl._**  
**_46. I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine"._  
_47. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.  
48. I will not teach the first-years to sing "A Wizard's Staff Has A Knob On The End".  
49. If Ginny Weasley wanted to borrow my Darkover books, she would have said so already.  
_**50. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.**__  
_51. I will not go to meals dressed as Choda Boy.  
52. Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetics Corp.  
53. I will not draw an "H" on Percy Weasley's forehead._  
_54. My name is not Captain Subtext.  
55. Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab does not sell potions ingredients and I will not resell their products as "Veela Pheromones".  
56. I will not refer to Kingsley Shacklebolt as a "Big Black Sex Auror".  
57. I cannot Hadoken anything into oblivion.  
58. Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.  
_**59. I am not the Defence Against the Boring Classes Professor.**_  
60. I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.  
_**61. It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I  
should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the  
result would be.**_**  
**_**62. Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labelled "Firewhiskey".**_  
63. Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not  
permitted on school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes.  
64. First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.  
_**65. A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I become.**__  
_66. It is inappropriate to slip sample bottles of Selsun Blue into Professor Snape's personal post-box.  
67. I will stop referring to Hufflepuff's as "cannon fodder"._  
_68. I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.  
_**69. First-years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.**_  
70. Novelty or holiday themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.  
_**71. I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin house mascot.**_  
72. When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good v. Evil, I  
will not lift my wand skyward and shout "There can be only ONE!".  
73. I should not refer to DADA professors as "canaries in the coal mine".  
74. I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life." to Lord Voldemort.  
_**75. I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.**_**  
**_**76. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth house at Hogwarts.  
And I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.**__  
_77. I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force".  
78. Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster", not "My Liege".  
_**79. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I foresaw her death.  
80. I will not use Slytherin first years as Christmas decorations.**__  
_81. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.  
82. If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling "It Does  
DEATH!" may be correct but it is not the manner in which one should  
answer.  
_**83. I am not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here.**_  
84. I am not allowed to lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet to see if hot gay sex will occur.  
85. Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying "The library is closed for and indefinite time period" amusing in any sense.  
86. I will not attempt to recreate the Key to Time in Transfiguration class.  
87. A time turner is not a flux capacitor, and I should therefore not install one in any Muggle cars.  
_**88. I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors.**__  
__**89. I will not charm Hermione's time turner to rotate every half-hour.**_  
_**90. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.**_  
91. I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos".  
92. When being interrogated by a member of the staff, I am not to wave my  
hand and announce "These are not the droids you are looking for".  
93. I am not a member of the Spanish Inquisition.  
94. Albus Dumbledore is not my personal Jesus.  
_**95. I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.**__  
__**96. I will not follow potions instructions in reverse order just to see what  
happens.**__  
_97. I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts: A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins.  
98. "OMGWTF" is not a spell.  
99. I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.  
_**100. I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.**_  
101. I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbott and Justin Finch-Fletchley as Blossom, Buttercup, and Bubbles.  
102. I will not cast the occasional Obliviate spell on Dumbledore, even if it would be amusing.  
103. I am not allowed to give the Gryffindors Pixie Stix.  
104. I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and take bets on who will come out alive.  
105. I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him they are real animals.  
106. I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.  
107. I will not sing The Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches.  
108. I will not tell first years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.  
109. I will not douse Harry Potter's Invisibility Cloak with lemon juice to  
see if he will become visible wearing it and standing near the fire in  
the common room.  
110. I will not tell first years that Moon Prism Power is a basic Transfiguration spell.  
111. I will not yell "Believe it… or not!" after any of Dumbledore's speeches.  
_**112. Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.**__  
__**113. My name is not "The Dark Lord Happy-Pants" and I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.**_  
114. There is no such thing as the Chamber of Double Secret Probation.  
115. I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow Peeps.  
_**116. I will never ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling.**_  
117. Voldemort is not Ganandorf, and the Triforce is not hidden in Hogwarts.  
118. I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rock series during Arithmancy exams.  
119. I will not charm the suits of armour to do a rendition of "Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas feast.  
120. I will not call Professor McGonagall "McGoogles".  
121. I am not allowed to make lightsaber sound with my wand.  
122. "Draco Malfoy Takes it Up The Arse" is not an acceptable Quidditch chant.  
_**123. I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.**__  
_124. I will not wear my DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT! shirt to school.  
125. I am not allowed to re-enact famous battles of the Revolutionary War in the charms corridor.  
_**126. I am not allowed to declare an official Hug A Slytherin Day.**__  
_127. I am not allowed to introduce myself to the first years as Tim the Enchanter.  
128. I am not Xena: Warrior Princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance into any classroom.  
129. I will not try and start Naked Thursdays in the Common Room.  
_**130. It is not necessary for me to yell "BAMF!" every time I Apparate.  
131. I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways.**_  
132. I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways.  
133. I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes".  
134. I will not teach the first years to play "The Penis Game" in the Great Hall during dinner.  
135. I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue.  
136. I will not organize a Hogwarts Fight Club.  
_**137. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.**__  
_138. I will not tell the first years that Professor Snape is the Voice of God.  
139. I will not dress up in a Dementor suit and use a Dustbuster on Harry's lips to get him to do what I want.  
140. I will not start food fights in the Great Hall.  
141. I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.  
_**142. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.**_  
_**143. I will not sing "We're off to see the wizard" when sent to the Headmaster's office.**_  
144. The Whomping Willow is not an Entwife.  
145. It is not necessary to yell "Burn!" every time Snape takes points from Gryffindor.  
146. "Y'all check this-here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce  
that you are about to perform an experimental spell.  
147. I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout "I have the power!"  
148. I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet.  
149. I will not tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights Who Say Ni have challenged  
him to a duel and then have students yell "Ni" from various directions.

_**150. Getting everyone in the Great Hall to do the Time Warp will not earn me any house points.**_

_**151. I will not teach the front doors to recognise Filch and not let him in.**_

152. I will not give Voldemort a toupee to hide his baldness.

153. I am not allowed to tell first years that there is a playground in the forbidden forest.

_**154. Giving Professor Snape a ton tongue toffee is unacceptable.**_

155. Singing 'pop goes the weasel' when Professor Dumbledore is giving a speech is not permitted.

_**156. I will not introduce Slytherins to 'my pet dog Fluffy,' no matter how tempting it is.**_

_**157. Shouting 'How COULD you betray me like that?' whenever Snape removes house points is forbidden.**_

_**158. I will not steal veritaserum from Snape's store and add some to the teacher's morning tea.**_

159. I will not tell Snape he needs to go to his 'happy place'

_**160. I must not convince first years that the new password to Gryffindor tower is 'Petrificus Totalus' and must be said with their wands pointed at themselves.**_

_**161. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that my teacup says she's lying.**_

162. I am not allowed to dress up like Neville's grandmother when going to a Halloween party in Snape's dungeon.

_**163. The forbidden forest is forbidden because it contains werewolves and acromantula, not because there is a secret cave with the answers to every test, and I should refrain from telling the first years that there is.**_

164. A bludger is not a bowling ball, and Professor Snape is not a bowling pin. I will not attempt to prove otherwise.

_**165. I will not tie-dye all of the owls. **_

166. I will not shave Mrs. Norris

167. The house elves are not there to do my homework

168. There is no bring a muggle to school day

_**169. I must stop telling 1st years about the time the Hogwarts Christmas tree ate a student**_

170. I must not throw Mrs Norris out windows

_**171. Telling Draco Malfoy to 'Make like a ferret and bounce' is always a bad idea.**_

_**172. I will not start singing and dancing in the middle of a class and blame that someone put the Imperious Curse on me.**_

_**173. I must not throw Hermione's Hogwarts: A History out the window and then claim that it wanted freedom.**_

_**174. I must not leave shampoo on Professor Snape's desk with directions on how to use it.**_

**_175. I will not tell first years that the best way to study is to stay up all night balancing your textbook on your _head, as gravity will cause the information to sink through the skull and into the brain.**

176. I will not take a hippogriff to the Summer Olympics to get an unfair advantage at the Equestrian competitions

_**177. I will not use magic to change test questions into those I can answer**_

_**178. The proper way to report to my Teacher is "Yes, Sir" not "You can't prove a thing!"**_

179. A hug is not all Snape needs

_**180. When I see Professor Umbridge, I will not say, "There you are, Trevor. Neville has been looking all over for you."**_

181. I will not tell Snape he is emo/goth just because he likes wearing black.  
_**182. Harry Potter is not my 'Protection Shield' to carry around to ward off evil.**_  
183. I will not introduce Peeves to IM.  
184. I will not introduce Snape to IM.  
_**185. I will not tell McGonagall that she is bad luck because she can turn into a cat.**_  
186. I will not introduce Peeves to a T.V.  
187. I will not tell Filch that he needs to bathe once in a while.  
_**188. I won't sign my homework as 'Snaperdoodle'**_  
189. When answering questions in Snape's class, I won't finish my sentences saying: 'dear Snaperdoodle'.  
_**190. I will not hand out slips of papers asking students to answer the following question: Do you think Snape is evil?**_  
191. I will not make a 'Too sexy for my shirt' slideshow full of Snape pictures and show it during all of my classes.  
_**192. I will not tell the first years, who are waiting to be sorted, that in order to be sorted, you must confess your deepest secrets aloud while wearing the hat.**_

_**193. The "I Hate Snape" Club is not a valid after-class activity.**_**  
**_**194. Making Harry Potter action figures without his permission is wrong.**_  
195. I will not tell Grawp that "Hermy" will give him a kiss if he eats certain  
members of the faculty

_**196. I will not charm Firenze pink and call him "my little pony."**_  
_**197. I will not "borrow" a prefects' badge for Peeves.**_  
198. I will not attempt to set up a satellite dish on the Astronomy Tower  
_**199. There is no Interpretive Dance course offered at Hogwarts, and I should stop  
signing up for it every year.**_**  
**_**200. Yes, the Great Hall is extremely large, but Quidditch is an outside sport.**_  
201. I will not demonstrate how to juggle using two Bludgers and the Snitch

202. I will not enter the great Hall running and yelling "We're gonna Die" each time Snape comes to a meal.  
203. I will not make farm animal noises in the back of Care for Magical creatures  
204. I will not tell first years that divination is their 5th sense  
205. Looking after a virtual pet is not a way to gain extra marks in care for magical creatures.  
206. In the annual battle between death eaters and Hogwarts I will not sing "99 death eaters alive in the war, 99 death eaters alive. You shoot a spell they hit the ground. 98 deaths eaters alive in the war" as we fight.  
207. Harry does not wish to wear a tutu to lunch and I should not make him.  
208. I will not put black circles over Harry's lenses and tell him he has gone blind. No matter how funny it could get.  
209. I will not sing "ebony and Ivory" whenever I see Dean and Seamus together.  
_**210. I will not tell first years Fang is a hell hound.**_  
_**211. I will not post notices in common rooms saying that tomorrow is a theme day,  
wear a costume. Even if it may be vegetable day.**_  
212. "Another one bites the dust" is not a song to sing during Quidditch matches.

213. The first few lines of Mama by MCR is not the best song to be singing during first year sorting.  
214. I will not tell students singing the fat Albert theme song is a way to gain extra points on potions  
215. I will not laugh at Sirius if he changes his middle name to 'Lee'.

216. I will not laugh at Lupin's 'time of the month'.

_**217. I will not offer Crabbe and Goyle a cupcake with Veritaserum.**_

218. I will not make fun of Harry and his 'Potter Senses Tingling'.  
219. I am not allowed to re-enact famous battles of the Revolutionary War in the charms corridor  
220. I will not cast 'Petrificus Totalus' on myself in order to avoid going to classes.

_**221. I am not allowed to organize a witch burning, even if I have been assigned to do a presentation on Muggle history in my Muggle Studies class.**_  
_**222. All's fair in love and war" is not an official rule of Hogwarts  
223. I will not attempt to confuse Crabbe and Goyle by calling them by each other's names.**_  
224. Even if I myself to do not believe in it, I will respect that the school observes daylight savings time.

225. Watching "The Food Network" is not equivalent to sitting NEWT-level Potions classes.  
226. Mr. Weasley's flying car is not to be taken apart piece by piece and rebuilt inside Snape's classroom  
_**227. I will not tell the Ravenclaws that they're basically useless because Hogwart's smartest student is in another house**_  
_**228. It is not appropriate trade first years between houses.  
229. I will not tell first years that "any true wizard or witch" can see Thestrals, and that if they can't they "obviously aren't cut out for this school".  
**_230. Draco Malfoy is not the secret identity of "Ferret Boy".  
231. I will not attempt to determine whether Malfoy is a natural blond.  
232. The song "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead" is never, ever appropriate.  
233. "Springtime for Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.  
234. I will stop pasting happy face stickers on Snape's office door  
235. Hagrid's skin is not green and I should stop calling him 'The Jolly Green Giant.'  
236. Breaking into song during Potions class is not acceptable  
237. Teaching first years to chorus in unison "The amazing bouncing ferret" whenever they hear the name Draco Malfoy is just wrong, funny, but wrong.  
_**238. Bungee jumping off the astronomy tower is against the rules, even if it isn't written anywhere.**_  
239. Yelling BOO! at Professor Moody is not wise.  
_**240. I am not allowed to use the superglue spell to stick Harry and Draco's hands together**_  
241. I will not sing "Defying Gravity" during Quidditch practice.  
242. Saying the Dark Mark should be the Slytherin Crest is wrong.

243. I will not sweep the Gryffindor common room with Harry Potter's prized Firebolt.  
244. It is wrong to refer to Aragog as "Charlotte".  
_**245. I will not swap Draco's broom with one out of Filch's broom cupboard.**_  
246. I will no longer wear a hood, walk up to Harry, and claim to be his real father.  
_**247. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.**_  
248. I am to stop asking Professor Snape to Yule Ball.  
249. Mad-Eye Moody knows his eye is creepy, he does not need to be told... again.  
250. Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. Do not treat them as such.  
_**251. I am not allowed to predict the end of the world more than once**_.  
252. I will stop substituting Professor Lupin's Wolfsbane with Polyjuice Potion containing hairs from Mrs. Norris.  
_**253. Regardless of the beautiful irony, I will not hang a tempting piñata from the Whomping Willow.  
254. I will not attempt to graft a transplant from the Whomping Willow onto the Hogwarts Christmas Tree in Herbology class.**_  
255. I will not try to make a new basilisk for the Chamber of Secrets  
256. I am not to refer to the Potions classroom as "Kitchen Stadium".  
_**257. "Potter 6, Voldemort 0″, is not a valid T-shirt slogan  
258. I will not pay Peeves to rewrite the school-anthem!**_  
259. If Lupin requests something of me, it is considered very rude to refuse by replying, "Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!"  
260. Telling Umbridge cardigans are so 1994 will get you in trouble.  
261. I must never tell Ron he looks like a puffer fish.  
_**262. I am not allowed to sing "Holding Out For A Hero" whenever Harry Potter enters the room.**_  
_**263. Putting fake spiders around Ron's bed isn't funny. Especially when he tries to jump out of the window.**_  
264. It probably isn't smart to ask Draco Malfoy if his hair glows in the dark.  
_**265. No matter how cool it sounds I will not release pixies into the school - it will just end badly.**_

_**266. I will not use muggle hair dye to dye Draco Malfoy's hair red.  
267. It is not a good idea to charm the furniture in the potions classroom to be pink and fluffy.**_  
268. I will not owl Voldemort a bottle of anti-depressants.  
269. I will not make Snape an appointment with a muggle psychiatrist.  
270. It is not a good idea to ask Snape if he is off his medication when he is angry. Or ever.

271. After using the hair dye on Malfoy, I will not attempt to claim him as the long missing Weasley brother.  
_**272. I will not tell the first years that it is customary to dye their hair in their house colours for their first day of lessons.**_  
_**273. A lightning bolt tattoo is NOT the 'Light Mark'.**_  
274. Selling memorabilia with photographs of the 'ferret incident' is not allowed.  
_**275. There is no annual 'Dress Like Dumbledore' day.**_

276. I will not re-enact Harry Potter Puppet Pals in the Great Hall.  
277. I will not write all my essays in red ink claiming it is blood.  
278. I am not allowed to wear Death Eater robes to dinner and shout Long live Lord Voldemort because I think it's funny.  
_**279. I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.  
280. I may not speak Latin in front of the books.**_  
281. I may not mock Professor Umbridge in front of the press.  
282. I am not possessed by the ghost of Lady Macbeth  
283. Neville is not my valet.  
_**284. There is no "open-mic night" at Hogwarts**_

285. It is not a good idea to give Malfoy a "love note" from Ginny and vice versa,  
286. It is not a good idea to show the notes to Pansy Parkinson and Daphne Greengrass  
287. It is a horrible idea to introduce "colour war" to Hogwarts with Slytherin as green, Hufflepuff as yellow, Gryffindor as red and Ravenclaw as blue.  
288. On no circumstances can you introduce rabid fan girls to Harry potter.  
289. You must not mix Ravenclaws with muggle geeks or Slytherins with popular people that are muggles. Or Blair Waldorf.

290. I am not to make a waterfall in the astronomy tower so I can surf down after class.  
291. I am not allowed to change the Slytherin banner in the Great Hall to a pink and blue banner with a teddy bear on it.  
_**292. Easter in Hogwarts is not to be celebrated by releasing hordes of pink rabbits and making the first years chase them.**_

293. I am not God.  
294. Professor Dumbledore is not God.  
295. Despite being near-omniscient, Professor McGonagall is not God.  
296. Neither is Harry Potter.  
_**297. I am not the founder of a new religion, in which Snape is the devil and Weasleys are the chosen people and are to lead the followers to the light.**_  
298. I cannot make the followers of Weasleyity have red hair and freckles.  
299. The Thriller is not the school dance.

300. I may not borrow an extra wand and watch DRUMLINE too many times. The results are too unpredictable, and Professor Flitwick would like his nose back some day.

301. I will never ask Draco if he's ever "gotten in Crabbe or Goyle's pants." With or without his being a ferret.

302. Not only is it a bad idea to mix potions and nitro-glycerine together, it is also dangerous.  
303. Sending insulting owls to the American ministry and signing 'Cornelius Fudge' at the end will not entitle you any laughs or sympathy.  
304. Singing a song about Umbridge being a 'censored' may be funny, but it is insulting.  
305. It is not the best idea to hand in nitro-glycerine and call it your potions homework. We told you it was dangerous already.

_**306. It is inappropriate to send Binns an invitation to his own memorial service.**_  
307. I will not transfigure good-looking students of the opposite sex's clothing into skimpy swimwear. Nor to any of the teachers.  
_**308. I will not hex the Slytherin's benches to fly around the great hall while they are eating.  
309. Changing the slips that are passed out at the end of term to say, 'Practising magic during the holidays is encouraged, please try to hex at least five muggles' is immature and a really bad idea.**_

310. Just because it was funny to have the school do the Time Warp, I will not teach them how to do the Soulja Boy dance.

311. Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera.  
_**312. Throwing Mrs. Norris at the Whomping Willow is not nice.**_  
313. Disappearus little brotherus is not a REAL spell.  
314. I must not ask Voldemort why he looks like Michael Jackson.  
315. Starting a betting pool with the Slytherins on when Harry Potter will die is not appropriate.  
316. I will not ask Snape "when was the last time you took a bath?"  
317. I will not feed Mrs. Norris to Fluffy.  
318. I will not ask Sirius if he was neutered.  
_**319. I will not throw books at Moaning Myrtle for points.**_  
320. I will not eat doxy droppings for a bet.  
_**321. Making a Polyjuice Potion and walking up to the person I copied to make them act crazy/act like a human mirror is not funny.**_  
322. The fat lady is not possessed by the ghost of Lady Macbeth.  
_**323. I am not to conjure the words "DRINK ME" onto the vial of any potion in Snape's classroom.**_  
324. The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of insect repellent  
_**325. I will not enchant the telescopes on the Astronomy Tower to display non-existent constellations during O.W.L. exams.  
326. I will not use the spell used to enchant Bludgers on any food items at mealtimes.**_  
327. Mrs. Norris does not like playing with blast-ended skrewts.  
328. Professor Umbridge is not the Wicked Witch of the West, therefore she will not melt if water is poured on her, and I will not attempt to prove otherwise.  
_**329. I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan's nose.  
330. I will not test my Potions assignments by spiking Snape's drink with them.  
**_331. I will not tell non-Muggle students that the reason the metric system is all in tens is because muggles can't count higher than that.  
332. Modifying the old "pail of water over the door" trick to "pail of bubotuber pus over the door" is really frowned upon.  
333. When asked to demonstrate "Muggle technology" by other students, I will not use C-4 and Professor Snape's lab to do so.

334. I will not re-enact Harry Potter Puppet Pals in the Great Hall.  
_**335. I will not write all my DADA essays in red ink claiming it is blood.**_  
336. I am not allowed to wear death eater robes to dinner and shout 'Long live Lord Voldemort' because I think it's funny.  
337. I may not mock Professor Umbridge in front of the press.  
338. I am not possessed by the ghost of Lady Macbeth.  
349. Neville is not my valet.

_**350. No part of the school uniform is edible.**_

_**351. The proper way to report to Professor McGonagall is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."**_

_**352. Bubotubers are not filled with tasty honey, and it is wrong to tell First Years that they are.**_

_**353. I will not sell tickets to get into the Chamber of Secrets.**_

_**354. I will not arrange for us to jump out of a massive cake at our impromptu birthday party for Professor Snape.**_

_**355. I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by Professor Trelawney, tapping an hourglass and looking at her impatiently.**_

_**356. Regardless of how much Professor Snape's hair might annoy me, it is inappropriate to sneak into his room at night and shave it off.**_

_**357. Robes are appropriate school wear. Bathrobes are not.**_

_**358. The fact that there are only three unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much forgivable."**_

_**359. I will not ask the Room Of Requirement to turn into "Snape's Bathroom.".**_

360. I will not change all the house passwords to the titles of muggle science fiction films.

361. I will not give Voldemort a replica of the Lord of the Rings ring and insist that it will help him rule the world when I put a curse on it that turns him into a girl.

_**362. I will not, under any circumstances, bewitch Professor McGonagall's mouth to play classical music every time she tries to talk.**_

_**363. Just because they are not Unforgivable curses, the use of curse words is still punishable.**_

364. It Is Not Acceptable To Make Parodies Of A Professor's Name...

_**365. Coming up with a fake disease and telling first years they have it is not a good idea.  
**_366. You are not allowed to make your own video game featuring Snape, Umbridge, Percy, Voldemort, and other real people as bosses. You are also not allowed to make Harry Potter the main character.  
367. Bribing several girls to attack Snape and wash his hair is a terrible waste of money. It is even worse when you tell him that he now has 'girl-approved hair' in detention, thus referencing the muggle shampoo commercial.  
_**368. I am not to slip Polyjuice potion to as many people as possible to make them look like me 'purely for the humour.'**_  
369. I am not allowed to cause mass hysteria among the first years by freaking out when the ghosts show up.

370. I will not yell "Someone get Beowulf, Grendel's broken in!" when I see Umbridge.  
371. I will not tell Umbridge that it is not Halloween, though her Medusa interpretation is perfect.  
372. I will not have the First Years re-enact the battle of Culloden in History of Magic.  
_**373. I will not give Peeves itching powder.**_  
374. I will _**not**_ attempt to exorcise Professor Binns.  
375. I will not try to breed a thestral and a Grim.  
_**376. I will not use magic to cause students to become their costumes on Halloween. **_  
377. I will not accuse the Minister of being a Death Eater.  
378. I will not put Polyjuice Potion in Professor Trelawney's tea, especially with hair from Sirius Black's Animagus form.  
379. I will not enchant a stag to attack Professor Snape, claiming it is James Potter resurrected.

380. Installing muggle fans in Divination class because I claim the AC isn't working is not acceptable.  
381. I can not enter the Hufflepuff common room by attempting to shove keys in the entranceway.  
382. Claiming my printer was not working is not a valid excuse for a late DADA essay, and it really kinda pisses Moody off.  
_**383. Replacing McGonagall's pumpkin juice with diet coke, while amusing, makes her snort it out of her nose. Detentions aren't quite as amusing.**_  
384. She also does not like Root beer.  
385. I should not refer to Flitwick as Sergeant Pepper, even if after waking up from a spell-gone-wrong he does look rather rainbow-like.  
_**386. I will not mess up everyone's schedules.**__  
_387. I will not put Professor Flitwick on a Christmas tree and claim I thought he was a decoration because of his size.  
388. I am not allowed to turn the Gryffindors invisible and tell the first years: "THEY'RE COMING FOR YOU NEXT!"  
_**389. I am not the Headmaster, and am not allowed to sit in the Headmaster's seat.**_

390. I will not ask Voldemort where his nose went.  
_**391. I will not change the password to the Slytherin dorms to 'Long Live Harry Potter'.**_  
392. I will not demand that Trelawney be given a muggle drug test.  
393. I will never, under any circumstances, share this list with Peeves.  
394. I will not sneak Hagrid's latest "pets" into Umbridge's classroom.  
_**395. **__**I will not slip sleeping potions into my professor's drinks.**_

396. Just because Hogwarts learned the Time Warp and the Soulja Boy dance, it does not mean that I can "Teach Them How to Dougie."  
397. It is not funny in any way, shape, or form to suggest to one Dolores Umbridge that she should look for her true love's kiss to turn back into a prince.  
398. It is not appropriate to bring a paper fortune teller to Divination.  
399. I will never tell Professor Trelawney that she ought to use a brush once in a while.

400. I will not tell first years that their wardrobes are portals to Narnia.  
401. I will not use Crookshanks as bait for "Fluffy Fishing"  
_**402. **__**I will not make random "snake sounds" at Harry Potter in the hopes of accidentally saying something he can understand**_  
_**403. **__**Addressing Professor McGonagall as "kitten" is a very, VERY bad idea.**_  
404. Asking Madame Prince if she is a "naughty librarian" is simply inappropriate.  
405. I will not make "That's what she said" jokes during class, no matter how perfect the opportunity.  
406. I will not place shrinking charms on the skirts of the female students

407. Giving Professor Trelawney a muggle snow globe and claiming that it is a crystal ball is NOT funny...especially when she rambles on to the rest of the staff about the "Impending Attack of the Talking Snowmen Wearing Top Hats

_**408. I will not enchant hundreds of chocolate frogs in the school and call them Umbridge's children.**_

_**409. I will not sell muggle pens to students for a profit; no matter how much neater they are to write with.**_

_**410. I will not bribe the house elves the put love potion into all the cups except Harry Potter's to see how Harry would deal with it.**_

411. I will not charm the Great Hall doors to shout 'You will not pass!' every time someone tries to get in. Even if Professor Dumbledore thinks it's funny. We would like to eat, you know.

_**412. I am not allowed to enchant the ceiling in the great hall to rain vomit down. **_

413. The Gryffindor House motto is not, nor will it ever be 'Leeroy Jenkins'. Telling Muggleborn first years this to watch them embarrass themselves is wrong.  
414. Telling gullible students that Dumbledore is just a temporary Headmaster until Chuck Norris comes back is not funny.  
415. I am not allowed to teach the entire school the song 'Abracadabra' for the purpose of bursting into a routine during dinner.  
416. There is no such thing as 'The Hogwarts Naked Mile'.  
417. The Disillusionment Charm is not to be referred to as 'Going Predator', nor is it to be used to watch horny students going at it.  
418. Inferi are not zombies, and I am not to go looking for them for the purpose of reenacting movies or games such as Resident Evil and Left 4 Dead.  
419. You are not "FIRIN' YOUR LAZER" whenever you cast a spell.  
420. For the last time, Snape is NOT Batman!

421. I am not allowed to sing "Ding Fries are done" whenever I Apparate.

422. I will not sing the Ghostbusters theme in History of Magic  
423. Flesh eating slug repellent is not a plaything  
424. Claiming to be Lord Voldemort's lovechild is not on  
425. Bludgers are not toys  
426. First year quidditch lessons are not 'target practice'  
427. Saying 'loreal - cause you're worth it' while flicking my hair is not appropriate in Snape's classes  
428. I am not a living statue  
429. Professor Flitwick will not perform tricks for money  
430. Peeves is not a teacher and as such should not be able to get into the staff room  
_**431. I will not swap the pages from 'magic most horrible' with 'The Standard Book Of Spells, grade 1'**_  
432. Asking Snape about 'Voldy' is not on  
433. It is not funny to shout 'shark' while Professor Quirrel is around  
434. It is not funny to shout 'Voldemort!' while Harry Potter is around  
435. It is not clever to tell Professor Quirrell to keep his hair on

436. Professor Dumbledore is not a weirdy beardy  
437. Asking Umbridge when it's due is inadvisable  
438. First years and house elves are not legal tender  
439. Faking a bomb scare on Platform 9 3/4 is never funny  
440. It is not big or clever to transfigure oneself into Sirius Black on the day of the Minister's visit  
441. Wearing a tee shirt saying 'bigger than Black' is not funny  
442. Wearing a tee shirt saying 'Pettigrew is a prick', while being in essence true, and amusing, is not within the uniform regulations  
443. Starting a flash mob on the quidditch pitch is not a good idea  
_**444. I shall not put up wanted posters with Harry's face on them**_  
445. I shall not tell first years that Quirrell is on day release  
446. The potions dungeon is not a hair salon  
447. I will not swap Professor Macgonagall's depilatory cream for Professor Lockhart's hair growth cream  
448. I will not tell first years that pumpkin juice is the Draught of Living Death  
449. House elves are not the instruments of Satan and will not call their master if spun around six hundred and sixty six times  
_**450. 'Hail Satan 666' is not an appropriate comment to write on Educational Decrees  
451. Adding peroxide to Snape's shampoo is not big or clever  
452. It is not my job to redistribute confiscated items**_  
453. I will not practice Communism at Hogwarts; as such it is unacceptable to reallocate Professor Snape's office as lodgings for the proletariat  
454. The kazoo is not an appropriate instrument to play in the school hymn  
455. I will not attempt to join the headless hunt  
456. I am not Lord Voldemort  
457. I will not ask Lord Voldemort if Darth Vader is his father  
_**458. I will not sign Malfoy up for voluntary service with muggles**_  
_**459. Melons are not to be used for bludger practice in the Great Hall or anywhere else for that matter**_  
460. Umbridge's office is not an outpost of Battersea Dogs' Home  
461. Making Hermione's hair into an afro is extremely inadvisable; as is then asking her to sing Bob Marley  
462. I am not the heir of Slytherin  
463. It is unacceptable to teach First Years to sing the 'like a boss' song whenever they are asked a question  
464. 'Lady Gaga day' has never been and will never be in the school calendar  
465. I will not psychoanalyse Voldemort or Snape  
466. I will not tell Voldemort to take a chill pill if I value my life  
_**467. Shouting 'constant vigilance' at first years as a warning before hexing them is not acceptable**_

468. I will not attempt to market my Potions' work as lubricant  
469. I will not attempt to make Viagra in potions  
470. I will not ask Harry what happened to Edward  
471. I will not ask Harry why he doesn't glitter  
472. Starting my own religious sect dedicated to Dumbledore's beard is not acceptable, mainly as the beard is not a sentient creature, whatever the headmaster may say  
473. Telling Nearly Headless Nick that he needs his head screwing on tighter is insensitive and immature  
_**474. I will not claim that all reality does not exist, including my homework, because quantum physics is not a legitimate excuse.**_

475. When McGonagall is in her Animagus form, no matter how tempting it is, I will not put a charm on her to lock her in her Animagus form.

476. I am not allowed to parade around as a centaur.

477. I will not try to make the Wild Ford Anglia mate with magical cars to populate the Forbidden Forest with their progeny.

478. I cannot claim that I do not need to take my Astronomy test by saying I've got a friend in NASA who told me about Mars.  
479. I am not allowed to uproot the Whomping Willow and attempt to pass it off as the Hogwarts Christmas tree.

_**480. I will not refer to Hagrid as the BFG, even if I think he secretly likes it.**_

_**481. Dressing up as the Grinch and stealing the Hogwarts Christmas trees and the Slytherin's presents is not, in any sense, amusing.**_

_**482. I will not attempt to convince Professor Snape and Harry Potter they are father and son in ANY WAY.**_

483. I am strictly forbidden to attempt to fake Schizophrenia.

484. I will not attempt to blame my latest pranks on being possessed by the Heir of Slytherin.

485. Following Professor Snape around wearing wigs and false noses to look like him is NOT a good idea.  
486. I am not allowed to make bombs out of Diet Coke and Mentos, nor am I allowed to teach Peeves how to.

487. I will not tell first years Snape is a really nice guy who's just having family troubles, nor will I suggest they try to cheer him up.

488. I will not insist that Professors McGonagall and Dumbledore are dating.

_**489. It is frowned upon to send howlers to students, pretending to be their parents.**_

_**490. I will not claim to have lost my memory and re-break several pre-broken rules.**_

491. I am not allowed to declare every day 'Gryffindor Spirit Day' and charm everyone's clothes to Gryffindor colours.

_**492. I am not allowed to create a Harry Potter cheering squad.**_

493. I am not allowed to change my name to Albus Dumbledore.


End file.
